Back Home

Mar 5:18  As Jesus was getting into the boat, the man who had been demon-possessed kept begging him to let him go with him.
Mar 5:19  But Jesus wouldn't let him. Instead, he told him, "Go home to your family, and tell them how much the Lord has done for you and how merciful he has been to you."

I'm back home. I really enjoyed my adventure. Like the man that had been demon possessed Jesus sent me home. What's strange about the whole matter is that Florida felt like home while I was there. Now that I'm back to my colorful apartment with the nine foot ceilings and purple couch I realize that I'm home. I missed my apartment. I think it missed me too. Judging by the drawers with clothes hanging out, stove with one of the eyes pulled out like it lost a fist fight, and colorful pillows thrown on the floor; I think a little TLC is in order. Worse case scenario it may be suffering with abandonment issues: in that case intense therapy. I'm just glad to be home.

I'm back home more in love with Jesus. I think I fall more in love with Him everyday. I had such a wonderful time with my friends. I was treated like royalty, like the daughter of the King. Because I am the daughter of the King. Jesus said go home and tell your family how much the Lord has done for you and how merciful He has been to you. I don't know where to start. I spent time in St. Augustine from there I, from there I sit by the pool in Ormond by the Sea. Then to Daytona Beach where I spent my time overlooking the ocean. I walked on my friend's pier where we watched the dolphins swim. From there I was treated to a weekend at a Boca Raton resort. We had massages, drank high price coffee and had breakfast on the deck. I spent one Friday night in Orlando at the Voice of the Apostles conference. I received gifts of jewelry, clothing, and electronic gadgets, but most of all I received the gift of love. I missed my friends. The Lord is so tender toward me. My sister-in-law said to me, "Your friends spoil you." I told her, "My Abba spoil me!" 

I'm back home full of the joy of the Lord. I have my instructions from Jesus. I know what I'm to do. I enjoyed my R&R time to get back to work. My family in the building need what I have to give. Back to ministry. First things first, tomorrow I clean my apartment.

Fearless

Trembling Faith

Zep 3:17  The LORD thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing. 

Zep 3:18  I will gather them that are sorrowful for the solemn assembly, who are of thee, to whom the reproach of it was a burden. 

Zep 3:19  Behold, at that time I will undo all that afflict thee: and I will save her that halted, and gather her that was driven out; and I will get them praise and fame in every land where they have been put to shame. 

I'm still in Florida. All of last week we have been nonstop moving. Last week my sister from Chattanooga came down for our annual Sisters Weekend. We spent much of our time in the pool, and on the beach. We laughed hysterically, looked at old photos and reminisced.  Sisters Weekend lasted a whole week. All was good until I went to Orlando with a friend of mine. When I came back my sisters were annoyed at my sister-in-law. My sister-in-law came down with me. She lives in Detroit. When I was in Detroit, I went to visit her and my brother. Their marriage is in tatters. She was in the bed crying her eyes out. I prayed for her and I asked her to come to Lexington with me to get away for awhile. She made it a week before my Florida trip.

She mostly slept at my place. I didn't mind. I know how my Abba works, it is his plan to bring salvation to my brother household(something I have been praying for for years). She came to the bible study and had a great time. She started calling the people who attend the study, my cute little family. They are my cute little family. Before I left Lexington to come to Florida, Abba spoke to me and said for me to bring her to Florida with me that He would save her there and she will go back and be a light that would bring salvation to her family. He kept His word as I knew he would. On the first Sunday in Florida we attended my sister Jill's church. Lena went up during a altar call, and right there in front of all present he filled her with his precious Holy Spirit. 

I cried, mainly because He never cease to amaze me, and another is because He loves us so much. He's so faithful with His promises. All He ask of us is to hear His voice and follow him. I heard Him and I followed Him, Lena heard and followed. Since then we have been working in my sister Jill ministry. They recently moved into a new building. We have been helping in the decorating, and flag making. Lena look like a new person. She's radiantly beautiful with the Spirit of the Most High God. I on the other hand can't stop crying. My tears are not tears of sadness, but tears of joy that words cannot express.

I also know how easily a infant christian can be wounded by older more experienced Christians. As soon as I heard my sisters complaints about Lena, I went into overprotective mother hen modus-operandi. As much as I love my sisters I must admit they still need Jesus to cook them a little longer in their love walk. I called a good friend of mine and asked her if we could stay at her place for a couple of days. I know it's not time for us to leave yet. Abba need to strengthen us a little more. He's been dealing with me on a number of issues. I left my sister's home quickly. I must protect my Abba's babies.

Since I left Michigan and even before I went. I struggled with trusting Him with my child and grandchildren. I had beggy prayers concerning them. On my first week in Michigan my three year old granddaughter( my twin) and I were in the yard "killing mushroom," (her words). The Lord spoke to me and asked me if she was precious to me. My whole heart said, YES. She's so sweet and precious to me. He said, "she's more precious to me." Still a few weeks later I begged Him to keep them safe. I had got to the point of worry over my babies, all of them. They are my greatest blessings and I have to trust my Father with them as I take care of His babies, because that's His promise to me. If I take care of His and He will take care of mine.

The other thing He dealt with me about is calling what I do a bible study. He told me to call it what it is- a Ministry. Every time I said ministry I would correct myself and say bible study. I didn't check myself and ask why I did that. He told me why since I've been in Florida. He say I haven't fully committed myself to His work and if I say ministry that means It will cost me something, and if I said bible study I can walk away or quit whenever I felt like it. He told me he desires my whole-heart and from now on I must say ministry. I know that's one reason I was sent here. He emptied me on purpose. Jesus said we must first count up the cost. My cross has been heavy. I first had to get through my good christian friends getting on me for not having a church home or covering. In their eyes I'm a ragamuffin vigilante. No way could God send me. I trust Abba with that too. He will let me know when and where to go. They feel that I need to be like them, and never leave the comfort of being a church member. I should only witness and bring souls to someone else to teach them. They have spent the last twenty or thirty years in discipleship. I dare to follow Jesus and went to make more disciples. I stepped outside the church doors to a dying word. I walked past their whispers and frowns. It's not the first time I have had to do that. That's part of the cost of following Jesus.

I did have a dream yesterday. I was praying and I suddenly felt too tired to do anything, but lay down. I tried to work in my sisters yard. I almost fell out. My legs felt like lead. I realized that when this has happened in prayer before it was Abba's way of getting past the noise and monkey chatter in my head. He wanted me to sleep so that He could tell me something. I finally laid down. I had a dream of a ministry and even a name of a women who is to help and cover me. During the time that I have been in Florida the church next door to the building I live in has decided that we have to come to the church to have our bible study. We can no longer take their table and chairs. I have been worried and my faith has been trembling or "halted" faith for a few months now. Sometimes Abba has to wrestle the trembling out of us. Love never fails. He doesn't want me to tremble with fear that He might not do what He has promised. Or to fear being a failure. He wants our trust to be for the mere fact that we know He's faithful.

One of my friends here in Florida gave me the above scripture. He sings over us. He even has promises for me with my halting faith.

Fearless

My Florida Adventure 2

It's been six days since I took off on my Florida Adventure. On adventures you should always expect the unexpected. Living with the Holy Spirit is like an adventure. I never know what He's going to do. I prayed for refreshing while I'm away from the bible study. Lately I have felt empty in the bible study. It's been harder and harder to separate myself from ministry.To be honest the time with my family was hard. I went back to my people tired and desperately in need of some R&R.  I have an excellent spiritual support team in Florida. I call them for prayer, encouragement and to just let off steam. Right now I need to be surrounded by them.
Not to mention my love for the ocean. The beach is my favorite place to pray; it's the place I go to reflect on how small I am and how big my God is. It's easy to put things in perspective when I see the vast blue of the ocean and the sky.

Yesterday on my adventure my friend Wendy daughter planned are day. Our day started early. The first thing on her agenda was a trip to Ripley's Believe It or Not museum in St Augustine. We had a ball. We sit on a big wooden chair called a Love Meter. As soon as you put two quarter (of course you have to pay to check your love meter) the chair started shaking, your whole body gets shaken. I started to laugh hysterically because it tickled me, Wendy  kept rubbing her nose with her thumb and index finger saying "I feel it in my nose," Lena sit straight up as if being somehow soothed, and said "This is nice." My love meter ended on Tease, Wendy's ended on Cold, and Lena ended with Passionate. After that we took pictures with creepy looking wax figures. I took a picture with Alligator man. Some guy that hunted alligators and had a plate of false teeth made of gator teeth. Some of the things were creepy some very cool art work, like dresses made of news paper or jelly bean art and an all candy portrait of Elvis. The tour took us about two hours. We laughed the whole time. We had our hands dipped in hot wax and impression made from them.

After the tour we took a ride on the red train around the ST Augustine. We even went to the fountain of youth. There we met The Senator; a 600 year old oak. I thought I could probably use a small sip out of the fountain, but before I could get to it my eyes sighted one of the 35 peacocks that guard the area of the fountain. It's was magnificent in color and form. It never opened it's wing yet I was captivated by it's beauty. I figured the fountain was more myth than fact. It's just to many elderly people in St, Augustine. St Augustine brags of being the oldest continually occupied European city in the nation. It also boast of much bloodshed, We went on a daytime tour and a ghost tour at night. All most everywhere we stood we were told of some horrible battle or slaughter and how we were standing on once blood drenched ground. That felt creeping and weird and I couldn't help but wonder if like Abel whose brother Cain slew their blood was crying out from the ground. Each story made me sad. The story of the native Americans, the African slaves the French Huguenots. So much bloodshed in such a small place. Don't get me wrong it was a small rather quaint town, full of history and I loved the little shops and the horse and carriage rides, and all the little bed and breakfast. It also has some of the best restaurants, and the beach is huge.

However, the history only reminded me of the history of our nation, a history of hatred, injustice and vicious cruelty. So I started to pray and repent for all the innocent bloodshed of our nation. Not only on our soil, but the soil of many nations. America needs to repent.We need to fast and pray and turn to God with our whole heart. I disliked walking on ground someone else bled and died on. But it's there to remind us of that dark side of our nation. The side we overlook when we call ourselves a Christian nation. The side that stink in God's nostril. Despite the fact that I spent a great deal of my time praying we still had a great time in St. Augustine.
Fearless

My Florida Adventure

I'm in Florida. I have spent a couple of days getting reacquainted with the beach. I met up with one of my dearest friends Wendy. She moved from Florida to Boston a year before I left Florida. She visited me right before I was leaving to moved to Lexington. We sit at a restaurant named The Ocean Deck. On the Door it says. "No Ragamuffins or Cry Babies." I would have missed the fact that I wasn't allowed, being both ragamuffin and cry baby, but Wendy stopped me from entering. She looked at me and pointed to the sign and said, "Carlean you're not allowed." I told her it was blatant discrimination, I threaten to call a lawyer and sue. They must have heard my threat from the other side of the doors, because I got in without any trouble. The Maitre D laughed at me when I expressed my displeasure when he was seating us. Our favorite spot has always been the deck overlooking the Atlantic ocean. On the deck we usually eat coconut shrimp and a drink mojitos or margaritas. Abba said not to be drunk I don't think he begrudges us a drink. If you know you can't take a drink without getting drunk it's probably best not to touch it. Wendy always says, "We have a good life, don't we?" I will say."The best."

She live in an apartment on the beach in Boston. The day of the Boston Marathon bombing she called me before I could call her to let me know she's alright. Her friendship is one of the greatest blessing of my life. I love her like a sister. So, when she called and asked me to meet her in Florida. I did, even though my resources are limited and I have no idea when and how I will get home. My sister in law Lena is with me. Her and my brother are having problems at home. She needed to get away from her situation and breath. Her funds are limited as well. I told her and Wendy we're going top rename our trip. It's not a vacation. On vacation you plan ahead for lounging/sights to see/things to do. I call our trip an adventure and a faith trip. So far it has been great. We're camped out at Wendy's daughters home. They had a condo build in St. Augustine. It's beautiful. They have taken us to the best restaurants and to the beach. It's day four and we're really tried and old. Wendy has been sick and even though we talk on a regular basis, she has failed to tell me. I asked her why didn't she tell me she's sick,she said she didn't want to worry me. I don't know why it is that when we get sick we feel the need to protect the mental health of our love ones. I told her I would be fine, but I need to know what to pray for concerning her.

One of her daughters has a whole long day planned for us tomorrow, which include a trip to Ripley"s Believe it or not, a train ride, a zipline across a crocodile pond (which I adamantly refuse to do) and several other adventures. I don't have a clue what's going to happen. I do know we're off to a great start. Faith is blind and sometimes a whole lot of fun. Wendy and I just want to sit on the deck of the beach and reflex on how awesome our life is.

Fearless
(ziplining across crocodiles is foolish NOT Fearless)

My Wonderful Friends

Proverbs 17:17

Easy-to-Read Version (ERV)

17 A friend loves you all the time, but a brother was born to help in times of trouble.

I don't know if this happens to anyone else but, I sometimes wake with the Lord teaching me. Some of the lessons are long, some others short. I sometimes write what He says, but most time I'm still half sleep. I once told Him that He should wait until I'm fully awake, because I probably won't remember what He said. He told me it would come back when I needed it. Well, yesterday He was teaching me about love and friendship.

I have many friends. Friends from all walks of life. I have friends that are rich, friends that are poor, friends that are educated and uneducated. I have artsy friends and writer friends. I have friends that have disabilities and friends that help the disabled. Friends that are doctors, nurses and teachers. I have friends that are lawyers and factory worker. I have friend that use a whole lot of words to say very little. I have friends that say a whole lot with very little words. Each of my friends are different than me. The Lord told me that most people stick to friends that they have a lot in common with. He said people like to be around what is familiar to them. Most don't want to be stretched. It's easy to love those that are like-minded. Each of my friends are unique and wonderful.

However, it takes something of you to love those that are different. It takes kindness and patience to deal with those whom you don't normally associate. I once read that everything you do or learn in life is for the will and purpose of God. There are no coincidences in life. Last year while dealing with my nephew Kamau after his brain injury I went on the internet to learn words in sign language. I did it because Kamau was persistent. If he wanted something he would ask for it relentlessly. He refused to take no for an answer. Because what he asked for was NEVER conducive to his recovery. I would stick to what I said, which was mostly NO! although he would keep asking. So I decided one day to learn sign language, because I told Kamau I thought he must have problems with his hearing. I started with the word no, but I thought it was pretty funny so I would learn new words everyday. Kamau would laugh and learn sign with me. It was mostly a joke between us.

Recently a guy that lost his ability to hear in a school bus accident at age 14 has started coming to the bible study. His speech is slurred and unrecognizable. He can read lips, but he lost his glasses and it's difficult for him to read lips without them. He came to me after the study to communicate. I talked to him in broken sign language. However, I understood him better then anyone else. Those around me looked to me to interpret. What is amazing is I actually could. Somethings he had to repeat, but a lot I knew. All because I one day I wanted to make a point with my nephew. I wish I could say I learned sign for reasons other than the reason I chose. Although, my learning sign may have been for less than noble reasons, it was still God's will for me to learn.

God takes people of all color shape and size and make them family. His family. I never know what new challenges I may face, I do know that I am already equipped for each new challenge. I also know nothing is wasted in the kingdom of God, and there truly are no coincidences, only divine appointments and Abba wanting to stretch our love. I can't imagine living in a silent world or being ostracized because of it. My new friend faces these challenges everyday Yet he's upbeat and optimistic. He showed me how to sign I love God and I have Jesus in my heart. He's been kind and sweet to me. Even though our ability to communicate is limited by my inability to understand. I have found a new friend and brother in Christ. I have watched Him show the love of Christ in his actions and deeds, and truly I feel blessed to have met him.

Fearless

Righteous Right Hand

Isaiah 41:10

21st Century King James Version (KJ21)

10 fear thou not, for I am with thee; be not dismayed, for I am thy God. I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of My righteousness.

Several Years ago Abba spoke this scripture to me. I have always battled fear, even when He told me I had courage. I could never see myself as a person with courage. It's not easy to follow Jesus sometimes. I seem to always find myself making the difficult decision between obeying him or appeasing man. I used to be the worse kind of people-pleaser. I had a bad habit of apologizing to everyone that disliked or found-fault in me. I struggled with wanting to be accepted since my childhood. It started at home with my own siblings. It was easy to beat me down verbally. I have always been sensitive to others feeling. I couldn't deliberately verbally wound my siblings. I have lost many verbal disagreement. It was easy to make me the villain. I accepted the role without question. Like any abused person I believed it was my fault. That somehow I could be a better person.

Imagine my surprise every time Abba takes my side. Which is most every time someone comes up against me. Him the God of all of creation justifies me. Me, the one that justice alluded for most of my life. I still have to fight believing the lies spoken against me. I have to refuse to be that abused little girl. I have had to stop apologizing for being who Abba made me. It not always easy. If you hear negative words long enough, you'll start believing them.

I recently went through a very trying time with someone close to me. During the time I first learned of it I heard the Lord speak to me, "I have your back." I said to myself, "What now?!" I just want my life to be simple. I want to love and be loved. Jesus didn't say that the world would love us. On the contrary He said the world would hate us. Even though the person profess to be a Christian, her devotion is questionable at times. I'm not judging, trust me I can't judge anyone. I can judge others behavior though, how else can you know them by their fruit?

Abba told me what to do in the situation, but I hesitated, mainly because I was concerned what someone (another person involved) would think of me. For three or four days the Holy Spirit nudged me. I finally gave in. The one small seemingly insufficient thing changed the course of the situation. Even though all the hounds of hell seemed to be unleashed against me. I was lied on, talked about, things were said to discredit me. I was yelled at and told that I shouldn't have done the very thing I was instructed by the Holy Spirit to do. Although I knew better I, as I often do started to question my actions. Was I "Out of order?" 

I had to repent for not being obedient those first few days. I know I wasn't obeying the voice of my God. I was more concerned with the comfort of my flesh. Abba told me I should always, bring those thought captive. Anytime you hesitate or tell yourself "this can't be Abba, it must be me." to avoid uncomfortable confrontation or rejection, it's the voice of your flesh. Abba already knew what would happen. He had also already let me know He was on my side. I like that He speaks to me in a language the ghetto girl that I am understands. "I have your back." It means, I'm on your side and I won't let any enemy jump you from the behind or overtake you. It means He's faithful. He upholds me with the right hand of His righteousness. I'm still find the thought of being so completely loved unbelievable. Me, the one that everybody else rejected, being accepted, not only accepted, but desired. I'm the apple of His eye and that knowledge fills my eyes with tears.

When Abba speaks a word to you, hold on to it for dear life. He's faithful to do exactly what He promises(Over and over). He knows we can be fearful, uncertain. He's not worried. He will never lose control. He can get through all those thoughts that scream at us from our past. He told me I was more honorable than the other person. Me, honorable in the sight of My God. Who would have thought it?

Fearless

The Voice of God

John 10:2-5

Common English Bible (CEB)

2 The one who enters through the gate is the shepherd of the sheep. 3 The guard at the gate opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. 4 Whenever he has gathered all of his sheep, he goes before them and they follow him, because they know his voice. 5 They won’t follow a stranger but will run away because they don’t know the stranger’s voice.”

I had a great day today. I had a great time with the Lord. I had a wonderful time in prayer. Then I taught tonight. I had a full house. I spoke on hearing God's voice, again. Everyone was receptive and I could tell the Spirit of the living God was flowing through me. The Lord asked me to teach them to hear his voice. The first thing I asked them if they could hear from God. Of course you know all hands went up. I love this crowd though I know they're mostly carnal. I also know God's people have a hard time hearing from him outside of reading their bible. How do I know that?...I have been told by numerous believers. I know someone in the crowd wasn't being truthful. How do I know that? God asked me to teach His people how to hear his voice. Either He's confused or they're lying. I will venture to say they are lying since He's not the author of confusion.

I spoke on their need to get quite before the Lord. Just give him time to respond to their prayers. I asked them to turn off the television and anything that would distract from their time with the Lord. You would have thought I said swear words to them. Some of them come to me or call me and speak about television programs and characters as if I know them or care what is going on with them. I want to shout, "It not real, they're not real and I don't have a clue who you're talking about!" 

I don't. I just listen and respond as politely as possible in my ignorance.

Mainly because I know most of the people in the building look to the television for company. Most are lonely and don't have much family. We have become family to each other. I don't watch television very often. I will have coffee with one woman in the building each morning. I watch until my coffee is gone. I did watch Dancing with the Stars last season, for the first time ever. I watched it to be a friend to one of the women. She's a real sweetie and she's unable to do much because of her physical limitation. I watch television mainly to keep her company when her loneliness overwhelmed her. 

When I do watch television I am somewhat taken aback by what I see. Do we not have ANY censors? 

I was not asking them to throw away their televisions. I just asked them to learn how to discern his voice from the voice of their flesh and the voice of the enemy. I asked them when was the last time they just spent time with Him, just because you love Him. Anyone you love you spend as much time with them as possible. I am totally in love with Him and I have to get past the monkey chatter and clutter of my brain, before I can hear His voice. They're a reason He says to seek Him with our whole hearts. It's can be a struggle to crucify the flesh. However what you feed will grow. I made a choice to feed my spirit man. I still struggle with the little foxes of distractions. The flesh doesn't want to die, and the enemy doesn't want us to hear from our Abba. Our spirit man knows our God. Let feed our spirit the word of God. Lets be still and know that He is God. He wants to be Lord over every area of our lives. Socially, physically, relational, etc. Everything that concerns you. He said in ALL our ways acknowledge Him, and he will direct our path.

After bible study a few of them came up to me and said, "That was some good teaching." 

Wow, I'm scared!

Fearless

Twenty Five things about me

Okay, I have been asked on several occasions, via Facebook, message and email to write 25 things you didn't know about me.

1) I had a large collection of beanie babies for years.
2) I have slept in a twin bed since my husband died fourteen years ago.
3) I have a latex allergy and had to wear vinyl gloves even in surgeries
4) I never won a beauty contest, but I won a Halloween ugly contest
5) On my 23rd birthday I drank three long island ice teas and entered a wet tee shirt contest
6) I won a wet tee shirt contest on my 23rd birthday.
7) I wear socks to bed.
8) I buy pajamas and snuggle up in the bed when my faith is being tested. I call them faith pajamas
9) I own a lot of faith pajamas
10) The first boy that ever told me he loved me was drunk when he said it.
11) The last man that told me he loved me was drunk when he said it.
12) I rock when I eat.
13) I can play the cup song with or without a cup.
14) The beach makes me ridiculously happy.
15) I like Jacuzzi's better than swimming pools.
16) My family used to call me Ceedie Sally.
17) My name means strong and Father sees in Hebrew.
18) I'm obsessed with the color purple and always have been.
19) I detest the taste of tap water.
20) I like my own company.
21) I use to sleepwalk as a child.
22) My favorite book as a child was The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran
23) I have a keen sense of smell.
24) I sit with my legs folded Indian style.
25) I hate trying to think of 25 things about myself

Chasing Fireflies

I'm back in my apartment in Kentucky. The first thing I noticed about my apartment is how clean it is. I left feeling as if it needed cleaning. Not only was it clean; it was empty. Not because I lack furniture, I have furniture now. It's really beautiful but, empty of my children and grandchildren. There are no skinny love hungry arms wrapped around me. No chubby little toddler reaching to sit in my lap. My arms are empty. I never noticed the hollowness of my apartment before. I'm suffering with separation anxiety. I need my grandbabies and they need me.

 The day before I was to leave a friend of over thirty years made an observation concerning me. He said I have never had that great love or real love. He proceeded to tell me of his aunt who found happiness and love at the age seventy-five. I said I never give that much thought. I have accepted being single without any loneliness or longing. I am content being a minister, friend, sister, grandmother, daughter and mother. I have many people to love, but like any seed that you water (thought on to much) it started to take root.  By the time I got home to my empty, obsessively clean apartment, I had become (in my thoughts) a big love loser. The ugly duckling, undesirable one. It didn't help that my sister posted on her Facebook status that God has put a Godly man in her life. My sister has been married four times and has been in and out of relationships. I'm concerned about her with every new relationship, and each broken covenant. She once said I'm just jealous because no one wanted me, one of my other sister said the same thing to me a few times. I really was concerned for their souls. Do those who love me see something I don't see? Men do flirt with me, I just don't want to dishonor myself or my God. I spent the early years of my life looking for love in all the wrong places. I came to realize, it was always Jesus love that I was missing.

With that being said, I have been soul searching all day. What broke inside of me when my friend said I have never been loved? Why did my sisters hurtful remarks come back to haunt me? Why did I feel like such a loser? I have been perfectly happy loving my grandbabies, mom and children. I didn't feel loved starved or deprived. However, It didn't help that my sister is working on husband number five. I feel suddenly overwhelmed. My son's family is falling apart. He kept asking me to stay and help him fix it. Me, the master of problem solving and relationship fixing could not help him. He is causing the problem, but not intentionally. He works out of town and when he finally come home he spends his time with his friends drinking until he's obnoxious. He told me he doesn't know how to change and he tried and can't. I can't fix his problem. I can't kiss his booboo and make the pain go away. He asked me why God is always sending me to help other people and not my family. The only answer I had was, "I'm here now."

  My granddaughter asked me every night to go outside with her to catch fireflies. The problem is that there's a limited supply of fireflies in Detroit. With each failed attempt she would cry. She's ten years old, I thought her reaction was too over-the-top. I asked her what's wrong? She put her little arms around me and said, "grandma why do my mom and dad fight so much?" She went on to tell me about a vicious argument where he threatened to hit her mom. She told me she was scared and didn't go into the room even though her mom called for her. When her dad left without actual physical violence she went to her mom and asked her if she was okay. Her mom in her pain told her to "get out," she didn't try to help when she called. A year later she's still devastated by the whole incident. She said, "they don't love me." In a way we all struggle with feeling unloved one time or another. We chase our own elusive fireflies. When she said that I thought of how easy it is for a child her age to feel unloved. I thought about me at her age.

I was nine or ten the year I started chasing fireflies. I lived in Lawrenceburg Kentucky with my great aunt and uncle and their teenage daughter. My dad had been sent to prison a year or so before. One day my aunt and uncle came to town. My sibling and I were all called into the living room of my grandmother's house. I remember getting chose or feeling like I was picked out of the crowd. Like the wild awkward puppy that's to adorable to pass up. Not long after that I was told I was going to visit with them for awhile.I had never been away from my mother or sibling before. I was scared and felt awkward and unsure of them. I think my only saving grace was my cousin Sheila their daughter. She was beautiful and I loved her. I followed her around like a puppy. I wanted to look like her and act like her. I was the sad little puppy begging for love.

In Lawrenceburg the fireflies were plenty. I caught them by the dozen, but like my granddaughter I cried for those elusive fireflies. I didn't know why I was sent away, why my mom and dad just didn't love or want me anymore. I acted out and misbehaved. Aunt Maude didn't spare the rod, but she did hold me when the fireflies got away. She had a way of helping through my rejection, fear and anxiety. She always knew what to say to catch those slippery fireflies. I held my grand baby and reassured her she is loved. I caught those slippery fireflies. I thought about Aunt Maude a lot while I was with my granddaughter. I am the same age aunt Maude was back then. She was my second mother and I miss her. I can only pray to be what she was to me, to my granddaughter. I told my granddaughter about her. Mainly because of her influence I am the woman I am today. I just didn't know it until recently. I think those shifty fireflies of rejection flew past me today, but now I know that I am loved. I am beloved.

God gave me a scripture to pray regarding my son. Proverbs 11:21 Though they join hand to hand, the wicked shall not be unpunished: but the descendants of the righteous shall be delivered. 

Fearless

I have been in Michigan for about a month. I was planning to come this weekend and spend a couple of weeks with my grandchildren. I never intended to come as early as I did. The decision was made to come earlier, with a three o'clock AM call from my crying hysterically mother. I can think of nothing worse then to hear my mother crying, though I may have caused her many tears. I know it's bad news, I could hear my heartbeat as I waited for her to be able to tell me what had happened. I kept saying what's wrong mama? After a few more heart-wrenching sobs, she said, Janet died! Her last sister and the one she has always been closest to. This is the second sister she lost this year and the fourth in three years. She said, "I have buried my whole family." I can only imagine the depth of her pain. I couldn't find words to comfort her, so I spoke the first thought that came to my head, "It's not your whole family." I regretted those words as soon as they came out of my mouth. I know my words sounded selfish, shallow and uncaring. I did care, I cared deeply I just didn't know how to comfort her from such a distance. I wanted to hug her; to hold her in my arms the way she did me whenever I needed comforting. Hugs doesn't require proper words or sound for that matter just the closeness of someone that loves you.

So, I came the next day. I find out right before I come to Michigan that my mother has hurt her back and has been on a bedpan for a week. I talk to her several times a week, she never mention her injury to me. Slowly our rolls are reversing. I always heard this would happen, I just didn't think it would be so soon. I have four sisters, but I think I have always been the one being prepped for caregiver. That's okay with me, I love my mother. I came in took charge(even over my brothers with much protest). Within the first week I had her back on her feet. I held her at the funeral, she cried loud and from her heart. I cried with her, there were no words..none were needed.

Fearless