Transformation

Romans 12:2

New King James Version (NKJV)

² And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.

I've spent way too many years trying to fit everyone opinion of me or what is right for me. I never lived up to anyone's expectation. Although, I did manage to hide my true self. I just wasn't acceptable or so I thought. I remember once, this woman that was in a congregation I attended said, that I dress and walk into the sanctuary as if I'm announcing, "It's me!" Those words jacked me up for weeks. I tried to dress in a way that I thought would please her for the next several weeks. I started walking into the sanctuary as if ashamed to do so. Before she said that I wore clothes that reflected my mood, bright and cheerful. It's not as if I dressed like the town hooker, I was always decent and covered. One day I was talking to my sister Claudia on the phone as I was looking for dark and sober clothes to wear to church. One outfit I vetoed out loud to Claudia because, I didn't think the woman would like it. Claudia asked me why would I care what she thought.I told her about what the woman said to me, Claudia said, "Boy, she really jacked you up, she's probably just jealous."

Claudia's words were a wake-up call for me. I had walked away for a very legalistic church. We all wore the long dark dresses and self-righteous scowls. Sack cloth and ashes would have probably been more appealing. When I walked away from the hypocrisy of those years, it was with determination to be who God created me to be. I had conformed but, not more like the image of my Father. I resembled  the pharisees on the outside, but on the inside my heart was screaming for my Father to save me. I had finally been accepted by the woman in that congregation, but it came with a great price. After awhile I couldn't pay it any more. That's when I took everything to Abba. My insecurities, hypocrisy, the obsessive need to be loved. He simply said, "Your problem is that you don't know who you are, follow me."

Ten years later, I realize that was exactly what the problem was. I have lived in several different states in those ten years. I have had the privileged to minister to very wealthy people, the homeless, prostitutes, and now the elderly and disabled. Each experience has been a blessing in itself. It doesn't matter to me who, like my Father I'm not respecter of the person. Although I secretly(or not so secretly) prefer the homeless and handicap. In my experience they've been nicer. Not all but most. 

Feeling unacceptable or less than was a stronghold, planted by the enemy of my soul as a child, when my sibling and schoolmates made fun of me. A stronghold is, a faulty way of thinking based on lies. I turned into a people-pleaser. You can't please God and people because, you'll compromise if you want to make people happy. Somewhere in the last ten years of following Jesus, my thinking changed. My confidence is in my God and Savior, and I truly am fully persuaded that He is who He says He is. I have come to realize that Christ in me is my hope of glory. He's in me, that alone makes me acceptable. The fact that he knitted me together in my mothers womb and He knew all about me before I made it to this part of my journey is a plus, but not my hope. This knowledge helped me to realize I don't have to fit in anyone neat little package. God rejoices in my uniqueness. I'm created for his work, he's the master craftsman. I refuse to allow people to mold me into their image.

The enemy has no new tricks, he thought that if someone came and tore apart everything I said/did in the bible study, I would break. Greater is he that is in me then he that is in the world. I love Jesus so much, and nothing can separate me from his love. It takes more love and courage to tell people the hard truth that Abba tells me to say then to lie and flatter. 

Fearless

The Devil's Advocate

Jude 1:18-23

New International Version (NIV)

¹⁸ They said to you, “In the last times there will be scoffers who will follow their own ungodly desires.” ¹⁹ These are the people who divide you, who follow mere natural instincts and do not have the Spirit.

²⁰ But you, dear friends, by building yourselves up in your most holy faith and praying in the Holy Spirit, ²¹ keep yourselves in God’s love as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring you to eternal life.

²² Be merciful to those who doubt; ²³ save others by snatching them from the fire; to others show mercy, mixed with fear—hating even the clothing stained by corrupted flesh.

I started the bible study in the building. All I can say right now is-poor me! The OBC-short for Old Biddies Committee came out. Not to support me, but to "see what I know." True to the of nature of one, I was mocked ridiculed and tried  to be made to look like a fool. However true to Abba's nature I was warned, prepared and full of grace and truth. What the OBC didn't realize is-it's not I, but the one who sent me. For over a week he prepared me. The Holy Spirit is at work in me, what was being said rolled off my back. The whole time I was speaking this one woman(the bossy one of the OBC) refused to stop talking. However, the Holy Spirit convicted the hearts that heard his word. I have to admit I was surprised at the hearts that were convicted. The lady I call Ms. Nosy responded to the word of God. The Lord gave me the grace to see whose hearts were convicted. He never cease to amaze me.

To be honest, I knew something was going on during the time I was teaching, I just wasn't sure what it was. Things were different for me this time. My flesh didn't get in the way, and get offended. For a week Abba gave me instructions. What to say, were to find it, what to eat, when to fast, pray and study. I was convicted by His words myself. He told me, it's His work and I have to yield everything to Him. I taught out of the 12 Chapter of Hebrews. It took over a day afterward for me to realize what was going on during the teaching, the bossy one was actually pulling on my spirit. Something in her wanted to stop me. She didn't want to hear what I was saying.

Yesterday, several of the woman that showed up for the bible study were in the hallway. As I walked up on them the bossy one let me know they were talking about me. I said I hope it was nice. She asked me if I had a minute she had something to show me. Even though I was on my way for an evening walk I said."Okay, but can we make it quick, I want to walk before it gets dark. I walked to her apartment, mostly out of respect for her age. Unfortunately she wasn't through with me, how dare I preach on the root of bitterness. She told me my message didn't make any sense, I was shouting and impatient and I should conduct myself better. She offered me some teaching tools from he  bible studies at church. She told me I need to go to school to be a theologian before attempting to teach the word of God. She did everything in her power to discredit every word I spoke, and me personally. I graciously asked her if it was alright if I got back with her after my walk. She said, "yes but, I should hurry up," because she didn't "have all night."

I walked away and went on my prayer walk. I asked Abba to give me what he wanted to say to her. He told me not to lean unto my own understanding, but to acknowledge him. I did just that. This is what he had me to say to her.

I told her "I thank you for the books, but I say what God tells me to say. If these book were effective than the church wouldn't be full of bitterness, gossip, slander, hypocrisy and apostasy." I told her I was never once impatient and if I was talking to loud it was only because I had to talk over her. I told her about the things God showed me a couple of years ago. How only a third of the church would make it, if we don't turn to Him with our whole hearts. I told her I'm not confused as to who I work for. She went on to say, well the bible says a child will lead you and that she knows she's to play the "devil's advocate." Her whole conversation got confusing after a few minutes.

After our conversation was over I talked to my sister Claudia. She said I didn't make a friend with those words. I told her I spoke the words Abba gave me. I used to let people like her intimidate me. Abba told me he would make me a sharp instrument with teeth. I guess he has. It's time-out for letting man intimidate us or silence the voice of the Spirit within us. Abba is showing me that we must have an attitude of NO compromise. Last night he gave me the scripture I started this blog post with. The part of being merciful to those who don't believe, I know pertains to her. I pray for the grace to love even in the face of ridicule. I know without love we miss the mark. I can't compromise the word or love. 

Pray for me

Fearless

Strong Heart

Psa 27:14  Wait on the LORD. Be courageous, and he will strengthen your heart. Wait on the LORD!

I went to a new cardiologist this morning. I prayed that he would be one that I was a good listener and had a sense of humor. I like my doctors to be like anyone else that I have to deal with, good listeners and funny. Yes, I do pray about almost everything. Sometimes I get cocky and forget to pray for things. Those are the decisions I usually regret. My new doctor was in the early stage of middle-age, short, balding, with a bright cute smile. He walked in the exam room and gave me the brightest smile. I liked him instantly. We talked about my diagnosis, medication, and prognosis. Then it was time for my exam. The first thing(and only thing) he checked was my heart beat. His face went from calm to startled, he moved the stethoscope over and listen again with the same shocked expression. I started to get worried, and that crazy little hypochondriac that comes to visit me before or during every doctors visit came out. She asked in a weak voice, "is everything alright?" The doctor looked up at me, and said in a shocked voice, "Your heartbeat is so strong, it shocked me. I just wasn't expecting that."

He went on to say, he believe that my heart may have corrected itself and he wants me to have an ultrasound. He's very optimistic and believe that my heart has made a complete recovery. I could have told him that I knew it would. Abba told me that it would two years ago. Abba is faithful with his promises. I know the scripture that I posted David may have not meant literally "strengthen your heart", but for me it did. I'm ecstatic! Not because I didn't believe Abba when he told me it was only for a season, I'm glad to move on to a new season. I have learned a lot in this season, that I will take with me to the next season. I learned that people that are older or disabled are ostracized, and stripped of their dignity on every level imaginable. I learned that they feel hopeless and lonely, bitter and angry, mostly because they're made to feel as if they no longer matter, and for some that they never mattered.

So, I talked to the pastor of the church next door and he said it was okay for me to start a bible study in the building. I have talked to many of the residents and they're excited that I'm going to start the bible study next week. I had one bible study last week, but it was unofficial one on one, because she didn't want to wait. I have people willing to help and everything is looking bright and shiny for the new year. For the new year I have a new bible study group and a heart that's no longer broken.

Fearless`