For wisdom is better than rubies; And all the things that may be desired are not to be compared unto it.
Each year that passes teaches me a a little more about God, life, love and my own human weakness and frailties. I look in the mirror and what I see is a middle-age woman staring back at me. I see more frown lines and wrinkles, more gray hair. I mourn the demise of my youth. With age comes wisdom probably to compensate for the eradication of youth's beauty. I have more years behind me then in front of me. I cry less and laugh more. I wear reading glasses yet I see people clearer. I listen more and hear between the lines. I think in parables and riddles. I realize outward beauty is fleeing, inward beauty is eternal.
This is what I learned: God controls all the days of your life. Everyone wants to be loved but most don't know how to be. People that need love the most are the most difficult to love. If someone wants to control you they can't control themselves. Belly fat is hard to get rid of. Make-up enhances but doesn't change. Obsession poses as love. I can be alone and not lonely. God does perform miracles. Everything you do for God is eternal. Self-deception has an unlimited capacity. You can't be everybody's friend nor anyone's enemy. I received 365 mornings of new tender mercies.
Hos 13:14 I will ransom them from the power of the grave; I will redeem them from death: O death, I will be thy plagues; O grave, I will be thy destruction: repentance shall be hid from mine eyes.
Five months ago I died. Not the Christian theology of dying to the flesh; I really died so, the doctors and nurses seem to think. I felt like I went to sleep. It was two o'clock in the morning of of July 15, 2010. I have been in the hospital since two o'clock in the morning of the 14th of July. Almost exactly twenty-four hours. I had drove myself to the hospital that morning after intense chest pains and difficulty breathing. When I got to the hospital they did an EKG and said I had just had an heart attack. All I could think about is how much heart attacks hurt and I was afraid. I was immediately rushed to surgery to have a heart catheterization. After it was over the doctor told me I didn't have a heart attack, that my heart was fine. I was glad to hear that. They wasn't sure what happened but assured me it wasn't my heart.
The next day I was under observation which consisted mainly of being hooked up to a holitor monitor, blood test giving every few hours, and EKG's taken. I was told I could go home that following morning. I spent the day like a human pin cushion and as kind as the staff of nurses had been, I was ready to go home. That was not to be! At almost the exact time early morning found me grasping for breath and trying to deal with the excruciating pain. I called the nurse on duty; Kristian a kind but somewhat clueless overweight middle-aged blond and told her I was in distress would she please give me nitroglycerin. She called another nurse to see if she could give me the nitro all the while I'm trying to survive until they figured out what to do. The other nurse; a chubby slightly older brunette came in and told her she has to first do an EKG. I know I was in a critical state but they didn't seem to think like me. Probably because it wasn't them in the pain. The chubby brunette with Kristian standing beside her asked me how I rate the pain between 1 and 10 with ten being the highest. I tried to hid the annoyance I felt at that moment. I said a "ten!" They finally went to get the EKG machine and a young black woman that gave me a sponge bath earlier stood looking helplessly at me as if she wanted to help but didn't know what to do.
I wanted to wait patiently for the nurses and the EKG but my body was having trouble hanging on and I could feel it. I felt darkness settling over me and the pain was unbearable. I did the only think I could think to do. I prayed. Not the prayers that my many prayer book teaches, not the prayers that avail much, or the ones that bring healing. The simple prayer of a soul in trouble. My prayer was simple and I repeated it until the darkness consumed me. I said, "Help me Jesus."
In the darkness my eyes refused to open. I heard only two things one, was the voice of the chubby brunette telling me to take the nitroglycerin under my tongue the other was scripture in Isaiah. I don't know if it came from the television. This is what I heard.
Isa 35:1 The wilderness and the solitary place shall be glad for them; and the desert shall rejoice, and blossom as the rose. Isa 35:2 It shall blossom abundantly, and rejoice even with joy and singing: the glory of Lebanon shall be given unto it, the excellency of Carmel and Sharon, they shall see the glory of the LORD, and the excellency of our God. Isa 35:3 Strengthen ye the weak hands, and confirm the feeble knees. Isa 35:4 Say to them that are of a fearful heart, Be strong, fear not: behold, your God will come with vengeance, even God with a recompence; he will come and save you. Isa 35:5 Then the eyes of the blind shall be opened, and the ears of the deaf shall be unstopped. Isa 35:6 Then shall the lame man leap as an hart, and the tongue of the dumb sing: for in the wilderness shall waters break out, and streams in the desert.
I felt a push in by back, my eyes opened and I sit straight up in the bed as if pushed from a deep sleep. The first thing I noticed was my bed was surrounded by hospital personnel with lights, machines, and a huge needle filled with what only God a and few smart men know what. And there in that same dark corner stood the young black woman who had refused to leave my side.
I was the first person to say anything, I apologized for falling asleep in the midst of the trauma. Everyone seemed to be to shocked to speak. Finally Kristian said, "She came back on her own," her blue eyes in buck-eyed amazement. Then the lady with the big long needle said, "You scared us, I was just about to try to resuscitate you. That's when I noticed that one of the machines was a defibrillator with big electric paddles and all. All I could say was "Thank you but I feel fine now." Slowly they left the room each one letting me know how scared they were. Only Kristian and the young black woman stayed. She told me I was her very first code blue. Once again I apologized and explained I only felt myself go to sleep. There was no light to follow or tunnel to enter. There was the word of God speaking softly to me as I walked through the valley of the shadow of death.
Like Job I know my redeemer lives. I was thinking of that night today as I listen to Nicole Mullen sing my Redeemer Lives with tears streaming unashamed down my cheeks. I pray for all the hospital staff but mainly I pray for that young woman though feeling helpless refused to leave my side. She came the next day to see about me but I had company so I didn't really have an opportunity to thank her for her kind compassionate eyes that let me know I didn't have to suffer alone. God bless her.
Luke 14:28 For which of you, desiring to build a tower, doth not first sit down and count the cost, whether he have wherewith to complete it? ASV
Jesus compared picking up our cross and following him with building a tower. I started my journey simply wanting him to break the chains of bondage that clung so desperately to me. Our relationship was built on what he could do for me. What he did for me. I marveled at his free gift; held it in my heart until it became part of me. His love healed me, his words comforted me, his spirit delivered me and his life saved me. He paid the ultimate price. He counted up the cost.
I couldn't help but notice he said sit down and count the cost. Usually when someone tells you to sit down it's because the information they are about to convey will probably devastate you or cause an usual reaction like shock or intense surprise. A couple of weeks ago he told me to sit down and count up the cost. He told me that I would be misunderstood, laughed to scorn, persecuted, lied on, talked about and that the world would not love or receive me. He really didn't paint me a pretty picture. So much for my delusions of grandeur. Needless to say, I took a seat and started counting.
Towers are hard to build because they're tall and strong and you would need a lot of help.First I had to calculate the material I would need. I decided I would build my tower of glass. Mainly because the apostle Paul said we see through a glass darkly. I would have to begin my foundation with rock, that was easy since Jesus is my rock and foundation. Next I would use the strong steel beams of love as the structure again, I have plenty of help in that department. He is love. I'll have walls erected of the bricks of rejection, persecution, self-denial and endurance. The window frames would be made of fiberglass of prayer,fasting, understanding,forgiveness and wisdom. My windows would be the durable reflective glass of the word of my testimony. The inside walls will be drywall of obedience, purity and holiness.
Recently the Lord spoke to me about "His people." He said tell my people I'm coming back soon. He said that we have walked away from the simplicity of the gospel and become lukewarm like the church of Laodicea, that they think they're rich but they're wretched, miserable, poor, blind and naked. I said Lord I can't tell them that, we don't say things like that. It's not politically correct they'll say I'm judging and don't have love. He asked me which is worse saying all is well or telling the truth. Which shows the most love. Then he said count up the cost. I counted up the cost. I chose to love at all cost. I prayed and cried for two weeks. I'm willing to die for my brothers and sisters even if they're the ones throwing the stones.
