My Cardboard Box

I'm home from a long stay in Michigan taking care of my sick mother. I don't mind traveling. I have been doing a lot of that lately. Mostly because I had begun to hate my apartment building. It's starting to look rundown and unkept. Most of the older women have either moved or died. The new tenants are men, mostly veterans fro Vietnam. Don't get me wrong I love our soldiers and I appreciate what they did for us-I really do. I just don't like the way some of them flirt and a couple of them look scary. Scary as in, don't ride on the elevator alone with them or you may become a statistic.

I know the old adage "You can't judge a book by its cover," but I was warned about them and their behavior before I saw them. A few of my neighbors warned me not to be friendly and invite them to the bible study because they have been involved in some pretty unsavory and questionable behavior. I don't like gossip and I don't like having formed an opinion on someone based on something that someone else said, but I hate to be told not to invite someone to meet Jesus.

So even though they flirt with toothless grins and might be or not be involved in drugs, bringing prostitutes in the building and may even murder me in an elevator; I was friendly and invited them to the bible study. I realized that is why I'm in the building, and why I'm in Lexington. Although I felt as if I did the right thing, my heart wasn't right. I was scared and a more than a little discussed with living here.

So I lived away for awhile.

I lived at my mom's house, I visited my best friend since childhood Joy's house. I lived out of my suitcase a lot. I was comfortable sometimes and sometimes not. I had no time for me. I wrote with clatter and friction. I learned to obey others rules. I made myself useful and available. To be honest I'm just not used to that.

My apartment is home to me. When I returned I was so glad to see it in all of it's purple glory. It's neat and clean, and it's mine. My neighbors don't knock a lot anymore. I have peace and serenity. When I returned God reminded me of a promise I made to him fifteen years ago. I promised him that I would live in a cardboard box if He was with me. I let fear and subtle intimidation and dirty hallway carpet usurp my promise to Him. The apostle Paul said he's knows what it is to be in need and what it is to have plenty and he learned how to be content in all things. He said he can do all things through Christ who gives him strength.

Today I'm content in my cardboard box.

Fearless

The Awakening by Sonny Carroll

The Awakening Sonny Carroll There comes a time in your life when you finally get it ... When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out "ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on." And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world from a new perspective. ..........This is your awakening.

You realize that it is time to stop hoping and waiting for something or someone to change, or for happiness safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that there aren't always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you. Then a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

So you begin making your way through the "reality of today" rather than holding out for the "promise of tomorrow." You realize that much of who you are and the way you navigate through life is, in great part, a result of all the social conditioning you've received over the course of a lifetime. And you begin to sift through all the nonsense you were taught about :

- how you should look and how much you should weigh,
- what you should wear and where you should shop,
- where you should live or what type of car you should drive,
- who you should sleep with and how you should behave,
- who you should marry and why you should stay,
- the importance of bearing children or what you owe your family,

Slowly you begin to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin re-assessing and re-defining who you are and what you really believe in. And you begin to discard the doctrines you have outgrown, or should never have practiced to begin with.

You accept the fact that you are not perfect ,and that not everyone will love appreciate or approve of who or what you are... and that's OK... they are entitled to their own views and opinions. And, you come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a "perfect 10".... Or a perfect human being for that matter... and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head or agonizing over how you compare. And, you take a long look at yourself in the mirror and you make a promise to give yourself the same unconditional love and support you give so freely to others. Then a sense of confidence is born of self-approval.

And, you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" hungry for your next fix, a new dress, another pair of shoes or looks of approval and admiration from family, friends or even strangers who pass by. Then you discover that it is truly in "giving" that we receive, and that the joy and abundance you seek grows out of the giving. And you recognize the importance of "creating" and "contributing" rather than "obtaining" and "accumulating."

And you give thanks for the simple things you've been blessed with, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about - a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, the freedom of choice and the opportunity to pursue your own dreams.

And you begin to love and to care for yourself. You stop engaging in self-destructive behaviors, including participating in dysfunctional relationships. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and exercising. And because you've learned that fatigue drains the spirit and creates doubt and fear, you give yourself permission to rest. And just as food is fuel for the body, laughter is fuel for the spirit and so you make it a point to create time for play.

Then you learn about love and relationships - how to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk away. And you allow only the hands of a lover who truly loves and respects you to glorify you with his touch. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say, intentionally or unintentionally, and that not everyone will always come through... and interestingly enough, it's not always about you. So, you stop lashing out and pointing fingers or looking to place blame for the things that were done to you or weren't done for you. And you learn to keep your Ego in check and to acknowledge and redirect the destructive emotions it spawns - anger, jealousy and resentment.

You learn how to say "I was wrong" and to forgive people for their own human frailties. You learn to build bridges instead of walls and about the healing power of love as it is expressed through a kind word, a warm smile or a friendly gesture. And, at the same time, you eliminate any relationships that are hurtful or fail to uplift and edify you. You stop working so hard at smoothing things over and setting your needs aside. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right to want or expect certain things. And you learn the importance of communicating your needs with confidence and grace. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that eventually martyrs are burned at the stake. Then you learn to distinguish between guilt, and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to Say NO. You learn that you don't know all the answers, it's not your job to save the world and that sometimes you just need to Let Go.

Moreover, you learn to look at people as they really are and not as you would want them to be, and you are careful not to project your neediness or insecurities onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love and relationships, and that that not everyone can always love you the way you would want them to. So you stop appraising your worth by the measure of love you are given. And suddenly you realize that it's wrong to demand that someone live their life or sacrifice their dreams just to serve your needs, ease your insecurities, or meet "your" standards and expectations. You learn that the only love worth giving and receiving is the love that is given freely without conditions or limitations. And you learn what it means to love. So you stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that "alone" does not mean "lonely" and you begin to discover the joy of spending time "with yourself" and "on yourself." Then you discover the greatest and most fulfilling love you will ever know - Self Love. And so it comes to pass that, through understanding, your heart heals; and now all new things are possible.

Moving along, you begin to avoid Toxic people and conversations. And you stop wasting time and energy rehashing your situation with family and friends. You learn that talk doesn't change things and that unrequited wishes can only serve to keep you trapped in the past. So you stop lamenting over what could or should have been and you make a decision to leave the past behind. Then you begin to invest your time and energy to affect positive change. You take a personal inventory of all your strengths and weaknesses and the areas you need to improve in order to move ahead, you set your goals and map out a plan of action to see things through.

You learn that life isn't always fair and you don't always get what you think you deserve, and you stop personalizing every loss or disappointment. You learn to accept that sometimes bad things happen to good people and that these things are not an act of God... but merely a random act of fate.

And you stop looking for guarantees, because you've learned that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected and that whatever happens, you'll learn to deal with it. And you learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time - FEAR itself.  So you learn to step right into and through your fears, because to give into fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. You learn that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophesy and you learn to go after what you want and not to squander your life living under a cloud of indecision or feelings of impending doom.

Then, YOU LEARN ABOUT MONEY... the personal power and independence it brings and the options it creates. And you recognize the necessity to create your own personal wealth. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart's desire. And a sense of power is born of self-reliance. And you live with honor and integrity because you know that these principles are not the outdated ideals of a by-gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build your life. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful opportunity and exciting possibility. Then you hang a wind chime outside your window to remind yourself what beauty there is in Simplicity.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you TAKE a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

A word about the Power of Prayer: In some of my darkest, most painful and frightening hours, I have prayed, not for the answers to my prayers or for material things, but for my "God" to help me find the strength, confidence and courage to persevere; to face each day and to do what I must do.

Remember this:- You are an expression of the almighty. The spirit of God resides within you and moves through you. Open your heart, speak to that spirit and it will heal and empower you.
My "God" has never failed me.

Warrior Prayer

2 Chronicles 7:14World English Bible (WEB)

14 if my people, who are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.

My prayer life has been off lately, to say the least. I've been praying, but not like I know how to do. I use to write my prayer. I use to come out of prayer renewed and refreshed, now I say a quick prayer to Abba as if we were strangers passing on a busy street. It didn't take me long to crash and burn.

I spent the weekend at my best friend since childhood home. I slept all of Saturday. She didn't disturb me. One thing about getting in a quiet place you will hear the voice of God. He told me to get back to a place of real prayer. I left my mother's house Friday with the worse attitude. I was sick of some of the people around me. They started treating me as if I were their maid. I like things tidy, they don't care. I think some of them perfer mess. When they started asking me to get them water or make them a sandwich, I had it!

Last year I came here to visit my mom and before I left I kind of snapped on them. By kind of I mean I pulled out pepper spray and a stun gun and I told them to get out and never come back. I think my attitude scared them all. It scared me. I don't know why this group can knock me off my square, I do know they can do it. I don't want to be the crazy lady that goes off on my family to get them to do the right thing. All I want to do is make sure my mom's house is a peaceful place.

I didn't say anything when I left but "I don't know when I'm coming back." I refuse to look at them and when I did I could see fear on their faces, "who pissed off the crazy lady."They started cleaning without saying a word. I left anyway. I needed to rest in Christ before the crazy lady decided to make an appearence. I'm not that person and I refuse to allow anyone to take my joy and peace from me.

Once I was well rested, Abba spoke. He said I must always take a Sabbath rest day and I must start warrior prayers for my family. I started praying like I use to. I can take at least a hour a day and give myself to prayer. Other then that my fresh will have its way. That crazy lady is only my flesh. I feel my connection with Abba back. I'm peaceful and loving toward my family. I prayed in earnest for them. I know my prayer are heard. I know He will save me and my household, because His word said He will.

I see my family members as puppets for the enemy with no control. I visualized the strings being cut in the spirit as I prayed. The only violence I need is to take my family by force and there's no greater force than the Holy Spirit. I prayed in the Spirit, I prayed in the natural. I called my prayer partner and we tore down demonic stronghold. Abba wants us to be dilligent in prayer.

Fearless

Following Christ

Matthew 19:28-30World English Bible (WEB)

28 Jesus said to them, “Most certainly I tell you that you who have followed me, in the regeneration when the Son of Man will sit on the throne of his glory, you also will sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. 29 Everyone who has left houses, or brothers, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name’s sake, will receive one hundred times, and will inherit eternal life. 30 But many will be last who are first; and first who are last.

I remember when I was first told to leave Michigan. My first three grandchildren were toddlers. I fit my work schedule around them so that I would have three days a week with them. I love them so much. When Jesus told me to forsake all others and leave them I cried. My mom got manipulative and angry that I was leaving, my son just got angry. I left anyway. Jesus has the last say.

Now more than a decade later I'm sent back. My mom is still manipulative. She tries to guilt me into whatever she desire me to do. I have grown up in Christ, though. I have watched over His lamb and His sheep. I know when I'm being manipulated and I will call it out. I will never disrespect my mom, however, I told her she would make the perfect Jewish mom trying to guilt trip me will no longer work. That always stop her.

My son is another story. He tries to manipulate with anger. He never got over the fact that I cut those apron strings. Lately, we talked about it. He finally got it out of His system. He said, "mama all I ever wanted was you, I use sit in the window waiting for you to come home." A lot of the time I didn't. I told him I'm sorry, I was too messed up as a young woman. I love him and I always have. He really did deserve a full-time mom. Since then I have watched a transformation in him. I have been apologizing to him for thirty years, but he never told his side of the story. Maybe he thought I couldn't handle his truth. I knew it, I caused it.

The rest of my family in Michigan can be a hand full. I never saw people as mean and entitled in one family. Except in the family of Christ. I don't know how many times I've said to Jesus, I can't with them, not my family. He told me His family is the same way and He puts up with them. Ouch.

I love my family, but they are worrying my mom. She has a baby brother my same age. She's really like a mother to him and he and I grew up together. He acts like he's twelve. He's a diabetic who refuse to do right. I had to take him to the hospital the other day. The doctor said he was stroke and coma level, his kidneys are failing and he has to get himself together. I left the hospital in tears. The next day he left the hospital against medical advice. He walked to my cousin house without a coat and still disorientated. When he made it here last night I told him, "I shed my last tear for you and if you want to die, make your peace with Jesus. I want to collect insurance. I will not pass the hat for you." He laughed, but I'm serious.

I have to stay focused in the midst of chaos. I never thought I would have to follow Christ back to my family, it's different with this group of misfits, our is it?

Fearless

Lost My Friend

Revelation 14:13New King James Version (NKJV)

13 Then I heard a voice from heaven saying to me, “Write: ‘Blessed are the dead who die in the Lord from now on.’”

“Yes,” says the Spirit, “that they may rest from their labors, and their works follow them.”

I lost my friend Evelyn today. I can't believe she's gone. One of the ladies from the ministry called me this morning and told me that Evelyn was rushed to the hospital with back pain. I know she suffers from sciatica. I didn't think much of it. I made a mental note to call her when I had a moment. I had a thought to call her yesterday and didn't.

The apartment manager called me crying a few hours later. She told me Evelyn didn't make it. It took me a minute to focus. She mentioned Evelyn son, and sisters. I thought she just wanted them to know that she was rushed to the hospital. Then she said, "she didn't make it."

I haven't talked much on the phone lately, mostly because I don't have much free time. It's been over a week since I talked to Evelyn and we never go that long without a conversation. I have just been so busy. Usually, before someone leaves me I know it, but this one seriously caught me off guard.

I can't imagine life in Lexington without my friend. We went out to dinner at least twice a month. We shopped together, we prayed together, we talked about Jesus, she introduced me to other ministers in Lexington, we lived in the same building and she was a regular at the bible study. She was a minister, sister and friend.

Every time someone close to me dies I feel this strange void. No one can take their place. Something good ended and life will never be the same. I don't grieve like I use to when I know they died in Christ. I still grieve, I grieve for her only son, I grieve for her sisters and I grieve for me. I can't believe she's gone and I'm so far away. Evelyn, time here is over, she's resting from her labor. I'll see her again on the other side.

 A few days ago one of our neighbors called me to tell me it was a blizzard going on in Lexington, it's unseasonably warm in Michigan. I asked Abba why he chose this day to call Evelyn to rest. I pray for her only son. I have one son and I know how much that only son loves his mama. Our son's use to act just alike. Her son's name is Jaime and my son's name is Jason. They're two weeks a part in age. We called them brother from another mother. We had never met anyone with a son so much like each others son.

I can't imagine what he must be going through right now. I prayed for him and I just went and hugged my son. I'm going to miss my friend, but her son is probably devastated. The tears are flowing freely down my face, I have to go.

Fearless

Unending Love

1 Corinthians 13:8Worldwide English (New Testament) (WE)

8 Love never ends. The gift of speaking words from God will end. The gift of speaking in different tongues or languages will stop. The gift of knowing many things will end.

Abba had a nice long conversation with me regarding my love walk. In the last few years, there have been people around me and in my family that have been very cruel or backbiting, mean and vicious toward me. I thought I had let it go. Their cruelty is not in the forefront of my mind. However, Abba let me know that it has left unforgiveness in my heart. Just when I thought I have repented and now I'm good. He shines His light in yet another dark area in my life. I told Abba to shine the light on all the dark places in my heart. My heart really is deceitful and wicked like the scripture says.

Today, I yield my heart completely to His Holy Spirit. I don't want anything standing in the way of my love for Him. There's not a person in the world worth losing Him for. I prayed and He showed me who I had problems forgiving. I prayed in earnest for both of them. Abba told me, love, never end/fail. If He is love that means He never fails. It doesn't matter what people do to you.

My heart is so soft right now for those two people that I prayed with tears in my eyes for them. He's so good to me. There's nothing about me that He doesn't desire. He even accept my sinful heart, all we have to do is stop being self-righteous and tell the truth. He uses our confessions to change us. As long as we refuse to bring our mess to Him, is how long we stay in it. He desires an eternity with us. He died for us to bring our raggedy heart to Him. He said His new covenant was writing His Law in our heart. His love really is endless, regardless of our failure, pain or disaster. His love is eternal.

Fearless 

Law Of Kindness

Proverbs 31:26New King James Version (NKJV)

26 She opens her mouth with wisdom,
And on her tongue is the law of kindness.

I'm from a family of people that make fun of everything. Nothing is beyond their ability to make a joke out of. They can also be vicious gossips or just plain mean. I have always been too sensitive for this lot. They thought my soft heart was a weakness that needed to be laughed at or at least toughened up.

They have always been meaner to me than anyone else in the family. Lately, it's getting worse. I have a brother and my mom's baby brother who is my age that is really awful. They visit every day. When they visit they cook or eat. They always leave a mess, talk about my cooking, make jokes that I realize aren't funny they are mean. I try to cook enough for my mom to have leftovers. They said she never eats, she always ask me for seconds. I'm not saying that I'm the best cook, but I know that I am a good cook. However, I have never gotten anything from the male in my family but ridicule.

Every time I come to town I realize my brother is angry at me. He says I think I'm the boss over them.What it is is that I stop their foolishness toward my mom and have them help her, paint her home, mow her lawn, clean her basement etc. My one brother is so vicious toward me that he uses social media to express his hatefulness. I love my brother but I have been away from my family so long that I can see them for what they are truly doing. They are users, and verbally abusive. I have a very comical family, but some of them use humor to hurt. He's one of them.

Yesterday, he and I went to the grocery store for my mom. He grabbed the money and walked away before I could get to mom. She asked me to get her money from him because he will spend ten of her dollars on himself. I asked her why she gave it to him. She said he took it when she pulled it out. I knew it was going to be a problem. I told him that I was doing the meal planning and I know what is needed. I could feel the tension. However, I left him no choice. He gave me the money and the list.

On our way in he made a statement about mom not trusting me because of my past drug use. I told him I didn't live in the past and the one thing I don't allow in my life is someone holding me hostage to my past. I'm no longer the person that made mistakes in my twenties. And at my worst I never stole anything from anybody. I told him that she said she can't trust people in her life now, and I hope he's not one of them. I asked him what was his problem with me really because we don't live in a thirty year past. I need to know what I have done to offend him because I never meant to do that and we need to resolve this issue.

I always speak with kindness to my family. My son accused me of, looking and waiting to say something wise to him. I do that because I have to wait until I can get across to him what is needed to be said. I see Abba doing a work on my family. I just sometimes wish I didn't have to fight so hard to get the truth of God's word across to them.

I know I haven't been a perfect person. They don't know if they wanted to bring my imperfection to the surface they really don't have to reach that far back. I do love Abba and I boldly go to His throne of grace. The law of kindness is his law. The word for law in Proverb 31:26 is Torah which is God's teachings. The word for kindness is, Kindness toward God first, goodness, mercy, faithfulness, reproof, etc.

When confronted with his behavior, my brother went on the defensive. I told him, I only came to help. His behavior is making me feel a little bitter toward him. I had to go to God and asked him to give me the grace to walk in love toward my own family. Today all those bad feelings are gone. Abba told me when he sent me back to my family I would be a light. Even Jesus had a problem with his fleshly family and neighbors. He said a prophet is not without honor except in his own household and with his own family. The one thing I am used to is rejection, but so is Jesus.

I prayed and I heard the words of Proverb 31:26. My lesson on opening my mouth with wisdom and my tongue being the law of kindness. It doesn't matter if the unruly tongues of my family spit out bitter words. I have to open mine with wisdom and kindness.

Fearless

Seeking His Kingdom

Matthew 6:33Worldwide English (New Testament) (WE)

33 `Work first for God's kingdom and what he calls good. Then you will have all these things also.

I started a new blog because Abba asked me to. I know I have not been faithful to this one, but apparently he's not concerned with that as much as I am. The new blog is about being a caregiver to my mom. Once again he told me to tell the truth, to give Him all of my weakness and He will give me His grace.

To be absolutely honest I don't like telling the truth on myself. I would much rather put on the mask of self-righteousness. Even when I'm finished preaching I always wonder what people think of me for disclosing all my unrighteous truth. However, I tell it anyway because He asked me to. Sometimes I have the begging conversation with Him. They usually go like this, "How will I help anyone by letting them know what a mess I am? That's embarrassing to tell." Heads-up, begging will not help, and you will find no peace until it's done.

So I tell my truth with the breastplate of His righteousness because He grace is sufficient and His forgiveness is always available as long as we forgive others, and turn from our wickedness. It's really not as hard and deep as we make it.

So now, He told me to write on both blogs, write the novel and take care of my mom's household and a couple of other things without murmuring and complaining. Which by the way, I constantly have to repent for. I didn't realize I had become such a complainer. I have always disliked complainers. I have had many friends whose phone call I had stopped taking because they were always whining.

Yesterday He told me to seek His Kingdom first, and all the things I have in my heart will be added until me. I got up this morning and I did just that. I made Him first in my thoughts. I gave Him the rightful place in my life. He gave me the ending of my novel.

I'm learning how to divide my time wisely and I have a pretty good flow going with my mom's needs. I'm loving this learning process and look forward to the rest of my journey.

Fearless 

Flowing With My Prayer

Proverbs 31:29-31New King James Version (NKJV)

29 “Many daughters have done well,
But you excel them all.”
30 Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing,
But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.
31 Give her of the fruit of her hands,
And let her own works praise her in the gates.

I'm in Michigan, a couple of months ago my mom got a cancer diagnosis. I had just come back from a cruise to Jamaica, Cayman Island, and Mexico. I got the call from her at the airport on my way home. Her doctor had told me he suspected she may have cancer but he was waiting on solid proof, another test result. He also let me know if it was true there's nothing that can be done for her. She insisted that I go on the cruise and she lied and told me the test was negative. I begged God not to take my mama, I still need her, I'm just a kid.

The airport is a weird place to get bad news. It hard to break down in a crowd of strangers. So you muster up all the strength in you and fight tears. There's no private place to cry so you silently slip into a bathroom stall and hope no one noticed the loud sniffing sound coming from your stall or the red-eyed woman emerging. I was with my oldest sister who was way calmer than I was. She had on her poker face. I don't own a poker face. My feeling has always been transparently obvious.Two days later I was in Michigan, sleepless and anxious. As soon as my sister Jill saw me she suggested I get some pills for anxiety. That was kind of funny to me, apparently I looked like I felt. I'm mentally unbalanced and unable to focus. The part that Jill didn't understand is that she had that exact same look on her face. I was trying to get her to lie down and rest and she was doing the same for me, except she wanted to use drugs on me. I was too far gone for a nap.

I went back home for a few weeks and now I'm back. At the same time, I'm trying to complete the task of writing a novel. Now I'm back in Michigan and I realize my mama is demanding, surly and not above-using guilt tactic to make sure she get all of my attention. It reminded me so much of how my grandmother treated her when she was sick before she died. I love my mother with everything in me, however, I'm not used to having to cater to someone else, especially to the very person that is being manipulative, complaining, and refusing me time to myself. Every time I think I have her together enough to sit and write or read on how to put this business together, she calls my name. "I didn't fill her ice cup totally, her pillow feels crooked, find something she lost, hand her the remote control, etc, etc. But the truth of the matter is, "whatever you do please don't leave my sight." The other night I went to help my childhood best-friend(who just moved) to unpack. My mama refused to eat or speak to me for hours when I returned.

  A few years ago I was reading Proverbs 31, and like I often do, I asked Abba to make me a Proverb 31 woman. Of course with all the teaching I've ever heard or read on the subject, it consisted of being celibate as a single woman and waiting on this godly man. Cool, no problem I can do this. Needless to say, I struggled. I failed miserably for a short while. However, by his grace, I had finally gotten that part together, or so I thought (that's another story). 
Lately, I have started to feel irritated at my mama. I don't want to feel that way, I want to be the person who selflessly sit by my mama's side with never an unkind thought. I want to be the person in my head when I made the decision to come here. Not the person that I'm becoming. I'm getting resentful in my thoughts, which is just as dishonoring as if I expressed them verbally to her in an unkind manner. Abba reads our thoughts, as well as our hearts. So, once again I have to give him the real me in prayer. Prayers that say please help me to honor my mama, she's getting on my nerves. I want to love her the way He requests but I can't without His grace.

He told me I requested to be a Proverb 31 woman and she look well into her household, brought a vineyard, perceived that her merchandise was good. I really read what I asked for, and I thought to myself. "Once again I didn't realize what I prayed for." Sometimes I feel tricked into asking for something. However, I know that it's His will for me. He told me He was answering my prayers. I read her candle doesn't go out at night, and she rise early to take care of her household. So she keeps long hours. She dresses up in linen and purple. Sells merchandise she made with her hands. The one thing she didn't do is eat the bread of idleness. I have to flow with my prayer and wait for Abba to do the rest. I disabled my Facebook since I only used it as idle time. I got rid of all that distracted me, and I'm looking carefully into how to utilized my time wisely and I thank God for allowing me to take care of my much-loved mama in her time of need.

Fearless

Wilderness Experience

Hosea 2:14World English Bible (WEB)

14 “Therefore behold, I will allure her,
    and bring her into the wilderness,
    and speak tenderly to her.

I'm in desperate need of a wilderness experience with God. I've done things he asked me not to do. Mostly out of frustration and impatience. I thought I was an extremely patient person. I can be, sometimes with people and their foolishness. However lately I have not been.

I have deliberately started stupid fights. I don't know how to be in a real relationship. It's still easier for me to run. I haven't retired my running shoes yet. Now I'm emotionally eating pumpkin bread smothered in butter. I know I should apologize, but isn't that saying, I'm wrong? God told me many years ago to give up my right to be right.

I desperately cling to it though I have no peace. I beg God for forgiveness and at the same time enlist the aid of my sisters and friends to validate my reasoning. I know I wronged someone I love dearly, yet I'm too embarrassed and ashame to admit it to him. God showed me in a dream a week or two before I showed off, that I was going to do it. I was going to say hurtful things. I did it anyway. Before and after the dream.

I know what Paul means now when he said, Oh wretched man that I am. In my case women. When I asked for forgiveness from God He told me to ask him to forgive me. It's been three days and I still haven't. I feel like I just need to be alone with God in the wilderness. The person had said some hurtful things to me in the past and I won't let it go.

Not being able to forgive is an awful sin that steals your peace. Even when I think I forgave I look for stupid reason to pounce like a lioness. I'm ashamed of myself and scared. Lord have mercy on me and give me the grace to forgive with my heart and not my head.

Floating out of control...
Fearless