Thursday, April 28, 2016

Seasons of Change

Ecclesiastes 3:1World English Bible (WEB)

For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven.
I have a job. I know I promised to never again work for anyone else. I tried to hold on and live what I like to call in simplicity. Not barefoot in clean white cotton, strumming on a guitar while singing campfire songs and eating veggies from my organic garden like I envisioned in my head. I did organic garden one year; I was a natural and I miss gardening. I even took guitar lessons, by lessons I mean Lisa Samson's son Jake gave me one lesson and it hurt my fingers and lost all of it's appeal to me.
I never quite became the hippie I wanted to be. I don't know why. I gave away all my power suits and high heels. I wore loud colors and big bright earrings, but hippie somehow escaped me just like it did in the seventies. I remember as a child in the sixties I would go to this hippie commune not far from my granddad's house with my siblings and cousins. They gave us tie-dyed paper flowers and said things like peace and love. I thought they were the epitome of cool. I wanted to be a hippie, but of course by the time I reached hippie age they were all gone to rehab or dead. Now they're called hipsters and they're artsy, liberal and condescending. I want to be like that.
I'm not. Not even a little bit. So I became the building minister. I did get the condescending part right. Abba called it pride. He has a way of calling sin by its proper name. Now I'm humbling myself. He put me in a job at a church under a pastor and his wife's watchful eyes. The first day was slightly uncomfortable, for them at least. I have a hard time not being my jovial self. So I didn't attempt not to be. I talked, told jokes, laughed at my own jokes. I know they were funny if you don't have a stick up your rear end. I don't think they know how to take me. Here's a clue, like I am.
I've been doing a lot of research for them. I wear office attire, the little that I still have left which isn't much. I wonder if I can wear hippie clothes. My season of just being comfortable and living and working in one small spot have ended. Abba called it my valley experience. Those valley experiences are rough. Jesus strips you of everything and leaves you with the bare minimum and test to see if you would still follow him. It's lonely and Jesus is always serious and sometimes a little stern. My season has changed. I'm now in a season of childlike faith again. I love this season. He's speaking tenderly to me and He's funny and I get to be His baby again. I can ask for things;silly things and He immediately answers in strange ways that make me laugh. Every day is like a new adventure full of wonder and surprises. I am so in love.
Fearless






Monday, April 25, 2016

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

The Death of a Refrigerator

1 Thessalonians 5:18World English Bible (WEB)

18 In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus toward you.
Saturday my refrigerator died. She served me well in the last few years. Not only did she keep my food housed and safe from spoilage, she held my grocery list, inspirational magnets, she even held my much neglected daily schedule. It wasn't always easy living together in such a small space. We have had our difficulty. Like the time her freezer clogged with ice and it melted and leaked all over my floor. There have been times in the middle of the night I stumbled into her on my way for a quick bathroom run. I always apologized. I like to think she forgave me. Other than that, we lived well together.
I was babysitting a five-month-old when I noticed the freezer was not working. I could hear the slight pulsating sound of life coming from the refrigerator, however the food in the freezer was wet and soggy. It was a mess of dripping blood and juices. I called maintance and reported a problem with my freezer. I had reported the freezer before I realized the refrigerator was not working. The light was on and I could hear the motor. Nothing was cold.

Caring for a five-month-old is difficult enough without a dead refrigerator, but its catastrophic when you combine the two. It was one of those days that I just didn't want to deal with a mess. If not me then who? I had to do something before maintance got there. The bible says in all things give thanks. I think dead refrigerators would fit in to the catagory of all things. The baby's grandmother picked him up and I went about the task of salvaging what I could.

Did I give thanks? Not at first. My first thoughts were whiny and complainy. Woe it's me, I have to clean and cook all day. My neighbor came over upset because he had been ripped off by a mechanic. I told him to praise and thank God for restoring what he had lost. That's when it hit me, I should take my own advise. In all things give thanks, that is the wil of God concerning us. My refrigerator died, I lost food, but the source of all my blessing still sits on the throne.

I lost quite a bit of food. I cooked all night what I could, and some I gave away so that others would benefit from my loss. I got a temporary replacement that night. Most of my fresh fruit and vegatable had started to fuzz and smell moldy. The frozen meat I cooked and gave away, but in the midst of it all I gave thanks. I thanked God that I could be a blessing to others. I thank God for the temporary replacemnt that came in the middle of the night. I thanked God that I was able to salvage a lot of the food. I thank Him because I know He will replace that which I lost.

Today I got a new refrigerator. I put my inspirational magnets on it. I put my mostly neglected schedue on it and the food I kept in it. And I give thanks.

Fearless


Sunday, April 10, 2016

The Beautiful One

Song of Solomon 2:10-13World English Bible (WEB)

10 My beloved spoke, and said to me,
    “Rise up, my love, my beautiful one, and come away.
11 For, behold, the winter is past.
    The rain is over and gone.
12 The flowers appear on the earth.
    The time of the singing has come,
    and the voice of the turtledove is heard in our land.
13 The fig tree ripens her green figs.
    The vines are in blossom.
    They give out their fragrance.
Arise, my love, my beautiful one,
    and come away.

My life is changing so fast I find it hard to keep up myself. For years, the Lord has made promises to me. He has spoken tender love stories in my ear. He calls me the beautiful one even when I feel tired and haggard and not attractive at all. When my hair is dirty and stringy and my eyes bloodshot from crying, like right now. His love always leaves me crying with joy. Today, he felt like loving on me. I guess I needed a love feast today. For sure they are always welcome though unexpected.

He gave me the scripture that I posted today. I opened my bible and there it was. It's the same scripture from my story in Sistahfaith. It always touches my heart and reminds me of His everlasting love and covenant to me. For me it's personal.

Yesterday I had a phone call that left me feeling misunderstood and judged wrongly. I don't know why people see me different than I truly am. It's hard when someone is weighing your every word and you know it. Sometimes my speech is halting,not because I lack confidence, but because I want to give the right words so as to not be misjudged. I fail every time. I've come to the concussion that I should just be me. I'm freeing myself of trying to be understood or loved.

I know the one that loves me. I hear His voice and He loves me completely. I can't be separated from His love. I don't have to win His approval. I realize that a person can tell you that they don't love you one time and you may never feel as if they do again. I remember once as a young wife and mother that I told my husband that I hated him in a fit of rage.

I will never forget the devastated look in his eyes. Even after the argument was over the pain remained inside of him and he often reminded me of what I had said. I loved him and it was never true, but he never felt secure in my love again. To be secure in something means fastened to, held firmly. When you refuse to hold love firmly or fasten to it, why call the other person insecure? I gave him no safety or security. He was left with nothing to hold on to.

Jesus love is always firmly fastened. It's solid, it's where my security lies. Today I'm loved and called the beautiful one, even if I don't see it.

Fearless