Following Christ

Matthew 19:28-30World English Bible (WEB)

28 Jesus said to them, “Most certainly I tell you that you who have followed me, in the regeneration when the Son of Man will sit on the throne of his glory, you also will sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. 29 Everyone who has left houses, or brothers, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name’s sake, will receive one hundred times, and will inherit eternal life. 30 But many will be last who are first; and first who are last.

I remember when I was first told to leave Michigan. My first three grandchildren were toddlers. I fit my work schedule around them so that I would have three days a week with them. I love them so much. When Jesus told me to forsake all others and leave them I cried. My mom got manipulative and angry that I was leaving, my son just got angry. I left anyway. Jesus has the last say.

Now more than a decade later I'm sent back. My mom is still manipulative. She tries to guilt me into whatever she desire me to do. I have grown up in Christ, though. I have watched over His lamb and His sheep. I know when I'm being manipulated and I will call it out. I will never disrespect my mom, however, I told her she would make the perfect Jewish mom trying to guilt trip me will no longer work. That always stop her.

My son is another story. He tries to manipulate with anger. He never got over the fact that I cut those apron strings. Lately, we talked about it. He finally got it out of His system. He said, "mama all I ever wanted was you, I use sit in the window waiting for you to come home." A lot of the time I didn't. I told him I'm sorry, I was too messed up as a young woman. I love him and I always have. He really did deserve a full-time mom. Since then I have watched a transformation in him. I have been apologizing to him for thirty years, but he never told his side of the story. Maybe he thought I couldn't handle his truth. I knew it, I caused it.

The rest of my family in Michigan can be a hand full. I never saw people as mean and entitled in one family. Except in the family of Christ. I don't know how many times I've said to Jesus, I can't with them, not my family. He told me His family is the same way and He puts up with them. Ouch.

I love my family, but they are worrying my mom. She has a baby brother my same age. She's really like a mother to him and he and I grew up together. He acts like he's twelve. He's a diabetic who refuse to do right. I had to take him to the hospital the other day. The doctor said he was stroke and coma level, his kidneys are failing and he has to get himself together. I left the hospital in tears. The next day he left the hospital against medical advice. He walked to my cousin house without a coat and still disorientated. When he made it here last night I told him, "I shed my last tear for you and if you want to die, make your peace with Jesus. I want to collect insurance. I will not pass the hat for you." He laughed, but I'm serious.

I have to stay focused in the midst of chaos. I never thought I would have to follow Christ back to my family, it's different with this group of misfits, our is it?

Fearless

Lost My Friend

Revelation 14:13New King James Version (NKJV)

13 Then I heard a voice from heaven saying to me, “Write: ‘Blessed are the dead who die in the Lord from now on.’”

“Yes,” says the Spirit, “that they may rest from their labors, and their works follow them.”

I lost my friend Evelyn today. I can't believe she's gone. One of the ladies from the ministry called me this morning and told me that Evelyn was rushed to the hospital with back pain. I know she suffers from sciatica. I didn't think much of it. I made a mental note to call her when I had a moment. I had a thought to call her yesterday and didn't.

The apartment manager called me crying a few hours later. She told me Evelyn didn't make it. It took me a minute to focus. She mentioned Evelyn son, and sisters. I thought she just wanted them to know that she was rushed to the hospital. Then she said, "she didn't make it."

I haven't talked much on the phone lately, mostly because I don't have much free time. It's been over a week since I talked to Evelyn and we never go that long without a conversation. I have just been so busy. Usually, before someone leaves me I know it, but this one seriously caught me off guard.

I can't imagine life in Lexington without my friend. We went out to dinner at least twice a month. We shopped together, we prayed together, we talked about Jesus, she introduced me to other ministers in Lexington, we lived in the same building and she was a regular at the bible study. She was a minister, sister and friend.

Every time someone close to me dies I feel this strange void. No one can take their place. Something good ended and life will never be the same. I don't grieve like I use to when I know they died in Christ. I still grieve, I grieve for her only son, I grieve for her sisters and I grieve for me. I can't believe she's gone and I'm so far away. Evelyn, time here is over, she's resting from her labor. I'll see her again on the other side.

 A few days ago one of our neighbors called me to tell me it was a blizzard going on in Lexington, it's unseasonably warm in Michigan. I asked Abba why he chose this day to call Evelyn to rest. I pray for her only son. I have one son and I know how much that only son loves his mama. Our son's use to act just alike. Her son's name is Jaime and my son's name is Jason. They're two weeks a part in age. We called them brother from another mother. We had never met anyone with a son so much like each others son.

I can't imagine what he must be going through right now. I prayed for him and I just went and hugged my son. I'm going to miss my friend, but her son is probably devastated. The tears are flowing freely down my face, I have to go.

Fearless

Unending Love

1 Corinthians 13:8Worldwide English (New Testament) (WE)

8 Love never ends. The gift of speaking words from God will end. The gift of speaking in different tongues or languages will stop. The gift of knowing many things will end.

Abba had a nice long conversation with me regarding my love walk. In the last few years, there have been people around me and in my family that have been very cruel or backbiting, mean and vicious toward me. I thought I had let it go. Their cruelty is not in the forefront of my mind. However, Abba let me know that it has left unforgiveness in my heart. Just when I thought I have repented and now I'm good. He shines His light in yet another dark area in my life. I told Abba to shine the light on all the dark places in my heart. My heart really is deceitful and wicked like the scripture says.

Today, I yield my heart completely to His Holy Spirit. I don't want anything standing in the way of my love for Him. There's not a person in the world worth losing Him for. I prayed and He showed me who I had problems forgiving. I prayed in earnest for both of them. Abba told me, love, never end/fail. If He is love that means He never fails. It doesn't matter what people do to you.

My heart is so soft right now for those two people that I prayed with tears in my eyes for them. He's so good to me. There's nothing about me that He doesn't desire. He even accept my sinful heart, all we have to do is stop being self-righteous and tell the truth. He uses our confessions to change us. As long as we refuse to bring our mess to Him, is how long we stay in it. He desires an eternity with us. He died for us to bring our raggedy heart to Him. He said His new covenant was writing His Law in our heart. His love really is endless, regardless of our failure, pain or disaster. His love is eternal.

Fearless 

Law Of Kindness

Proverbs 31:26New King James Version (NKJV)

26 She opens her mouth with wisdom,
And on her tongue is the law of kindness.

I'm from a family of people that make fun of everything. Nothing is beyond their ability to make a joke out of. They can also be vicious gossips or just plain mean. I have always been too sensitive for this lot. They thought my soft heart was a weakness that needed to be laughed at or at least toughened up.

They have always been meaner to me than anyone else in the family. Lately, it's getting worse. I have a brother and my mom's baby brother who is my age that is really awful. They visit every day. When they visit they cook or eat. They always leave a mess, talk about my cooking, make jokes that I realize aren't funny they are mean. I try to cook enough for my mom to have leftovers. They said she never eats, she always ask me for seconds. I'm not saying that I'm the best cook, but I know that I am a good cook. However, I have never gotten anything from the male in my family but ridicule.

Every time I come to town I realize my brother is angry at me. He says I think I'm the boss over them.What it is is that I stop their foolishness toward my mom and have them help her, paint her home, mow her lawn, clean her basement etc. My one brother is so vicious toward me that he uses social media to express his hatefulness. I love my brother but I have been away from my family so long that I can see them for what they are truly doing. They are users, and verbally abusive. I have a very comical family, but some of them use humor to hurt. He's one of them.

Yesterday, he and I went to the grocery store for my mom. He grabbed the money and walked away before I could get to mom. She asked me to get her money from him because he will spend ten of her dollars on himself. I asked her why she gave it to him. She said he took it when she pulled it out. I knew it was going to be a problem. I told him that I was doing the meal planning and I know what is needed. I could feel the tension. However, I left him no choice. He gave me the money and the list.

On our way in he made a statement about mom not trusting me because of my past drug use. I told him I didn't live in the past and the one thing I don't allow in my life is someone holding me hostage to my past. I'm no longer the person that made mistakes in my twenties. And at my worst I never stole anything from anybody. I told him that she said she can't trust people in her life now, and I hope he's not one of them. I asked him what was his problem with me really because we don't live in a thirty year past. I need to know what I have done to offend him because I never meant to do that and we need to resolve this issue.

I always speak with kindness to my family. My son accused me of, looking and waiting to say something wise to him. I do that because I have to wait until I can get across to him what is needed to be said. I see Abba doing a work on my family. I just sometimes wish I didn't have to fight so hard to get the truth of God's word across to them.

I know I haven't been a perfect person. They don't know if they wanted to bring my imperfection to the surface they really don't have to reach that far back. I do love Abba and I boldly go to His throne of grace. The law of kindness is his law. The word for law in Proverb 31:26 is Torah which is God's teachings. The word for kindness is, Kindness toward God first, goodness, mercy, faithfulness, reproof, etc.

When confronted with his behavior, my brother went on the defensive. I told him, I only came to help. His behavior is making me feel a little bitter toward him. I had to go to God and asked him to give me the grace to walk in love toward my own family. Today all those bad feelings are gone. Abba told me when he sent me back to my family I would be a light. Even Jesus had a problem with his fleshly family and neighbors. He said a prophet is not without honor except in his own household and with his own family. The one thing I am used to is rejection, but so is Jesus.

I prayed and I heard the words of Proverb 31:26. My lesson on opening my mouth with wisdom and my tongue being the law of kindness. It doesn't matter if the unruly tongues of my family spit out bitter words. I have to open mine with wisdom and kindness.

Fearless

Seeking His Kingdom

Matthew 6:33Worldwide English (New Testament) (WE)

33 `Work first for God's kingdom and what he calls good. Then you will have all these things also.

I started a new blog because Abba asked me to. I know I have not been faithful to this one, but apparently he's not concerned with that as much as I am. The new blog is about being a caregiver to my mom. Once again he told me to tell the truth, to give Him all of my weakness and He will give me His grace.

To be absolutely honest I don't like telling the truth on myself. I would much rather put on the mask of self-righteousness. Even when I'm finished preaching I always wonder what people think of me for disclosing all my unrighteous truth. However, I tell it anyway because He asked me to. Sometimes I have the begging conversation with Him. They usually go like this, "How will I help anyone by letting them know what a mess I am? That's embarrassing to tell." Heads-up, begging will not help, and you will find no peace until it's done.

So I tell my truth with the breastplate of His righteousness because He grace is sufficient and His forgiveness is always available as long as we forgive others, and turn from our wickedness. It's really not as hard and deep as we make it.

So now, He told me to write on both blogs, write the novel and take care of my mom's household and a couple of other things without murmuring and complaining. Which by the way, I constantly have to repent for. I didn't realize I had become such a complainer. I have always disliked complainers. I have had many friends whose phone call I had stopped taking because they were always whining.

Yesterday He told me to seek His Kingdom first, and all the things I have in my heart will be added until me. I got up this morning and I did just that. I made Him first in my thoughts. I gave Him the rightful place in my life. He gave me the ending of my novel.

I'm learning how to divide my time wisely and I have a pretty good flow going with my mom's needs. I'm loving this learning process and look forward to the rest of my journey.

Fearless 

Flowing With My Prayer

Proverbs 31:29-31New King James Version (NKJV)

29 “Many daughters have done well,
But you excel them all.”
30 Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing,
But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.
31 Give her of the fruit of her hands,
And let her own works praise her in the gates.

I'm in Michigan, a couple of months ago my mom got a cancer diagnosis. I had just come back from a cruise to Jamaica, Cayman Island, and Mexico. I got the call from her at the airport on my way home. Her doctor had told me he suspected she may have cancer but he was waiting on solid proof, another test result. He also let me know if it was true there's nothing that can be done for her. She insisted that I go on the cruise and she lied and told me the test was negative. I begged God not to take my mama, I still need her, I'm just a kid.

The airport is a weird place to get bad news. It hard to break down in a crowd of strangers. So you muster up all the strength in you and fight tears. There's no private place to cry so you silently slip into a bathroom stall and hope no one noticed the loud sniffing sound coming from your stall or the red-eyed woman emerging. I was with my oldest sister who was way calmer than I was. She had on her poker face. I don't own a poker face. My feeling has always been transparently obvious.Two days later I was in Michigan, sleepless and anxious. As soon as my sister Jill saw me she suggested I get some pills for anxiety. That was kind of funny to me, apparently I looked like I felt. I'm mentally unbalanced and unable to focus. The part that Jill didn't understand is that she had that exact same look on her face. I was trying to get her to lie down and rest and she was doing the same for me, except she wanted to use drugs on me. I was too far gone for a nap.

I went back home for a few weeks and now I'm back. At the same time, I'm trying to complete the task of writing a novel. Now I'm back in Michigan and I realize my mama is demanding, surly and not above-using guilt tactic to make sure she get all of my attention. It reminded me so much of how my grandmother treated her when she was sick before she died. I love my mother with everything in me, however, I'm not used to having to cater to someone else, especially to the very person that is being manipulative, complaining, and refusing me time to myself. Every time I think I have her together enough to sit and write or read on how to put this business together, she calls my name. "I didn't fill her ice cup totally, her pillow feels crooked, find something she lost, hand her the remote control, etc, etc. But the truth of the matter is, "whatever you do please don't leave my sight." The other night I went to help my childhood best-friend(who just moved) to unpack. My mama refused to eat or speak to me for hours when I returned.

  A few years ago I was reading Proverbs 31, and like I often do, I asked Abba to make me a Proverb 31 woman. Of course with all the teaching I've ever heard or read on the subject, it consisted of being celibate as a single woman and waiting on this godly man. Cool, no problem I can do this. Needless to say, I struggled. I failed miserably for a short while. However, by his grace, I had finally gotten that part together, or so I thought (that's another story). 
Lately, I have started to feel irritated at my mama. I don't want to feel that way, I want to be the person who selflessly sit by my mama's side with never an unkind thought. I want to be the person in my head when I made the decision to come here. Not the person that I'm becoming. I'm getting resentful in my thoughts, which is just as dishonoring as if I expressed them verbally to her in an unkind manner. Abba reads our thoughts, as well as our hearts. So, once again I have to give him the real me in prayer. Prayers that say please help me to honor my mama, she's getting on my nerves. I want to love her the way He requests but I can't without His grace.

He told me I requested to be a Proverb 31 woman and she look well into her household, brought a vineyard, perceived that her merchandise was good. I really read what I asked for, and I thought to myself. "Once again I didn't realize what I prayed for." Sometimes I feel tricked into asking for something. However, I know that it's His will for me. He told me He was answering my prayers. I read her candle doesn't go out at night, and she rise early to take care of her household. So she keeps long hours. She dresses up in linen and purple. Sells merchandise she made with her hands. The one thing she didn't do is eat the bread of idleness. I have to flow with my prayer and wait for Abba to do the rest. I disabled my Facebook since I only used it as idle time. I got rid of all that distracted me, and I'm looking carefully into how to utilized my time wisely and I thank God for allowing me to take care of my much-loved mama in her time of need.

Fearless