Hope and New Mercies

Lam 3:21  This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope.
Lam 3:22  It is of the LORD'S mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassion fail not.
Lam 3:23  They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.
Lam 3:24  The LORD is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.

I woke this morning to new compassion and more mercy. Today my heart is singing, "Holy is the Lord God Almighty." I'm so in love with Him. I'm in love like a joyfully giddy schoolgirl. He really is my first love.

Yesterday as I was praying, I decided to just worship the Lord for all that He is. As I prayed His ways just got greater, more wonderful, beyond awesome as I thought on Him. I had no words that I could describe Him. My vocabulary is to limited. I thought back on his unlimited mercy toward me.

I have been calling friends whom I know know can shake the heavens with their prayers. The problem with this is that it's always a struggle to get them to pray. I started thinking on the many insane conversations I have with them before the prayer can go up. One has a problem praying if she sees the people or person as sinful, one is prejudice and doesn't realize it because I'm black and her friend, one is more focused on preaching to her messy husband because she feels like the righteous one, and I sometimes get self-centered and unworthy; I miss the High Call of God in Christ Jesus. One by one Abba started showing me our sin. It's mostly self-righteousness which is pride. Yet he hears our prayer. He allow us to come to his Throne of Grace.

It's easy to forget that those we have been called to pray for are just like us, born in sin and shaped in iniquity. As soon as God start using you that subtle deception of pride always tries to sneak in the back door on you. I told them all that we are prayer warrior not judges. How did we manage to forget where we came from? That kind of makes us the worse kind of hypocrites. I prayed and called us out on our sins. I renounced them one by one as God showed them to me. Pride and deception has no place in our prayer circle. I just focused on the LORD'S mercies and compassion toward us. They are new every morning. We didn't get consumed! Sometimes we're just wretched and awful,  and those are the times we feel righteous. I don't know if they got mad at my prayer or not. It really doesn't matter. I know they love the LORD, and me, and will get over it. I'm just glad for new mercies. Thinking on His mercy gives us hope.

Thinking on His mercy today is overwhelming my heart with love for Him. I love Abba!

Fearless

Stumbling upon Faith...again

Heb 11:6  But without faith no one can please God. We must believe that God is real and that he rewards everyone who searches for him.

Yesterday I had a meeting that could bring some financial release to me. I really need it. I need it so badly I started thinking on everything that could go wrong. The night before the meeting I was suddenly gripped with fear. I woke with the same fear. After a brief (and I do mean brief) prayer I went to my meeting. I went into the meeting trying to fake a confidence that I didn't feel. Before long I broke into a cold sweat. Fear and dread accompanied me to the meeting. I hate when that happens.

I know that fear and dread have haunted me most of my life. My natural life anyway. I sometimes still struggle with that little girl of an alcoholic/drug addict father, she waits for disappointment and for the shoe to drop, the bottom to fall out. She's so insecure and afraid. Then in the meeting the unthinkable happened; a computer glitch! I have to wait two more days for any news. I left the meeting in a panic. I called Georgia, California and Florida to my prayer partners. I was desperate and emotional. They were all busy, one was in the bathroom, one at work and the other at the doctors. The one in the bathroom listen to the panic in my voice. I kept saying one word..."Pray!"

She told me to wait until she used the bathroom. Personally I didn't see anything wrong with her praying while on the john. Just because she had to take a crap doesn't mean God wouldn't hear her. Did she not hear the desperation in my voice? She hung up and told me she would call me back. I was left alone to pray for myself. It's hard to pray when you let go of your faith and grab the hand of fear. Fear really does have torment. 

I just started praying, mostly I repented and spoke only what the word of God said. In the meeting every fault I have came to my mind. I just wasn't good enough for God. I said a couple of swear words this week. I had the worse thoughts. I got to lazy to pray a few days. When that wasn't enough to condemn me I went back ten years of sin and messiness. The blood of Jesus stopped being enough for me. It was a vicious assault on my mind. I sometimes secretly believe I have to earn God's love, like the sad little girl of the alcoholic/drug addict.

He never tire of reassuring me of the contrary. He couldn't love me more, his love is perfect. I'm not hard to love, I don't have to be perfect to please him. He delights in me. I'm not a child of an alcoholic, but the child of the King. He has given me the keys to the Kingdom. I don't have to stand out in the rain when I have the keys in my hand. He said, that when I pray for anyone else I pray with great faith, but not for me. He said to ASK, and it will be done. He told me to ask and rest. So that's what I did...and you know what? Perfect love really does cast out fear.

Fearless for real

Proud Grandmother

Yes, that's right I'm a proud grandmother. My grandson Jason Hawthorne Jr, player of the year baseball. MVP for the last three years basketball and football. He's so cute too!

Prayer

1Th 5:17  Pray without ceasing.

This has been a very sad week for me. Sad in the fact that my friends and acquaintance are suffering and one died this week. She was not a close friend. I never had pleasure of actually meeting her in person. We worked on Sistahfaith together. She was my Facebook friend and a very large presence with her many funny, cheerful and colorful status updates. I could always go to my home page and see her beautiful face. She helped a lot of struggling writers. She seemed to be tireless in her work. Her death came as a shock to many. She left a twelve year old daughter. I can't help but feel bad her. I can only imagine the heartache she must be feeling right now.

The night she died I had a dream about her. She was giving CPR to a women, but she was to weak to continue. I guess that was the Lord's way of telling me, her journey is over, she gave until her last breath. Her heart was just to weak to go any further. She gave her all. The bible says, to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord. She's with Jesus,and at rest.

The other day a friend posted on my Facebook wall that she missed our chats. I have had very little time to call my friends lately. I love our chats as well. We played phone tag for a couple of days, and finally connected. We talked for a long time. We had much catching up to do. I didn't realize it had been almost a year since we talked. What she shared with me about her last year broke my heart. Not because she sounded sad or anything, quite the contrary, she was joyful and praising God. Her three year old grandson had to have his eye removed. She has had several major surgeries to remove insidious cancer growth. She had to go to the doctor today, because they think she has more abnormal growth. As she was telling me all that she had been through in her sweet giggly voice I was feeling slightly annoyed.

I din't get annoyed at the fact that she praised God. I got annoyed because I used to work in surgical oncology and I know the seriousness of her diagnosis. I left surgical oncology a year after my husband death. I was emotionally drained and I felt like an empty failure. One of my favorite patient had died of the same cancer my friend is fighting. My patient and I somehow became friends. I used to have lunch with her. She comforted me during my husband death. The other staff hid her death certificate from me. When I realized I hadn't heard from her I pulled her chart to get her phone number, only to be met with her death certificate. I was devastated and inconsolable. My co-workers thought I got to close to the patients and their families. I never learned how not to  grieve for them. Or "not feel," as one of my co-workers put it. I burned-out of oncology after five years.

For some reason, before my friend told me of her diagnosis; I gushed on and on about the power of God to heal. For no reason at that point that I knew of. She let me know that she had a test coming to see if she has developed ovarian cancer, and that if we didn't see each other in this life we will definitely see each other when we're with Jesus. I song the lyrics to the song I can only imagine. She asked me to think of her every time I heard I the song. She gave me words of encouragement. She said to, "keep your eyes on Jesus and others so that I won't focus on myself, because that would lead to selfishness and selfishness lead to a loss of joy. Don't lose your joy." She helped me to realized that is what my problem has been. She made it plain and simple, where I tried to complicate it in my head. That's what my problem has been since I moved into this apartment. And just maybe she needed to hear about Abba's power to heal.

I hung up feeling slightly sad. She posted the video on my wall. I had two choices. I could cry, or I could call all the intercessors and prayer warrior I know around the USA, and pray for my friend. I chose the latter. I called Florida, California, Detroit, Minnesota and called for prayer watch. We prayed until we felt the heavens open it's ears to our cries.

She posted a prayer request on Facebook. We were already praying. The next day she got a good report from the doctors. I needed to hear how not to allow myself to become selfish, she may have needed to hear about Abba's healing. We all need prayer, we all need each other. I told the intercessors that she got a good report. They simply said, "we know."

Fearless

Sober and Vigilant

1 Peter 5:8  Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walk about, seeking whom he may devour:

Okay, I've been in the apartment for two weeks today. Two weeks without a clue as to how I would eat from day to day. I love these times in my life, the days I have to actually exercise faith to eat. But I'm going to have to be honest, I threw a couple of pity parties. No one showed up to celebrate with me. I was alone. I decided to walk around the building with the long face. I ran into my next door neighbor as I was walking. He's a really nice guy and the youngest person in the building. He's a couple of years younger than I. He's funny, kind and reminds me of my brothers. We met and became fast friends. He asked me what was wrong. I gave him my pity party song( I don't have any money or furniture, I'm poor and no one loves me, God probably hates me too) He looked at me and said "Woe it's me! Suck it up! I don't feel sorry for you, learn how to crawl before you walk, you have a roof over your head, you don't live on the streets."

He went on to read me the riot act, when he got through with me all I could say is, "You are not invited to MY pity party, since you have no sympathy for my plight in life! I walked away laughing. Sometimes it takes words that feel like a cold slap in the face to wake you up, from an attack on your mind, when you listen to the voice of fear instead of faith.

I thank my Heavenly Father that he places people in my life to that will tell me to snap out of despondency and despair, because it is not of our Father. The enemy of our soul is the master of deception and the father of lies and he wants to devour our faith and leave us feeling hopeless and alone. I called one of my intercessor friends and she gave me the faith talk. She told me to get my focus off of my circumstances and myself and be sober and vigilant. Sometimes we need the faith talk, I don't care how spiritually mature you think you are. We need each other. I for one am glad I have friends that will challenge my mindset and tell me the truth. I looked up the words sober and vigilant. To be sober nēphō in Greek

 (1) to be sober, to be calm and collected in spirit.

2) to be temperate, dispassionate, circumspect. 

To be vigilant is grēgoreuō

 (1) to watch

2) metaphorically give strict attention to, be cautious, active

2a) to take heed lest through remission and indolence some destructive calamity suddenly overtake one.

It's hard to be sober and vigilant when you are focused on your flesh and or your circumstances. It's really kind of silly my Abba has never left me or forsaken me. I wasn't even forsaken then. One of my dear neighbors said they used to give food from some of the grocery stores sometimes, but it's been a while since that happened. Twice in the first week  my favorite market Trader Joe's gave us food. Organic vegetables, sweet potatoes, avocados, and green and salad mixes. All the things I wanted to fast. Why it didn't dawn on me that my desires were being filled even as I cried like a spoiled baby, I don't know. I guess my mind got clouded. I know it wasn't by mistake the things I desired were given in the building. I know my Abba takes care of me. Now I just say a silent thank you Father. These are the times in my life he teaching me to be a women of great faith.

Fearless

Jesus Wild Women

Yesterday the prostitute my sister and I have been ministering to looked at us and said, "I can hardly believe you're Christians. You look a little wild." Every time I think of that statement I laugh out loud. I know she didn't mean it as an insult, though some Christians would have taken it as one.

Sunday morning was rather warm outside so I stepped outside to the benches on the side of the apartment for a little fresh air. Before long many of the male tenants in the building were sitting with me. They were respectful, helpful and filling me in on the gossip mongers in the building. I know they wanted to be helpful, so I didn't call them out on their own gossip(though I made a mental note in my head). As I was sitting there a few of the women in the building came out of the church next door. I complimented them on how nice they looked in their (what I call church gear). They had on their big over-sized hats with matching long skirt sets. They looked like Christians.

My sister and I don't wear the big hats and matching ensembles. As a matter of fact we promised each other not to EVER allow anyone to dress us like that, even if we're dead. I can't think of any outfit I hate less. One little old women coming out of the church asked me why didn't I come to church Sunday morning. I told her I didn't know what time it started. She gave me a self-righteous look, and said it's started at 11:00 am and next Sunday she would knock on my door to pick me up so that I can sit with her on the "FRONT," pew. I knew that was her way of saying I did not look like a Christian.

Two different people both saying the same thing. One said it in love the other said it in hypocrisy. We had dinner with the prostitute, she visits us a lot, mostly because we give her unconditional love and support. She didn't mean it as an insult. We probably don't look like the Christians she has run across. We wear bright and stylish clothing, lipstick and big earrings. My sister has tattoos and piercings. We eat with the prostitutes and sit on the side of the building with the sinners. We get judged by the religious. We stand on corners praying with the prostitutes and homeless. We are about our Father's business. I can think of nothing I want to do less than sit on the front pew of a church building wearing an over-sized hat and self-righteous indignation scrawled on my face.

I like being Jesus's wild women. I told my sister that we look like Grace.

Fearless

The New Apartment

Once again I'm moving to yet another apartment. Last month I gave away all my furniture that has been in storage for a year and a half in Florida. I got tired of paying each month for furniture I could not afford to transfer across several states. I sat down today, and started thinking about how many times I've started over. I first moved away from home at the age of eighteen. When most girls my age are starting college, I was starting a family. I had a live-in boyfriend named John and our son Jason.

 I was young and immature, but responsible. I still remember the darkness of those days. the fights, the verbal abuse that John heaped on me by the truck loads. I took it trying to keep my family together. Like most abused women I tried to be perfect,  although my mind, will and emotions were in complete chaos, and most days my tiny young body badly bruised.  We both worked and sometimes two jobs. We drank cheap liquor and fought on the weekends. From outward opinion we were the perfect young couple. We had a well kept beautiful house(that my grandmother gave me) a new Lincoln Continental and we were always buying the latest gadgets. Inwardly we both were fighting our own demons. One night after eight years I left taking only my son and the clothes on my back. Against all odds I got a three bedroom ranch style house that same night. It was fully furnished.

That was my first time, this is the fourth. The next three were not as painful or dramatic, but each time I've been like the character "Much Afraid," in the allegory Hinds Feet for High Places.
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The apartment has a two year waiting list and I got it in two weeks. I thought I would have time to at least save some cash or pay off some credit. I should have known better. God spoke to me and said that he needed me to give myself over to prayer, fasting and studying his word. I guess my time with my sister and her children are over. I'm only moving a mile and a half away. The children are sad to see me go. They begged me to stay.  It is hard to say no to them. I learned a long time ago you have to be willing to let all else go to follow Jesus. He wants all of me. Even in an empty apartment.

It doesn't matter: I will follow Jesus anywhere and under any conditions. We're in the season of God's High Holy days. It has taken me quite a few days to finish this post. Mostly, because the packing and moving. Then I had to get the internet setup in my apartment. I know it's no coincidence that I get these complete changes during that started on the Week of Rosh Hashanah( New Beginnings) and during The Ten Days of Repentance before Yom Kippur(Day of Atonement).

I knew the apartment building was renovated for the elderly and disabled. Though I have been medically discharged from working for two years; my mind never really registered that I am now considered disabled. One small heart issue and now I have a new label, more challenges to face, more prejudice to overcome, but worse than that I have my own prejudice to overcome. When I filled out the application for the apartment. There were no residents in the hall. When I moved in there's several people in the hall in wheelchairs and on walkers. I thought about my life a few short years ago and even in the last couple of years. I thought about the apartment I lived in a couple of years ago, with pool, exercise room, and Jacuzzi for young yuppies. I complained as if I were going into a nursing home. I told my sister it was the smell of disinfect and, "old people,"that bothered me most, but really it's pride and prejudice. I hate it when those little foxes that hide in my heart show up. It's hard to come face to face with my own sin. It's much easier to look at someone else and find fault.

I wish I could say I was grateful, humble and praising God for my blessings.

I wasn't...

I'm glad I get ten days of repentance, I need each one of them.

Fearless

Just a Reminder

Mat 5:10  Blessed are they that have been persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Mat 5:11  Blessed are ye when men shall reproach you, and persecute you, and say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.
Mat 5:12  Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets that were before you.

I pray for my persecuted brother and sisters everywhere, GREAT is your reward in Heaven!

A Wake up call for the Western Church

Last week I started the bible study. I Prayed, fast and cried out for God's Glory to flow unhindered in the Western Church. Over the last twenty years I have watched as the church went from one crazy new doctrine, or as they call it manifestation after another. I have been in services that bored me to tears. I have been in churches that used emotional blackmail to raise money. I sat in church for years asking Jesus why our service lacked any miracles or healing, why did the blind and lame come and not get healed. I watched as cliques formed and the less fortunate were (or new converts) treated as lepers. I was one of those ostracized ones. I left the church many days wondering why the people of God were so mean and arrogant.  I wanted to know all I could about Jesus. Like the disciple Andrew I followed Jesus asking, "Were do you live?" I know that the church is still being persecuted around the world. People are still dying for their faith. It's sad to say but, too many of the churches in America are full of apostasy, hypocrisy and just plain old lukewarm. I have misrepresented and dishonored Jesus to many times myself over the years. It's time to give our hearts to Jesus and be willing to die for our faith. I see the signs that soon it will be a great persecution, to the true followers of Jesus everywhere. We're already being considered haters for speaking out against abortion, homosexuality, witchcraft and many other sins. To tell someone about Jesus's love and blood sacrifice that cleanse us from sin is not hatred it's love. Let the redeemed of the Lord say so. I'm tired of church as usual. Jesus is coming back for a church without blemish spot or wrinkle. It's time to fast and pray, take our children back out of the hands of the enemy, and lead as many as we can to the truth.  I had one woman that came to the bible study Friday that I had met on the street a couple of days before. She was standing on the corner with all her earthly possessions. Her bounty consisted of a black plastic bag half full of clothes, a dirty red decorative pillow, and a scented candle. She actually stopped my sister and I and asked us if we wanted anything of hers. I told her, "no those are your things." She said we could have anything we want. My sister asked her if she wanted prayer. Usually I would be the one that ask, but my mind was focused on me moving to my own apartment(the cares of the world). I prayed for her and gave her the phone number and invited her to the bible study. Jesus did something for her that night. She calls me daily to give me a report on where she slept, how she ate, and finally she didn't have to let anyone do unspeakable things to her for it. She's resting in Jesus. She also calls when she sees another soul in need of a healing touch from Jesus for me to pray for them. We live in a hurting decaying society. Share love today, God is love, tell someone that Jesus loves them, pray with them. Fearless

Wait on The Lord

Psa 27:14  Wait on the LORD. Be courageous, and he will strengthen your heart. Wait on the LORD!

I know I haven't wrote on this blog since my birthday. These last two months have been full of life, laughter and everyday mundane chores. I really couldn't think of anything remotely interesting to write about. Even talking to my friends in Florida lately, I truly have nothing to report. My garden turned out beautiful. I noticed when I mentioned my garden my friends seemed a little bored with the conversation.

I have been busy with children and young adults, some are incredibly sad and wishing to end their lives. I can not tell these stories without breaking the confidence of the children. So when I'm asked what have you been up to, the answer is always "nothing, just growing my garden." And n a way that's the truth. I see the children as God's flowers. The Apostle Paul said in 1Co 3:6  I planted the seed and Apollos watered it. But God is the one who made the seed grow. He was talking to the people in the Corinthian congregation about a division starting among the people. Through all the pain and heartache of the children; all I can do is plant the seed of God's love in prayer and the word. I have been blessed to watch the seeds of faith grow in their tender hearts.

I am starting a bible study soon. I'm just waiting on the LORD to send the people who are to help. I'm also working on getting an apartment. Pray that I get this apartment as I would truly like to give myself into prayer , fasting and study of the word. I do it now, but not nearly enough to feel confident to lead God's people. I have to hear from God. If I don't I refuse to get up and proclaim thus said the LORD! Lord knows there are enough people out there doing that. I personally am to afraid of God for that. plus I have no desire to bust hell wide open.

I want to hear God's heartbeat in every word that I speak. I know I do in the counseling. but preaching and teaching is a whole another matter. I know it's my calling, but that doesn't stop it from being scary. I told the Lord the other day that, pickings for preachers must be pretty slim for him to chose me. He told me to be silent before him and wait on him and he will give me revelation. Two days later and I still haven't heard from him. So I wait on the LORD.

Fearless