Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Does Anybody Hear Her?





Today I feel discombobulated; a tangled mass of raw emotions. For the last couple of days I have questioned my judgment, I ran to feeling that I ran from more than half my life ago. Life is strange and full of twist, turns,and heartaches that spring up without my permission. Past pains and regrets slowly creep in the corridors of my heart, they walk out of their hiding place and reintroduce themselves to me. And I remember what I tried to forget.

I remember that young woman.

He loved her and thought she was beautiful.

She hid her face from him. Her face housed her eyes and her eyes held all of her secrets. Her secrets were all she had left of that carefree girl she used to be. They were her's and her's alone. How could she tell him she was tainted? That someone had spoiled her. That the man before him that should have loved her beat her black and blue. That her own father abandoned her and didn't protect her. Would he understand that when she looked in the mirror she didn't see a beautiful young woman. How could she articulate that she was unattractive and unlovable?

He loved her and wanted to marry her.

She kept her mask in place. She didn't want him to know she was ugly and ruined. She said "Yes, she would marry him." She loves him and wants him to protect her; to keep the bad things out. The problem is the bad things are inside her. How can he evict an unwanted guess he can't see? How can he destroy the monsters under her bed when the monsters reside in her head?

He loved her and looked everywhere for her.

She ran away from his love, it was blind and unconditional, it was strange and uncomfortable to her. Her fear refused to let her give into it, for fear of losing it. So, she ran with tears in her eyes and her mask still safely intact. How could she tell him she's unattractive and unlovable. Couldn't he see? Didn't he know the mirror she looks into is cracked and broken? She's a cistern that can not hold water? How can she tell him he's better off without her? She let him go to free him from her torment.

She ran and ran it was easier to run then to face her demons.

She loved him...

She let him go...

She's crying even as she types this.

Fearless

The Strange Television Men

My niece Abby comes home from work and I had laid down to take a nap. She asked me if I knew that some guys were parked in the driveway. I told her no, I had no knowledge. Abby asked me because we have had a reoccurring problem with strangers from the barber shop and bar next door parking in our driveway. Mostly, because we don't have a car(I sold mine before leaving Daytona)and my sister has given permission to a few of them. I started charging them five dollars, mainly to discourage them from wanting to park.

Abby comes back into the house very upset and yells, "Auntie they're selling stuff in our yard." I jump out of the bed with my hair standing on my head and sleep imprints on the side of my face. As I reach the porch and I see several guys with the monitors of flat screens televisions on our lawn. At this point to say that I'm shocked is more than an understatement. My niece Abby stands behind me with hands on hips and indignant look on her face, waiting on me to put a stop to this unauthorized yard sale.

I do what any self-respecting authority figure would do, I cleared my throat and said the the men, "AHEM, excuse me(always mind your manners). One guy turned around and asked the unthinkable, he asked me if he could HELP ME! Then he asked if I would like to buy something, I went from beyond shocked to extremely perturbed in a matter of seconds. I gritted my teeth and said as calmly as possible, No, I do not want to "BUY," anything I want you out of my yard, than I added in a mincing voice, I have asked you nicely(barely concealed threat that means you have been warned).

They apologize and start packing up their, no doubt in my mind stolen merchandise. One of the guys standing on my grass walks toward me and introduce himself to me. He told me he works next door at the barber shop and informs me that, "She lets us park in the driveway."(she referring to my sister Claudia) I inform him that "She" is not here and "I" Don't want them in our driveway and "I'm" sure "She" did not give permission for the television men to set-up shop in "Her" yard. Then he adds they're selling televisions,( I guess I was suppose to say, "oh why didn't you say that, carry on.") I asked one question, "IN OUR YARD?"

Okay, maybe I'm old fashion or unfamiliar with the ways of Lexington, but where in the world is it alright to park in someones driveway, set-up a stolen television shop in their yard and attempt to sell them the product? I need help processing this! I think the problem is they have watched and know my sister is a single mom since her and her husband split last year. I guess I didn't look like much of a threat neither.

After they left I started thinking, it times like theses that we need a man to guard and protect us. Then Yeshua(Jesus) reminded me that he is our protection. That we are hidden in the shelter of the Almighty. We are safe, even from television salesmen in our yard.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Life in Lexy

I'm an official occupant of Lexington Kentucky. I say occupant because I haven't received my Kentucky drivers license yet. I arrived on a rainy June morning three weeks ago. The first thing I did was take a long walk, mostly to familiarize myself with the neighborhood. I live near downtown Lexy,the neighborhood is filled with historical homes, art galleries and small private shops. It's a place where artist dwell in old Victorian Mansions hidden behind antique, lace and a kaleidoscope of colors. It feels like home.

Since I've been here I have had the privilege to reacquaint myself with my nieces and nephews. What a joy they all are; each with their unique personalities and tender-hearts.

Today I was sitting on the porch and I noticed a wounded bird in the middle of the road with cars passing by barely missing hitting it. On the other side of the street was a cat waiting for the traffic to clear to pounce on his injured prey. I watched for a few minutes, I didn't know what to do. I stuck my head in the door and told my nieces about the bird. My niece Nia,is a shy, withdrawn, extremely intelligent fourteen year old. Nia has a way of walking up on you to talk to you. It's not her nature to shout across the room to get your attention.

She walked outside to where I stood and said in her little Nia way, "Go get it". I said, "What?" She repeated it. Then she said "I mean it!" Then I gave her my best bucked-eyed scared look and thought to myself, what if I get hit by a car while bending over the bird and the cat attacks me and scratch up my face all the while the two big birds hoovering near start pecking at my eyes, wouldn't she feel bad! Finally she said "I'll go with you." I reluctantly agreed, but I told her I need to put my shoes on and get something to pick it up with. I went and got a pair of sneakers and she handed me some paper towel and a small waste basket. Don't get me wrong I'm all for animal rescue but, I wasn't feeling picking it up with my hand, especially since I saw it start pecking at the cat when it got near.

I grabbed the dust pan.

We get close to the bird and it's so still we wonder if we're to late. Nia being braver than I bent down and touched it. The poor little frightened bird began to fray wildly. One side of his body was bloody and limp. Nia grab the paper towel and gently placed him on the dust pan. I placed him in the makeshift nest Nia made out of the waste basket lined with paper towel. We took him in the house and accessed the damage. There is a small wound where his tail feathers should have been and his leg is broken. I get my emergency medical kit and we clean the wound with peroxide and apply antibiotic ointment. He screeched in pain when we attempted to bandage his leg.

As I watch him peck at our hands when we're cleaning his wound I'm reminded of a time several years ago when the Lord had me start a women's ministry. There was a woman that use to give me such a hard time. No matter how hard I tried to help her she fought against me. Finally I went to the Lord in prayer (mostly complaining) and told him I can't take her anymore. She was difficult and gossipy and she didn't like me. He told me, "A wounded bird will peck you."

That's one of the greatest lesson I have had to learn when it comes to wounded women. Like that bird we have survived against all odds. The bird survived the traffic, a vicious attack on his life, a family that loved him but didn't know how to save him. My wounded sisters and I have survived much worse.

Fearless