Unending Love

1 Corinthians 13:8Worldwide English (New Testament) (WE)

8 Love never ends. The gift of speaking words from God will end. The gift of speaking in different tongues or languages will stop. The gift of knowing many things will end.

Abba had a nice long conversation with me regarding my love walk. In the last few years, there have been people around me and in my family that have been very cruel or backbiting, mean and vicious toward me. I thought I had let it go. Their cruelty is not in the forefront of my mind. However, Abba let me know that it has left unforgiveness in my heart. Just when I thought I have repented and now I'm good. He shines His light in yet another dark area in my life. I told Abba to shine the light on all the dark places in my heart. My heart really is deceitful and wicked like the scripture says.

Today, I yield my heart completely to His Holy Spirit. I don't want anything standing in the way of my love for Him. There's not a person in the world worth losing Him for. I prayed and He showed me who I had problems forgiving. I prayed in earnest for both of them. Abba told me, love, never end/fail. If He is love that means He never fails. It doesn't matter what people do to you.

My heart is so soft right now for those two people that I prayed with tears in my eyes for them. He's so good to me. There's nothing about me that He doesn't desire. He even accept my sinful heart, all we have to do is stop being self-righteous and tell the truth. He uses our confessions to change us. As long as we refuse to bring our mess to Him, is how long we stay in it. He desires an eternity with us. He died for us to bring our raggedy heart to Him. He said His new covenant was writing His Law in our heart. His love really is endless, regardless of our failure, pain or disaster. His love is eternal.

Fearless 

Wilderness Experience

Hosea 2:14World English Bible (WEB)

14 “Therefore behold, I will allure her,
    and bring her into the wilderness,
    and speak tenderly to her.

I'm in desperate need of a wilderness experience with God. I've done things he asked me not to do. Mostly out of frustration and impatience. I thought I was an extremely patient person. I can be, sometimes with people and their foolishness. However lately I have not been.

I have deliberately started stupid fights. I don't know how to be in a real relationship. It's still easier for me to run. I haven't retired my running shoes yet. Now I'm emotionally eating pumpkin bread smothered in butter. I know I should apologize, but isn't that saying, I'm wrong? God told me many years ago to give up my right to be right.

I desperately cling to it though I have no peace. I beg God for forgiveness and at the same time enlist the aid of my sisters and friends to validate my reasoning. I know I wronged someone I love dearly, yet I'm too embarrassed and ashame to admit it to him. God showed me in a dream a week or two before I showed off, that I was going to do it. I was going to say hurtful things. I did it anyway. Before and after the dream.

I know what Paul means now when he said, Oh wretched man that I am. In my case women. When I asked for forgiveness from God He told me to ask him to forgive me. It's been three days and I still haven't. I feel like I just need to be alone with God in the wilderness. The person had said some hurtful things to me in the past and I won't let it go.

Not being able to forgive is an awful sin that steals your peace. Even when I think I forgave I look for stupid reason to pounce like a lioness. I'm ashamed of myself and scared. Lord have mercy on me and give me the grace to forgive with my heart and not my head.

Floating out of control...
Fearless