Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Stranger Next Door

I remember how I met him, the stranger next door. He was homeless living in the empty apartment next door. I had just moved into the building a month before him. I couldn't complain, I moved in while the building was being renovated. Mainly because I had escaped from an abusive relationship. The manager let me live there rent free until I finished school. He was the homeless nephew of the manager. I still had a month to go before graduation, and I still had to do an externship. Looking back I'm surprised at my bravery. He had left the door to his apartment open. I walked in as he lay sleeping on the bare floor. "What are you doing here, are you homeless?" I asked. "No, my uncle let me crash here until I get myself together" he replied. I asked him why he wasn't "together." he said it was a long story. I offered him breakfast.

A five year friendship started that day.

Gilbert Brown turned out to be my bestfriend. I still miss him. We had so many good, and bad times together. He saw me through many trying times. We included each other in everything. My graduation, new job, his new job, my wedding planning. He was an honor student and belonged to the Debois Honor Society, and my mentor. He's gifted and brilliant.  He taught me how to public speak; something that always frightened me. He would spend hours coaching me, until we were both annoyed at each other. Now when I do any public speaking people tell me I'm a natural, but really I had a great teacher. He loved art, literature and poetry, and taught me how to appreciate it. We used to call ourselves Pinky and the Brain. He once took me to a five hundred dollar dinner for president Clinton. No matter what he got involved in, he wanted me with him. We shared our deepest secrets, and craziest dreams. We loved each other with all purity.

Gilbert got his perfect job and girlfriend. He started writing grants, proposals, and new ordinance for the City of Detroit. His girlfriend was a new City Council Member. He asked me to dinner to tell me. I was so happy for him. His girlfriend is beautiful and sweet; we got along great. The City Of Detroit set him up in a new high rise apartment overlooking the river and Canada. They even furnished it for him. He was living his dream. Until it turned into his nightmare.

At the time I was the church secretary. The Sunday service had just begun. I heard him before I saw him. He was crying, not the soft gentle tears kind. His sobs were loud and deep, coming from his very soul. He cried out my name with a deep groan. Everyone in the church look to were the sound came from, and then to me. I was slightly embarrassed at first, wondering if he was drunk. When I saw his face I knew it wasn't an act or drunken escapade. I could see the agony in his face. He ran to me with his arms extended. I tried to comfort him, and get him to tell me what was troubling him so. At first all I could get is my name. I took him out of the sanctuary into my office. Finally he told me he had been standing at the riverfront all night contemplating  suicide. He said when he thought of me and how I would take it, he just started walking until he made it to church. We did finally go back to the sanctuary. He put his head in my lap and cried the whole time. I just comforted him with a touch. My friend was hurting and I didn't care what anyone had to say.

At his dream job, he said there's a lot of corruption. Others were taking advantage of his gifts, and credit for his work. Everything in his life that he thought was good wasn't.  He felt defeated as if life would always be unfair. We cried together. I begged him not to hurt himself. He said he didn't want to leave this world without Jesus, and when he did leave he wanted us to be together again one day rejoicing with Jesus. He promised me he would shake off the pain, and stand and make changes where he worked.

Five months later I moved to Cincinnati against his protest. He begged me not to leave. He said if that he doesn't have much time in life, and he wanted me close in case anything happened to him. I knew Gilbert could be a bit dramatic. I told him I'm only a phone call away and I would be back and forth, stop being such a baby. We talked regularly. He seemed stronger and his relationship seemed back on track. Two months later he was dead. I would give anything to have that two months back.

His girlfriend called me the night before the funeral. I was happy to hear from her, I hadn't heard from her or Gilbert in a couple of weeks. I gushed on about missing her and Gilbert, Then I asked where he was. She said, "I called to let you know he died a few days ago and his funeral is tomorrow." I was caught off guard and I didn't have words of comfort for her. I had no words at all! She told me that she put me and my sister name on his obituary as his family, because she didn't know his family and we were all the family he ever talked about. She offered to send me an obituary. I hung up without saying much. I just needed to cry. I went into the closet. I don't why closets has always been the place I would hide my tears.. I cried, and like Gilbert I cried his name loud and from my soul. I didn't have enough notice to go to the funeral. I went to work that following day. Several times I had to excuse myself as a cascade of tears rolled unashamed down my face.

It's been twenty years since Gilbert died. I never found out how he died. I was told his stomach was bothering him one day, he went to the hospital and the next day he was dead. I tried to get in touch with his girlfriend several times after the funeral, mainly to try to offer the comfort that I refused her that night she called. My phone calls were never returned. After a year I stopped trying. I haven't heard from her til this day. His death will always be a mystery to me. One thing I do look forward to, that's us rejoicing with Jesus. Like King David said, when his first son by Bathsheba died. "But now he is dead; why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me." I wait with expectation to see Gilbert again, just like we talked about. I don't know why God gave me Gilbert for only a season, but I'm glad he did. I do know that we have to find love where we can, and every stranger is a potential friend.

Fearless/Pinky

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Salt and Light




Mat 5:13  You are the salt of the earth, but if the salt loses its savor, with what shall it be salted? It is no longer good for anything, but to be thrown out and to be trodden underfoot by men.
Mat 5:14  You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden.
Mat 5:15  Nor do men light a lamp and put it under the grain-measure, but on a lampstand. And it gives light to all who are in the house.
Mat 5:16  Let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify your Father who is in Heaven.
Late night as I lay half awake thinking of givers and takers. The Lord spoke to me these two words, Salt and Light. I'm not shocked by His words. Yesterday as I was writing about the givers and the takers I had no closure. The lesson seemed to haunt me. Mainly, because I didn't have a clue how to deal with the whole issue. It was like having homework and never quite understanding the lesson. Do I continue to give? Do I rebuke the takers? Do I stop giving? What do you expect of me Abba? I had many unanswered question.

Two little words. I have to be salt and light. No matter what anyone else does, I have to forgive seven times seventy times a day. I can't let my light hide or my salt lose it's savor. Takers have to see my light regardless of the circumstances. Takers need light to see their way out of the darkness. Abba told me people are watching me and that I'm a light to many. That was a scary thought. I can never understand why He trust me so much. I realized that even though people hurt you when they're being selfish, insensitive, and greedy they're still worthy of unconditional love. Was I putting conditions or expectation on them?

How can they ever change if they can't see in the dark? They will remain blind without light. The same with salt. Jesus said we are the salt of the earth. Salt does much more then savor meat, it was used as a preservative in ancient Greek and considered divine. We may read that scripture and think about our little salt shakers in the kitchen, but it goes deeper then that. We are called to preserve the earth and light the world. I have a responsibility in this life to the givers and the takers. Mostly I have a responsibility to Abba.

What would salt and light do in any situation? Shine and savor, radiate and preserve. It all hangs on love...Everything. Lets Glorify our Father!

Fearless

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Givers and Takers









Luke 6:38  Give, and it will be given to you. A large quantity, pressed together, shaken down, and running over will be put into your lap, because you will be evaluated by the same standard with which you evaluate others."

Lesson number two: Another thing that the Lord has been showing me lately is that there are two kind of people, the givers, and the takers. I must admit it's a painful lesson. It's painful to watch others, and myself be reduced to what some can get from us. This lesson has come from some unexpected sources. It's always people we would go through heaven and hell to help that are takers. I whine when I see the way they use manipulation and selfishness as their tool of destruction. It's pretty sad to watch. What's even sadder is the fact that they think they're good people, just needy.

I want to understand them, maybe find some excuse for their behavior. I tried, honesty I did. I thought it came from feeling of never having enough. However, the more I watch their behavior, I see it comes from a different place. A place that's dark and fearful. It wouldn't look so bad if they didn't do it with the intent of manipulating a givers emotions. It's like they're playing a game with every pitiful tale, a game to control; to chain the soul of the giver. They think they have the upper hand if you give to them. They have no idea you see right through their game. Givers are not the losers. We're just givers, and givers give despite takers. When you don't give they take and tell themselves they deserve it. They make the giver the villain, the heartless one for refusing to be victimized and manipulated.

Taker is an ugly spirit that has no real love for anyone, It's selfish and cruel and reduces the giver to a office of nobody when they refuse or just don't have to give. Your worth is in how much you can give. Takers live in a place of selfishness, jealousy, depression, envy and greed. They take the joy out of giving and render the giver despondent. Don't get me wrong there are people with real need, and we should always give with a cheerful heart. I once read character is being able to give to those who can't give back. When I say give- it's not always monetary gifts. It can be the giving of your time and resources. Jesus said it's more blessed to give then receive. Takers miss so much, and have so much to learn about life and love. Takers know how to attach themselves to givers when it's convenient, and detach when it's not.

Lately I have felt the sting of the takers. It's sharp and brutal and wounding to my soul. I refuse to allow the arrows to pierce my heart though. I give with a heart full of love. I love the joy of giving. I reap the spiritual benefits and some. Just saying...I decided not to let the takers take my joy of giving.

Fearless



Thursday, October 25, 2012

Nothing Wavering



 1:2  Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you are involved in various trials,
Jas 1:3  because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance.
Jas 1:4  But you must let endurance have its full effect, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing.
Jas 1:5  Now if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives to everyone generously without a rebuke, and it will be given to him.
Jas 1:6  But he must ask in faith, without any doubts, for the one who has doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.
Jas 1:7  Such a person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord.
Jas 1:8  He is a double-minded man, unstable in all he undertakes.


Lately, I have run face to face with lack of faith. Not only my own, but a lot of other people. I don't know maybe the Lord wanted me to see this. That's how he deals with me. He's a God that can show you as he teaches us. I see why it's important to die daily. Everything has a price, every decision we make in life. If we decide to put our focus on ourselves; it cost us our faith, and ultimately our joy and/or blessings.

I did get the financial release that I have been praying for. It was a struggle in the midst of the process to hold on to my faith. I had to fight for my faith many nights, I begged people to pray me through. I learned that when you are in the midst of  a trial, we have to be like Jacob and refuse to let go of the Lord until he blesses us.We have to wrestle with God.  I had to dismiss every doubt that tried to spring up in my heart. One well meaning friend said, maybe God doesn't want this for you. I quickly rebuked that. I know the voice of the enemy, it tries to make you waver and doubt in prayer. James said if we waver in our prayer we should not expect anything from our God.

I pray for wisdom all the time, what I forget to do sometime is pray before I make a decision. I have walked into many lion dens and snake pits. However this time I did pray. At first I couldn't understand why my friend say it's might not the will of God for me. It is not immoral or illegal, it's a blessing! Why would it not be God's will? Why would God withhold a good thing from me. That's like someone saying it's not God's will to heal us. Yes it is! Jesus died for our healing. It's part of his grace and mercy. I don't doubt He desires to heal us. I think we spend to much time doubting our prayers. Even Jesus couldn't perform miracles in his hometown because of their unbelief.

A couple of prayer partners of mine one told me they didn't pray for healing because they prayed for it before and the people didn't get healed. The other told me prayer was a waste of time, she prayed and believed and God didn't do what she asked. I don't know why this happens sometimes, I do know it shouldn't make us doubt God's desire to heal or give. I asked the first one did she go lay hands on the person. She said no.  Maybe we should do it the way God said, knowing He is able to do what he says he'll do. He desires our trust. Trust says in the simplest term, I am your child and I know you are for me. It's childlike faith.  I know I want to see more healing take place, so I started asking more people if I could pray for them. I ask strangers in the mall, at the corner market. I decided to let go of embarrassment and fear. And you know what happened? God started healing them.

Two week ago my neighbor was in pain. He has suffered with this pain in his ribs for over twenty years; since an automobile accident. I asked him if I could pray for him. He said yes. I prayed for him. Today two weeks later he told me he hasn't had any pain in his ribs since. I know God healed him, because as I laid hands on his ribs, my hands felt as if they were on fire. My neighbor felt the heat. He's amazed that after twenty years the pain is gone. I'm not, I believe my Abba.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Hope and New Mercies


Lam 3:21  This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope.
Lam 3:22  It is of the LORD'S mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassion fail not.
Lam 3:23  They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.
Lam 3:24  The LORD is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.

I woke this morning to new compassion and more mercy. Today my heart is singing, "Holy is the Lord God Almighty." I'm so in love with Him. I'm in love like a joyfully giddy schoolgirl. He really is my first love.

Yesterday as I was praying, I decided to just worship the Lord for all that He is. As I prayed His ways just got greater, more wonderful, beyond awesome as I thought on Him. I had no words that I could describe Him. My vocabulary is to limited. I thought back on his unlimited mercy toward me.

I have been calling friends whom I know know can shake the heavens with their prayers. The problem with this is that it's always a struggle to get them to pray. I started thinking on the many insane conversations I have with them before the prayer can go up. One has a problem praying if she sees the people or person as sinful, one is prejudice and doesn't realize it because I'm black and her friend, one is more focused on preaching to her messy husband because she feels like the righteous one, and I sometimes get self-centered and unworthy; I miss the High Call of God in Christ Jesus. One by one Abba started showing me our sin. It's mostly self-righteousness which is pride. Yet he hears our prayer. He allow us to come to his Throne of Grace.

It's easy to forget that those we have been called to pray for are just like us, born in sin and shaped in iniquity. As soon as God start using you that subtle deception of pride always tries to sneak in the back door on you. I told them all that we are prayer warrior not judges. How did we manage to forget where we came from? That kind of makes us the worse kind of hypocrites. I prayed and called us out on our sins. I renounced them one by one as God showed them to me. Pride and deception has no place in our prayer circle. I just focused on the LORD'S mercies and compassion toward us. They are new every morning. We didn't get consumed! Sometimes we're just wretched and awful,  and those are the times we feel righteous. I don't know if they got mad at my prayer or not. It really doesn't matter. I know they love the LORD, and me, and will get over it. I'm just glad for new mercies. Thinking on His mercy gives us hope.

Thinking on His mercy today is overwhelming my heart with love for Him. I love Abba!

Fearless


Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Stumbling upon Faith...again


Heb 11:6  But without faith no one can please God. We must believe that God is real and that he rewards everyone who searches for him.


Yesterday I had a meeting that could bring some financial release to me. I really need it. I need it so badly I started thinking on everything that could go wrong. The night before the meeting I was suddenly gripped with fear. I woke with the same fear. After a brief (and I do mean brief) prayer I went to my meeting. I went into the meeting trying to fake a confidence that I didn't feel. Before long I broke into a cold sweat. Fear and dread accompanied me to the meeting. I hate when that happens.

I know that fear and dread have haunted me most of my life. My natural life anyway. I sometimes still struggle with that little girl of an alcoholic/drug addict father, she waits for disappointment and for the shoe to drop, the bottom to fall out. She's so insecure and afraid. Then in the meeting the unthinkable happened; a computer glitch! I have to wait two more days for any news. I left the meeting in a panic. I called Georgia, California and Florida to my prayer partners. I was desperate and emotional. They were all busy, one was in the bathroom, one at work and the other at the doctors. The one in the bathroom listen to the panic in my voice. I kept saying one word..."Pray!"

She told me to wait until she used the bathroom. Personally I didn't see anything wrong with her praying while on the john. Just because she had to take a crap doesn't mean God wouldn't hear her. Did she not hear the desperation in my voice? She hung up and told me she would call me back. I was left alone to pray for myself. It's hard to pray when you let go of your faith and grab the hand of fear. Fear really does have torment. 

I just started praying, mostly I repented and spoke only what the word of God said. In the meeting every fault I have came to my mind. I just wasn't good enough for God. I said a couple of swear words this week. I had the worse thoughts. I got to lazy to pray a few days. When that wasn't enough to condemn me I went back ten years of sin and messiness. The blood of Jesus stopped being enough for me. It was a vicious assault on my mind. I sometimes secretly believe I have to earn God's love, like the sad little girl of the alcoholic/drug addict.

He never tire of reassuring me of the contrary. He couldn't love me more, his love is perfect. I'm not hard to love, I don't have to be perfect to please him. He delights in me. I'm not a child of an alcoholic, but the child of the King. He has given me the keys to the Kingdom. I don't have to stand out in the rain when I have the keys in my hand. He said, that when I pray for anyone else I pray with great faith, but not for me. He said to ASK, and it will be done. He told me to ask and rest. So that's what I did...and you know what? Perfect love really does cast out fear.

Fearless for real


Saturday, October 13, 2012

Proud Grandmother



Yes, that's right I'm a proud grandmother. My grandson Jason Hawthorne Jr, player of the year baseball. MVP for the last three years basketball and football. He's so cute too!

Prayer






1Th 5:17  Pray without ceasing.



This has been a very sad week for me. Sad in the fact that my friends and acquaintance are suffering and one died this week. She was not a close friend. I never had pleasure of actually meeting her in person. We worked on Sistahfaith together. She was my Facebook friend and a very large presence with her many funny, cheerful and colorful status updates. I could always go to my home page and see her beautiful face. She helped a lot of struggling writers. She seemed to be tireless in her work. Her death came as a shock to many. She left a twelve year old daughter. I can't help but feel bad her. I can only imagine the heartache she must be feeling right now.

The night she died I had a dream about her. She was giving CPR to a women, but she was to weak to continue. I guess that was the Lord's way of telling me, her journey is over, she gave until her last breath. Her heart was just to weak to go any further. She gave her all. The bible says, to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord. She's with Jesus,and at rest.

The other day a friend posted on my Facebook wall that she missed our chats. I have had very little time to call my friends lately. I love our chats as well. We played phone tag for a couple of days, and finally connected. We talked for a long time. We had much catching up to do. I didn't realize it had been almost a year since we talked. What she shared with me about her last year broke my heart. Not because she sounded sad or anything, quite the contrary, she was joyful and praising God. Her three year old grandson had to have his eye removed. She has had several major surgeries to remove insidious cancer growth. She had to go to the doctor today, because they think she has more abnormal growth. As she was telling me all that she had been through in her sweet giggly voice I was feeling slightly annoyed.

I din't get annoyed at the fact that she praised God. I got annoyed because I used to work in surgical oncology and I know the seriousness of her diagnosis. I left surgical oncology a year after my husband death. I was emotionally drained and I felt like an empty failure. One of my favorite patient had died of the same cancer my friend is fighting. My patient and I somehow became friends. I used to have lunch with her. She comforted me during my husband death. The other staff hid her death certificate from me. When I realized I hadn't heard from her I pulled her chart to get her phone number, only to be met with her death certificate. I was devastated and inconsolable. My co-workers thought I got to close to the patients and their families. I never learned how not to  grieve for them. Or "not feel," as one of my co-workers put it. I burned-out of oncology after five years.

For some reason, before my friend told me of her diagnosis; I gushed on and on about the power of God to heal. For no reason at that point that I knew of. She let me know that she had a test coming to see if she has developed ovarian cancer, and that if we didn't see each other in this life we will definitely see each other when we're with Jesus. I song the lyrics to the song I can only imagine. She asked me to think of her every time I heard I the song. She gave me words of encouragement. She said to, "keep your eyes on Jesus and others so that I won't focus on myself, because that would lead to selfishness and selfishness lead to a loss of joy. Don't lose your joy." She helped me to realized that is what my problem has been. She made it plain and simple, where I tried to complicate it in my head. That's what my problem has been since I moved into this apartment. And just maybe she needed to hear about Abba's power to heal.

I hung up feeling slightly sad. She posted the video on my wall. I had two choices. I could cry, or I could call all the intercessors and prayer warrior I know around the USA, and pray for my friend. I chose the latter. I called Florida, California, Detroit, Minnesota and called for prayer watch. We prayed until we felt the heavens open it's ears to our cries.

She posted a prayer request on Facebook. We were already praying. The next day she got a good report from the doctors. I needed to hear how not to allow myself to become selfish, she may have needed to hear about Abba's healing. We all need prayer, we all need each other. I told the intercessors that she got a good report. They simply said, "we know."

Fearless

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Sober and Vigilant


1 Peter 5:8  Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walk about, seeking whom he may devour:

Okay, I've been in the apartment for two weeks today. Two weeks without a clue as to how I would eat from day to day. I love these times in my life, the days I have to actually exercise faith to eat. But I'm going to have to be honest, I threw a couple of pity parties. No one showed up to celebrate with me. I was alone. I decided to walk around the building with the long face. I ran into my next door neighbor as I was walking. He's a really nice guy and the youngest person in the building. He's a couple of years younger than I. He's funny, kind and reminds me of my brothers. We met and became fast friends. He asked me what was wrong. I gave him my pity party song( I don't have any money or furniture, I'm poor and no one loves me, God probably hates me too) He looked at me and said "Woe it's me! Suck it up! I don't feel sorry for you, learn how to crawl before you walk, you have a roof over your head, you don't live on the streets."

He went on to read me the riot act, when he got through with me all I could say is, "You are not invited to MY pity party, since you have no sympathy for my plight in life! I walked away laughing. Sometimes it takes words that feel like a cold slap in the face to wake you up, from an attack on your mind, when you listen to the voice of fear instead of faith.

I thank my Heavenly Father that he places people in my life to that will tell me to snap out of despondency and despair, because it is not of our Father. The enemy of our soul is the master of deception and the father of lies and he wants to devour our faith and leave us feeling hopeless and alone. I called one of my intercessor friends and she gave me the faith talk. She told me to get my focus off of my circumstances and myself and be sober and vigilant. Sometimes we need the faith talk, I don't care how spiritually mature you think you are. We need each other. I for one am glad I have friends that will challenge my mindset and tell me the truth. I looked up the words sober and vigilant. To be sober nēphō in Greek
 (1) to be sober, to be calm and collected in spirit.
2) to be temperate, dispassionate, circumspect. 
To be vigilant is grēgoreuō
 (1) to watch
2) metaphorically give strict attention to, be cautious, active
2a) to take heed lest through remission and indolence some destructive calamity suddenly overtake one.

It's hard to be sober and vigilant when you are focused on your flesh and or your circumstances. It's really kind of silly my Abba has never left me or forsaken me. I wasn't even forsaken then. One of my dear neighbors said they used to give food from some of the grocery stores sometimes, but it's been a while since that happened. Twice in the first week  my favorite market Trader Joe's gave us food. Organic vegetables, sweet potatoes, avocados, and green and salad mixes. All the things I wanted to fast. Why it didn't dawn on me that my desires were being filled even as I cried like a spoiled baby, I don't know. I guess my mind got clouded. I know it wasn't by mistake the things I desired were given in the building. I know my Abba takes care of me. Now I just say a silent thank you Father. These are the times in my life he teaching me to be a women of great faith.

Fearless