Heart palpitations and Hospitalization

I just got out of the hospital, I stayed three days and two nights. I make it sound like a vacation resort, and it was a nightmare. Don't get me wrong the staff were really wonderful especially the nurses. I just found it a little disarming to change places. I was no longer the nice nurse; I was the disgruntle patient. I took my role very serious. They say medical people make the worst patients...they told the truth.

Lately I have been having heart palpitations, the day I went into the emergency room it had gotten so bad that it scared me worse then the other times. My sister Jill and I where in the car, I felt the increase in my heart rate and the blood rush to my head and my heart felt as if it would beat out of my chest. It had been going on for over a month and I had not mentioned it to anyone; I decided to break my silence that day so I said "Jill something is wrong with me", she said "What?", I said "I don't know my chest hurt". I was so matter of fact she didn't see any cause for alarm. I want to go to emergency.

We enter the emergency room, I'm glad to see that it is empty except for one other person, he's reading a newspaper and for some reason he looks to me as if he's waiting for someone already in the back instead of waiting to go back..Maybe it's the calm resignation on his face. I fill out a form for the triage nurse. I know from my many years of triage that I will go straight to the back. The triage nurse takes one look at my chief complaint and calls me to the back. I look back to see if the man reading the newspaper is irritated; so I could give him my best sorry they called me first look. I'm not sorry it's just another heart sickness that I have chose to ignore. The nurse checks my vitals and runs to get a wheelchair. He said he doesn't want me walking as he pulls up with an oversize wheelchair like the ones my three hundred plus pounds patients use. I think of a smart remark to make about the size of the wheelchair, I don't say it..criticism disguised as humor). My heart is racing. I try to get Jill's attention her head is down and she's reading. I'm disappointed that she missed my dramatic exit.(I have no words for that)

The nurse rushes me to the back calling out "Chest pains and tachycardia". The next minute I was in a room surrounded by nurses and medical staff shooting questions, removing clothing, sticking with needles and applying electrodes. All this took place in less then seven minutes. When they where satisfied that I was completely discombobulated they left the room assuring me that the doctor would come to see me shortly. I pick up one of the three magazines I grabbed from the waiting room. As I scanned the front cover for an article of interest the doctor walks in. I think to myself (these people are fast) as I wonder if I was the first patient they had all day. He asked the same questions that two or three other staff members had asked previously. Another rude remark crosses my mind as I look into the softness of his sea blue eyes and melt into the warmth of his smile. I answer his questions with a smile of my own, his smile is contagious. He leaves the room content with my answers. Sure that I was not a code blue.

Dr. Colgate Smile returns twenty minutes later and ask if I drink water, I say "Of course I drink water", he says "Well you are dehydrated", "Well obviously not ENOUGH water", I say and he laughs and promises to let me leave as soon as I finish the IV drip. I promise to drink more water. I look at the IV as he leaves the room, and think to myself I'll be leaving shortly. This was not to be so.

He walks into the room and there is something about his presence that says authority, he is short and balding and wearing a scowl instead of a smile; I want Dr. Colgate Smile back. he introduces himself to me and all I hear is "The head of", he pulled rank, and told me that they are going to keep me overnight for observation and a stress test in the morning. Dr. Colgate Smile walks in with a sheepish look on his face and asked me was I disappointed with him. I felt bad for him and took an instant dislike for the mean, Head Dr. Scowly Face (was that a judgment). My heart races.

Jill brings me the bag I had packed and left in the trunk for "Just in case they keep me", it was full of pajamas, books and toiletries and it was heavy. The orderly weighed my bag and it weighed twenty pounds, that was a standing joke between staff for the whole of my stay. I settled in the room with quiet resignation until the nurse told me that I would have to wear the hospital gown to bed so that I wouldn't disturb the electrodes and IV. I refuse, I protest, I plead. Then the phone rings it's my mother. I whine and complain I don't want to wear a hospital gown. She agrees with me that hospital gowns shouldn't be an issue. We hang up and my sister Mair calls, I whine and complain she agrees with me also, we hang up. My sister Gina calls I'm still whining she tells the nurse that Divas don't wear hospital gowns or anything else that would leave our asses out. Finally the nurse laughs and gives in (was that murmuring and complaining along with a strong dose of pride and vanity) I put on blue and pink pj's yet I have the strangest feeling that my ass is out, I definitely just showed it!). My heart races. Father what's wrong with my heart.

Day one has ended.

It gets worse!...or should I say I get worse?

Carried

He sweeps me in his arm with very little effort on his part, he's strong and I am weak. I can not walk it's to painful. My body is wrecked with fever my feet are swollen and blistered. I need medical attention he needs to comfort and reassure his baby that daddy is here. I try to make out what's going on, I know my daddy is with me. I put my arms around his neck and gently relax my head on his chest, I smell the scent of old spice and cigarettes. He carries me to the car and places me on the back seat. I hear the sound of my mother's voice in the background "Give her her pillow", one of my many siblings handed me my animal pillow. It's a lion my mother handmade from a pattern she purchased from McCall's, I slept with it every night. My sister Jill said "She's hot enough to fry an egg on", my brother Jimmy told her to shut up, that I was sick and it's not funny. I mentally thanked him. The car broke down on our way to the hospital and he carries me the rest of the way. The memory is dark, but clear. Like an old yellow stained cobweb overrun bottle, clear but the luster is gone.

Father why did you bring this back to me now? I was six years old when that happened.

I wanted you to remember how much you trusted your earthly father to carry you when you were to weak to walk.

Why? I know you, you have something to tell me, to teach me what is it?

I love you more.

I know.

I can carry you. Can you trust me to carry you?

Yes, please carry me; I'm so weak right now.

I am.

The Still Quiet

As I listen to the hum of the air conditioner and the still quiet of the house; I hear the echo of her voice. She is gone. I feel her presence and smell the scent of baby powder. There is no jumping, running, laughter or playing just this still quiet. It's relaxing and unnerving. My baby is gone home and grandma is alone again. There are no toys to step on, nose to wipe, no skinny arms encircling my neck, no big jumps with out stretched arms to express how big their love is for me. There is just this still quiet; I love it and I hate it. I will sleep alone tonight for the first time in five days, I will not feel the warmth or her body nor hear the sound of her gentle snore or feel the wool fur of Johnnie the bear( who by the way wears spiderman pants and his name is spelled with a "A"). My baby is gone, and I miss her. We had fun and it is over for now. We have been apart for a year out of her four. I missed her first day in headstart, her first dance recital and her fourth birthday party. Thanks to new technology I have it all on CD and DVD, but it not the same as being there.

I wanted to do as much as possible on our visit together, so we went to Universal to the Dr Seuss theme park. I was so excited; we rode the Red fish Blue fish (a favorite book of mine as a child, I had my parents read it to me so many times that I could recite the book page by page, their friends and my sister Gina thought I could read. I also took a picture with Thing1 and Thing2 from the Cat in the Hat. Nia was afraid to take a picture with them, because she said they where standing to close to the Grinch. (I was the only one standing near them!!) Then we went to the beach, and played in the water and made a sandcastle that I was not making "look pretty", because I forgot her sand pail, and everyone knows that a sandcastle made with grandma blood, sweat and tears could never measure up to one made with a shovel and pail. So we had to return the next day with shovel, sand pail (and the Grinch) in tow. I told her to call me grandmommie dearest, she didn't. We made a beautiful sandcastle and I started singing Stevie Wonder's "Castle of Love" and she joined in after listening to the words for a while. I cherished every minute of our time together, and I silently and some times not so silently praised God for every moment.

Every morning we had "praise and worship" together and she said she liked "praise and worship" with me, even though she told Aunt Jill she didn't. She liked to make Aunt Jill tickle her. And every night we watched "Chicken Little" on DVD(over and over) and she know every word, song and dance, and before our time together was over I knew them too. We had a great time and now she's gone home. All that's left is the still quiet. I am happy and I am sad.

DIVINE SECRETS OF CW SISTERHOOD

The sky in the east is turning a tangerine and blue and the stars are disappearing to make room for the sun. We walked in silence each in her own private thoughts. Or maybe our thoughts are still asleep, lost in the twilight of yesterday. The sun will rise in a half an hour, and we are on our way to the ocean to welcome in the morning with prayer. Jody and Anne are in the lead, how appropriate I think to myself that the leaders of the congregation would lead us even in this, Robbin is to the right of me and Dolores is close enough in back of us; for us to speak to her without raising our voices. Joanne and Connie are a distant behind. I walk with an awkward swagger to our destination, feeling more like a slug then a captivating women. We laughed and talked to late into the night, and with the combination of this early morning rise my determination has turned to a voiceless resignation.

We reach our destination within minutes, a washed out oak platform with seats built in the center on both sides and steps leading to the ocean. We sit and admire the scenery before us. The ocean and sky gave way to the breath of the early morning and has come alive with a whitewash of colors. Jody said the sky "looks like a seashell", and it did. The sun appeared to slightly peek tangerine rays between the thick blue of the early morning sky and the creamy off white clouds. The ocean caught the beauty of each color and mixed it with the aqua blue crystal of it's own. It was beautiful.

Robbin holds the book with her left hand and the flashlight with her right, as she explains the commander of the morning prayer, how we as the sons(or daughters) of God have the authorithy to come into agreement with the heavens and impregnate the morning with spermatic word prayers; that will give birth to the will of God when the sun breaks forth. We all nod an understanding as she begin to recite the prayer from Kim Daniels book "Give It Back". Robbin hands the book to Jody after she read half the prayer. Jody is seated across from Robbin and I, and I am amazed at the way the flashlight illuminate the softness of her features. She finishes the prayer and we sit in silent meditation, believing that the morning has opened it's ears to our soft spoken authoritative decree, we are the daughters of God and we are loved.