I have been in Michigan for about a month. I was planning to come this weekend and spend a couple of weeks with my grandchildren. I never intended to come as early as I did. The decision was made to come earlier, with a three o'clock AM call from my crying hysterically mother. I can think of nothing worse then to hear my mother crying, though I may have caused her many tears. I know it's bad news, I could hear my heartbeat as I waited for her to be able to tell me what had happened. I kept saying what's wrong mama? After a few more heart-wrenching sobs, she said, Janet died! Her last sister and the one she has always been closest to. This is the second sister she lost this year and the fourth in three years. She said, "I have buried my whole family." I can only imagine the depth of her pain. I couldn't find words to comfort her, so I spoke the first thought that came to my head, "It's not your whole family." I regretted those words as soon as they came out of my mouth. I know my words sounded selfish, shallow and uncaring. I did care, I cared deeply I just didn't know how to comfort her from such a distance. I wanted to hug her; to hold her in my arms the way she did me whenever I needed comforting. Hugs doesn't require proper words or sound for that matter just the closeness of someone that loves you.

So, I came the next day. I find out right before I come to Michigan that my mother has hurt her back and has been on a bedpan for a week. I talk to her several times a week, she never mention her injury to me. Slowly our rolls are reversing. I always heard this would happen, I just didn't think it would be so soon. I have four sisters, but I think I have always been the one being prepped for caregiver. That's okay with me, I love my mother. I came in took charge(even over my brothers with much protest). Within the first week I had her back on her feet. I held her at the funeral, she cried loud and from her heart. I cried with her, there were no words..none were needed.

Fearless

Never Forsaken

Hebrews 13:5

Common English Bible (CEB)

⁵ Your way of life should be free from the love of money, and you should be content with what you have. After all, he has said, I will never leave you or forsake you.

Yesterday after writing in my prayer journal I decided to take a prayer walk. The one thing that was on my mind was personal ambition. I guess personal ambition is on my mind because, my sister Jill called me from Florida. Her and my friend Robbin just moved into new homes. Expensive new homes. Jill and her husband are starting a new business. Robbin is expanding her dental practice and is about to open another office. They are excited and can't wait for me to visit. They're arguing over whom I will stay with when I get there. Jill asked me what it is I want, because Abba was blessing them so. The question took me back. I couldn't think of anything, but I want to do His will. I want to be in His good, perfect and pleasing will.

That kind of made me wonder when my mindset changed. I used to go from one thing to another trying to figure out what it is I wanted from this life. I no longer have any personal ambition? Does He want me to have it? I find that I am content. I no longer feel the need to look into the future or own the best. That never really worked for me, plus it made me miss experiencing the moment I was in. Now, I wake each day happy; to have another day and to have people to love and to be loved. I tell my sister Claudia, "This is the best day EVER." I was riding in my brother in laws car listening to old Motown songs. Just enjoying the moment, the company and life. I realized that's what life is all about; moments of contentment and fellowship.

Don't get me wrong I haven't dropped out of society, but I have dropped out of the rat race. Things are no longer important to me, however people are. Most of the things I purchased in the past were not for me at all, but a pretense of a level of success for others to see. It was a lonely empty sham. I was always preoccupied with with trying to obtain the thing that would satisfy me. I was always disappointed and empty. It was always Jesus I desired. I just didn't always know it was Him.

I know I am suppose to write a book. I know that because Jesus asked me will I write for Him. I said yes I will do anything for you. I had second and third thoughts about it since then. Mostly fear, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of rejection and criticism. Now that I get all of that on a regular basis, I no longer have anything to fear. I realize that even writing isn't a personal ambition. I do want to be a yielded instrument in Abba hand, but that's after many years of running from His call. I never wanted to teach, preach or anything that would put me in front of people. I still struggle with shyness, although people tell me they can't tell when they hear me public speak. I can tell-it takes a good five minutes for my voice to stop cracking from nervousness. 

I'm glad I finally have found contentment in life. It's only the Holy Spirit that helped me to accomplish that. I do wonder if I have hid some secret desire of my heart. I know Abba knows, I just wish I did. I do know I'm not forsaken. That's enough for this moment.

Fearless

No Greater Love

John 15:12-13

Common English Bible (CEB)

¹² This is my commandment: love each other just as I have loved you. ¹³ No one has greater love than to give up one’s life for one’s friends.

The last few days have been rough with a capital R. The guy who told me the story of watching his mom murdered, and being raped in the orphanage had a major relapse. He was drunk and unruly for five days. I probably wouldn't have noticed if he would have stayed in his apartment, but he knocked on my door at least twenty times a day. It stared on Wednesday and ended last night; with me taking his beer and vodka from him.

When he knocked on my door most of the time he left before I could get to the door. He left a gift of food behind each time. A package of hamburger, a bag of canned goods, package of microwave popcorn, chicken etc. I didn't know who was leaving me food, and wonder if someone in the building heard I was starving. Which I'm not, on the contrary I can afford to miss a few meals. I asked one of my neighbors that happened to be passing by, as I stood in the doorway with a gallon of milk in my hands completely perplexed. He told me who had just walked away from my door.

I walked to the guys apartment and asked him to please stop giving me all his food, or I will feel compelled to cook to make sure he had something to eat. I don't mind feeding him the word of God, but I haven't cooked much since my husband's death and my son grew up. I can eat a hotpocket and feed my whole family. I know this might sound lazy, but I don't have a problem with it. I cook when I have a taste for something special or once or twice a week on a good week.He insisted that I keep it, because "You prayed for me, and anyone that prays for me can have anything I own."

He's one of the nicest people I have ever met, but one of the most broken. I grew up with an alcoholic/drug addicted father. I have had my own struggles in the past. I know first hand the hopelessness and pain, but I also know the chaos. It got worse and worse too. One day I thought he was sober enough to go to the market...big mistake! He seemed to have gotten drunker by the minute in the backseat of my brother-in-law's car. I probably wouldn't have taken him with us, but he was about to get in a cab to the market, and he asked to ride with us. He refused to shop, got lost, and I had to rescue him from two burly cops. That was day three. It got worse. One day he knocked on my door soaking wet, he said, "sis, I took a bath."I said, "In your clothes?" He assured me that was the best way to do it, as he could wash his clothes at the same time.

During the most chaotic moments I prayed. I prayed because I started to remind myself of that little girl that picked her daddy up from the front lawn. She was always scared, disappointed and ashamed. This time the only missing emotion for me was the shame. However it was very apparent that he was ashamed, he kept apologizing. He cried and felt as if he disappointed Abba, me and a few others in the building that call him friend. I assured him the only person he disappointed is himself.

Eight years ago Jesus called me his friend, the day before the council meeting that I was suppose to get, "beat-up" at, as I was studying the word I heard the Spirit say, people have to watch how they treat my friends. I didn't think He was talking about me since He mention what happened to people who came against Moses. I thought to myself, "He once called me His friend, but that was eight years ago. Mostly I thought of my many failures in the last eight years, surely I'm no longer His friend. A couple of days later He asked me why I try to put Him in time. Eight years is a long time to me, but nothing to Him. That was His way of letting me know I'm still His friend, and to remind me He lives in the eternal. I have a puny way of seeing things sometimes. Yesterday, when I thought I would lose the last remaining patient I possess with the guy, Jesus said to me, No greater love has anyone that they lay down there life for a friend.

I guess I have always thought that scripture was referring to Jesus sacrifice, which it was, but the word is always a two-edged sword. I went back and reread it. Jesus told the disciples he no longer called them servants, but He now call them friend. I didn't lose patience, I did however take the booze from the guy. Through all I had to endure in the last few days, I did have an opportunity to minister to the guy. He broke a few times and told me some of the things that has happened to him. He cried, but he tried not to. I told him to get it out, he has held other people sin to long. He finally said, "I was just a kid why wouldn't anyone love me?"

Today the Holy Spirit let me know that I'm the first person he has told most of his story to. I pray that his soul is liberated from the awfulness of his past. I think fifty years is long enough to hold it. I pray that I will learn when to be there, when to pull back, when to speak and when to listen. The guy told me the reason he told me his story is, because I'm holy and loving. I'm always amazed at how others view me. It's not like I don't tell my story in the bible study. I'm so far from holy, and I'm just learning how to love.

During these last few weeks, I have had several melt-downs. I cried to Abba, "these people are in bad shape they need healing and deliverance. I told him I'm not qualified he should get someone else. He told me it's His work, and to yield to Him. I wrote a long-winded, crybaby email to my pastors wife. They moved to Israel a few years ago. She wrote back several times even though she was in flight back to Israel from Florida. She said I was pastor to the people at the bible study. I think that scared me more then anything I have dealt with recently. I don't mind the thought of running a bible study. It feel more flexible. I can stop and leave at anytime. I can quit without notice, give up, throw in the towel. I never replied to her last email, nor did I pray about it.  I guess I should encourage the souls from the bible study to find a nice church to attend. I did at first, but many are church hurt. One woman when I first met her she said, " I hate it when people try to force religion on me." She's one of the most faithful and loving.

I guess we are all grasping in dark murky waters looking for a lifeline. We need each other. We have to go from being a bench warmer in the church to a friend of Jesus, and His friends lay down their lives for Him, because He laid down his life for his friends.

Fearless

Fill up the Lack

Colossians 1:24

New King James Version (NKJV)

²⁴ I now rejoice in my sufferings for you, and fill up in my flesh what is lacking in the afflictions of Christ, for the sake of His body, which is the church,

The council members had our emergency meeting today, the regular people didn't show up. We had members that haven't participated since I've been secretary. People that the nosy lady can control. It was an awful attack on me, subtle and vicious. Mostly by the nosy lady. She slipped up at the end by telling a big woman that is battling cancer, that she glad she didn't "beat anyone up at the meeting." I had prayed before the meeting so I held my dignity. One of the women she got to come to the meeting is a dear sweet lady that gave me a set of dishes when I first moved in, another comes to the bible study regularly, both were really late for the meeting and trying to appease her without offending me, the other (the big lady fighting cancer) she actually did the same, but said more then the others. I took notes, made a suggestion that we should have an annual cook-out on one of the summer holidays for the residents that don't have family. Ms. Nosy veto it with the most hateful look one can imagine. Still I held my peace. Before long the meeting was over.

I walked back to my apartment, a little hurt and kind of mad. I was mad at that last comment, "beat anyone up." Of course my flesh wanted to challenged her to try it, but I don't walk after the flesh, but I walk in the Spirit. I tried to make a phone call to talk about my accusers but my phone hung up, I want to say by accident, but I know who hung it up. I just said, okay, I'm bringing it to you. I prayed some more. Then I walked to the guys who told me about his sisters being raped at the orphanage. I had an overwhelming urge to go pray for him. He was drinking vodka and having real issues. He told me he was raped too. I have known that since the day Jesus told me about all the pee-stained mattresses he sit and cried on. The guy also told me he watched his mother murdered by a boyfriend for catching the guy molesting her eight year old daughter. My heart broke for him, I prayed with him and left. By the time I got back to my apartment I couldn't feel anger for any of them. All I could feel is the suffering I felt the day Jesus told me about their past. All I have in me is His love.

I think I finally understand what Paul is saying in Colossians 1:24 I understand the suffering, I know mine is small compared to Paul's and really small compared to Jesus's, but at the same time it's not small, because I feel His pain. It's intense and I feel it in the pit of my stomach. This is the actually the third time this pain has happened to me. Once, when I had to minster to a group of street women. His love and pain for them was so intense I spent the night crying in a fetal position. The next time it was after I wrote the story of being raped, he told me he's going to use that story to set many free. I spent three days in that fetal position. My friend Melodie visited me during that time. She told me it's a blessing, because I was "travailing." She said she wish she could feel it. At that point I wished the same thing, anybody but me. It didn't feel like a blessing at that time. The third was a couple of weeks ago concerning the people in the building. It's not easy to share in His suffering, but that's the only way we can reign with him.

I did go to nosy lady's apartment to give my resignation from the council. I just don't need the aggravation. Ms Nosy has the spirit of the mean girl or bully. I confronted it head-on. She cried and denied everything. I told her I was not angry, I'm just not for childish games. She went on to try to combat what I was saying by complimenting me, like the pharisees did Jesus. I wasn't having it, I called that demon for what it is. I asked if I could pray, all the time I was praying she was making petitions for Abba to tell me she was not guilty of what I said (she did), she screamed loud with tears, It was sad and awful. I hugged her and told her I love her, I really do. I didn't resign, only because Abba told me not to during the prayer. I did things Jesus's way. I had something against her so I went to her. She came up against God and lost. I know it wasn't me. I think I may have finally gotten it right, but not without a whole lot of help from the Holy Spirit. It's His work, I'm just a vessel, a big glob of clay being molded by the Potter. I do rejoice in my suffering it's what makes us beautiful.

I walked downstairs and yet another women from the bible study, whose not apart of the council came to me and asked how the meeting went. She has never asked me anything about the meetings or taken any interest in them. Apparently she had heard of the conspiracy against me. I told her it went well. Truly all is well.

Fearless

Preparing To Be Maligned

Last week the Holy Spirit spoke to me and said, "prepare to be maligned." I thought to myself, oh no! To be honest I'm not really good at being lied on and talked about. By not good I mean, I defend myself and get hurt feelings. I have been known to get feisty and mean too. Not to mention the way I call my mother, sisters and friends and trash the gossipers. Talk about a group of sharped tongued, quick-witted, vicious women. They make the gossipers sound like saints. I usually take comfort in the way my love ones defend and affirm me. It usually works for at least a minute or two, as soon as I hang up the phone the hurt in the pit of my stomach returns and I fight the back the tears-or not. However Abba wants me to bypass my calls and come to him with my pain. I know that's the right thing to do, but I sometimes have a hard time doing the right thing, No matter how many time He tells me it's him they are coming against,s it still feels like me. I'm such a crybaby sometimes.

My sister Claudia told me I have to develop tougher skin. She also advised me against the kind of verbal attacks that wound the gossiper. That don't seem fair! But I know she's right. I have to always remember that everyone that I come in contact with is a person Jesus died for and I'm His ambassador. I have to give up my right to be right and let him fight my battles. He once stopped me in the middle of my smart-ass defense and verbal insult that my quick-witted, genetic and environmental rearing afford me. As soon as I open my mouth Jesus said, " I never uttered a word." I know immediately that He didn't want me to defend myself, because He never defended Himself. I was predisposed to being a total smart-ass, but I shut up mid sentence.

As a young child of seven or eight after my dad went to prison, I thought I needed to be more grown up. I had to protect my mama from the neighborhood creeps that were always hitting on her. There was this one guy that was particularly annoying. He was considered a neighborhood good guy, but I knew he had bad intentions. He was always knocking with offerings of food, rides or any type of help he thought we needed. To say I despised him would be an understatement. One particular day during one of his many futile attempts at winning my mama heart, she had gotten really annoyed. I asked if she wanted me to get rid of him for her, she said, "yes." Me, never one to miss an opportunity to misbehave legally asked, "can I curse?" She must have really been annoyed that day, because she said "yes." Boy oh boy did I let him have it. "What the hell do you want? Why are you always knocking on our door? My mama not here! and if she was she don't want you, your buckets of chicken or anything else you have, now get your ass away from our door." My mama gave me a disapproving look, but not before I caught a twinkle of laughter in her eyes. My brothers and sisters were laughing hysterically. After that day I was unofficially declared the household smart ass. My job was to get rid of all annoying communicators whether it was would be suitors or bill collectors. I took my job seriously, although I was never allowed to say bad words again.

It's been years that Abba has worked on me to unlearn these crazy behavior patterns. Not long after that day I was sent to live in Kentucky with my great-aunt Maude, uncle Charles and my all time best big sister/cousin Sheila. They lived in a small quiet country town. Everyone knew each other, most went to church on Sunday. Sheila played the piano at church aunt Maude attended regularly. I was probably quiet and sweet the first few days, I have always been mostly shy, but it didn't take long for the hell-raising me to come out of hiding. Aunt Maude had no problem taking the strap to the backside of that little hell-raiser. I never got spanked for what I did, it was always something out-of-line that I said. I wasn't used to spanking as I never did anything I was told not to, but I was always allowed to say whatever came to mind. Years later aunt Maude told me some of the things I said, I was mortified. Despite the spankings I was loved by my new family, and because of aunt Maude I meet Jesus for the first time. He's been trying to keep that hell-raiser in check every since. I pray that during this maligning that I get it right, and realize that they really did do the same to Jesus, and it's not me, but the fact that I teach the unadulterated gospel that drives the talkers desire to discredit me.

The talking has started, one woman that has an IQ of 65 per her, called me stupid at least 3 times that I heard. The nosy lady is mad at me for changing the council annual memorial day yard sale until the first of June, I just thought it would be better to wait until the mostly senior and disabled people get a check in case they want to purchase anything, and for the neighborhood folk to not be busy doing other things on the holiday. She has called me twice in the last couple of days being completely nice-nasty. I'm almost certain she's bad-mouthing me. There's no telling who else is talking about me. I'm surrounded by wounded and hurting people, unfortunately wounded birds will peck you no matter how you love them. I just don't want to be ever found guilty of wounding them more. I just want to set my face like a flint, and look to Jesus the author and finisher of my faith. I want to love despite the ridicule and rejection.

Fearless

PS not defending myself is not one of my strong suits.

Comforted

Mat 5:4  Blessed are they that mourn! For they shall be comforted. 

I'm amazed at how fast the bible study is growing. I have fallen hopelessly in love with every toothless, wrinkled or weather-worn face. I have been teaching on the ministry of the Holy Spirit. I pray each of them receive this awesome gift Abba will freely given, to all who ask. I'm leaning more about these precious souls that Abba has trusted in my care this season. One guy told his story, he was raised in a Catholic orphanage, him and his three sisters, he said all of his sisters were raped. He said it was a horror story for all of them. He found it hard to believe in Jesus. One drunk night he stumbled into a tent revival and Jesus touched him, not only touched him, but filled him with His Holy Spirit. His brokenness lead him back to drinking. Yet he shows up sober, which might be his only sober day of the week.

The self-proclaimed devil's advocate said she was raped at the age of eleven. She didn't go any further with her story. I could see the raw pain in her face, though she sort of took on an attitude of bravado. She told this story to me when we were having lunch together one day.

One nice sweet lady told me she was kidnapped by a man she had befriended several months prior to his kidnapping her. He beat her black and blue and she managed to get away by jumping down a steep flight of stairs. If the assault was sexual too, she left that part out. 

One lady was beat and strangled by a husband that sexually assaulted her ten year old daughter by a previous relationship.

While they are telling me the stories, I look them in their eyes and tell them I'm sorry that they were treated so badly. I tell them they deserved to be loved and honored, and truly they do, but when I'm alone with Jesus, when no one is there to peek into my soul. I cry for their innocence being stolen, their trust being broken. I cry to Jesus to heal them, I cry to the Holy Spirit to comfort them, I cry to Abba redeem them.

When Jesus wanted to set me free from the pain of being raped, he told me to ask Him where He was when it happened. Finally He told me He was on that piss stained mattress with me crying. I wonder how many piss stained mattresses has he had to sit on crying. Jesus said He was there for each one of them and He held them even though they didn't know He was there. He saw it all, every detail no matter how small.

One day soon He going to wipe all the tears from our eyes. This time we will know He's there wiping our tears, that He's with us, and loves us, and has always loved us. 

Today I cry with Him.

Fearless

High Things

2Cor 10:4  For the weapons of our warfare are not fleshly, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds,
2Cor 10:5  pulling down imaginations and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought into the obedience of Christ;

Lately the Holy Spirit has been teaching me about strongholds. Of course me being the detail needing-question asking person I've always been. I looked up the word stronghold in the Thayer Greek Definitions Dictionary, I sometimes like their definition better than Strong Dictionary, that's just my own personal preference. This is their definition:  

ochurōma

Thayer Definition:

1) a castle, stronghold, fortress, fastness

2) anything on which one relies

2a) of the arguments and reasonings by which a disputant endeavours to fortify his opinion and defend it against his opponent.

It's basically a belief or system of beliefs that we hold on to, argue about, reason, hold ourselves prisoner to, rely on, and refuse to give up even though it exalts itself over the knowledge of God. I asked Abba to show me how strongholds work. I fell asleep soon after asking Him to show me how stronghold work. This is what I dreamed.

 I was with a friend and I went shopping for tools to build my house. I went to the mall three times and each time I got a new tool. I was the proud owner of brand new tools to build me a house. Each new tools was perfect to me. I had begun to work on my house when all of sudden I had a strong urge to do drugs. I knew the thoughts were crazy and harmful, but the desire was so strong I decided to look for drugs. Now me being an ex drug user I knew how dangerous the desires were, but still I wanted it. I realized I didn't know anyone that knew where to get drugs, so I went back to people I knew that still used drugs. My friend was with me and He keep trying to reason with me, but I keep telling Him I would only do drugs once and I could handle it. The thought of using drugs began to consume me. The more I reasoned the more I desired. Finally my friend gave me drugs. As soon as I did the drugs I realized I didn't want them nor did I need them. My friend asked me if I was happy now that I had drugs, I said, No. He asked what I would do now, and why did I do the drugs? I didn't have a physical need for drugs. I said get more drugs, He asked me with what? Since I didn't have anything accept my tools. I told him I would sale my tools. Then I woke up.

This is what I got out of the dream. As long as I believe there was something I needed or as long as I reasoned/ relied on and desired things that were no good for me, I would give in to my belief system. The tools were the things I truly need in order to live godly. I noticed how it was three tools, I think that represented the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit and/or Grace, The Blood of Jesus and Keys to the Kingdom. Lately I have asked about healing and deliverance. My friend was Jesus, he allowed me to have what I wanted because I refused His wisdom. Yet, he never left me, however giving into those desires would cost me everything I need to build my house. I would willingly give up my tools.

 Why is the body of Christ sick and full of addictions and let's face it, demons? He said it's strongholds. Us refusing to let go of our ungodly beliefs. If you believe the doctors are wiser than the scriptures, then you will believe God is unable to heal. Some Christian will argue that depression is a real clinical problem instead of a soul issue. Don't get me wrong I know anyone suffering depression really feels that darkness and despair. I challenge the origin of it. If God promise joy, than were does despair come from? I remember hopelessness and despair it used to be my constant companions. But the stronger man came and set me free.

Jesus told it in the parable of the strong man and stronger man after the pharisees accused him of casting out demons by the power of Beelzebul. He said the stronger man must first bind the strong man and take his spoil. The stronger man is IN us. He gave us the Keys, whatever we bind on earth is bound in heaven. Why can't we hold that truth? God is who he says He is. There is only two kind of people in this world, believers and nonbelievers. I believe he can heal, I believe he can deliver, I believe my sins are covered, I believe that greater works shall I do. It's time to renounce all those strongholds that make us rely on the world and the ways of the world for anything. It's not in a job, a doctor, wisdom of this world-which is foolishness to God or self-reliance. Our lives are in His hands. I asked God to make me a fool for Him like Paul and Peter. I didn't realize that meant going against the core of what we have come to believe. He told me if I would believe His word he will show me great and wonderful things. Dare to believe with me. Forget about the past, where you may have believed for someone's healing and they died or any unanswered prayer. Dare to believe He heals the sick and raises the dead, cast out demons, and saves the lost. Get rid of those strongholds that exalts itself over the knowledge of God.

Get over those high things. Dare to arise in the power and authority He has given us. Don't sale your tools for something that has no substance.

Fearless

All Things

1Cor 9:19  For though I am free from all, yet I have made myself servant to all, so that I might gain the more.
1Cor 9:20  And to the Jews I became as a Jew, so that I might gain the Jews. To those who are under the Law, I became as under the Law, so that I might gain those who are under the Law.
1Cor 9:21  To those who are outside Law, I became as outside Law (not being outside law to God, but under the Law to Christ), so that I might gain those who are outside Law.
1Cor 9:22  To the weak I became as the weak, so that I might gain the weak. I am made all things to all men, so that I might by all means save some.
1Co 9:23  And this I do for the sake of the gospel, so that I might be partaker of it with you.

The bible study is growing. It quickly went from twelve to sixteen even though a couple of people moved out the building. I have always been an introvert, shy, quiet and a loner. My sisters and brothers understand this about me. Not the people in the building. I had so many calls and knocks on my door today. It's not that I don't love them, I'm just not used so much company. I don't own a television or anything that could distract from my social awkwardness. I offer all I have, a snack, a cold drink and Jesus. Lots of Jesus.

I have somehow turned into a mediator, confidant, problem solver, the one who rebukes and chastises, a mother, an up-lifter, spiritual leader, and a friend of the sinner. It's happening so fast. Yet I realize it not I, but Christ that lives in me. I just wanted time alone with Jesus today. He wanted me too. He always wants me. He said, "Don't try to answer every call or you will get weary, teach them to depend on Me." It's Him they want. It's always Him we want, even when we don't know it. I'm not upset that they come to me looking for Him. I want to share Him. I want them to know the love that fills me to overflowing. I want them to taste an see. May be then they will understand my need to be alone with Him.

The come to me, the lame, elderly and mentally handicap, they come to me on oxygen or reeking of stale alcohol and cigarettes. I hug, I rebuke, I offer a cold drink, a snack, Jesus and love.

Fearless

Driving Out the Mocker

Pro 22:10  Drive out a mocker, and conflict will leave. Quarreling and abuse will stop.

My biggest critic came back to the bible study. It has been so peaceful without her. Everyone shares and participates. To be honest it has been joyful, everyone has been so sweet and respectful to one another. The glory of the Lord has rested over us. Then the self proclaimed devil's advocate showed up after a month. I felt a heaviness over the meeting, the people that usually laugh and share the most were quiet or half sharing. I could tell they did feel safe enough to openly share their struggles. These are people who normally over share.

I have been really distracted, slack in prayer and study. In others words I have been the disciple without discipline. I have however master several games on Facebook. I have grieved the Holy Spirit, how I know is I feel it in my belly. I told Abba that I know he wants my time and attention, but I didn't feel like praying. Prayer seemed impossible or tedious to me. I sometimes wonder why it's not a puff of smoke were I used to be. His grace really is without merit, and His love is endless. He told me the more of my real self I give Him the more of Himself He will give me. I get afraid that He going to get me for sure for some o the things I've told Him. Those our the times he sets me free from my bondage to sin. He's faithfully even when I'm not. That makes me love Him even more.

Okay, back to the mocker, even though I have been totally out of order I didn't want anymore chaos or opposition in the bible study. So I was searching through YouTube one day and I see this scripture that I hadn't thought about in years, so I wanted to hear what the YouTuber had to say, well she spoke on casing out or not dealing with the mocker. However it wasn't for a bible study, it was just in general, mostly saying don't allow anyone to abuse you. I thought to myself, "Yeah, she has verbally abused me I can cast her out, because it's in the word of God". I called my mama so I could run it by her. She told me I can't do that. I had to sit on my hands so I wouldn't hang up on her. I'm a respectful daughter so I listened to her. I gave her my best argument of why I should, I quoted the scripture, but she refused to listen.

I prayed, I mean really prayed. I prayed because I needed to. I prayed because I had to, but finally as I prayed it turned into because I want to. I realized that there is another proverb that would best describe the self proclaimed devil's advocate in my life. Proverb 27:17 As iron sharpens iron so does one person sharpen another. I actually need her in the bible study mainly because without her I didn't give them my best. And worse then that, I didn't give Abba my best. I know my best is always found on my knees with tears and supplication.

I thought I had escaped any backlash from her between bible studies. HA! She got me after the resident council meeting. First she told me she didn't like the fact that everyone was talking in the bible study, especially since I have such a hard time explaining the scripture. I didn't let her know that I had gotten a few complaints against her. I just looked her in the eyes and said, you know God can heal you of your breathing problem. She looked shocked and I walked away wondering if I chose the right proverb.

Fearless

Looking beyond what I see

Isaiah 45:22

New King James Version (NKJV)

²² “Look to Me, and be saved,
All you ends of the earth!
For I am God, and there is no other.

I know I haven't been here in for a few weeks. I've busy and not so busy. I have sought Abba face and hid from him at the same time. I have come to a deeper understanding of my nature of sin. Any righteousness I thought I possessed has been stripped from me. That filthy rag I waved like a banner has been snatched out of my left hand. I stand empty handed and in tears.

Those so called big sins-fornication, swearing, adultery, drunkenness, lying, etc-are not bigger than any other sin; they're just easier to spot. It's the little foxes that spoil the vine. It's arrogance, spiritual pride, bitterness, people-pleasing, and looking to myself that tries to steal the truth from my heart. They're subtle sins and secret faults. Since I started this new bible study, I have heard from Abba faithfully as to what he want me to teach on. As I type up the lesson; somethings I try to deleted, thinking (in all my people-pleasing) it will cause offense. The things I taught on has caused offense and I have been told off, disliked, looked on as if I was judging them, and told what I should teach. Little do my accusers know that as He gives me the words I'm the first to have to repent. I type with tears in my eyes not only for them but, for me as well. I realize it is never a light matter to teach His word and I can't lean unto my own understanding. The first thing He told me is not to lean unto my own understanding. I went out and bought a little silver ring with that scripture inscribed on it so that I could have a reminder of that fact.

Even as I tried not to offend and deleted scripture, He told me, "Put it back!"  For some reason I was reminded of a super bowl commercial from a couple of years ago. This small child slapped this guy that came to his home to date his mother. The man reached and grabbed one of the child's Doritos. The child slapped him and said, "put it back!" I put the scripture back and went on to teach it.  

One thing the criticism I have come under has made me realize; even if you stand firm and refuse to back down, it still has a way of making me reflect inside of myself. I went for two weeks asking myself, "Did I really confuse my listeners? Is it true I don't know what I'm doing? Should I teach what they tell me? Is my voice to loud? I wanted to feel effective and loved and not criticized and persecuted. As I reflected on me, I could only see my weakness and ignorance. I know all of my critics are right. I am small and weak, loud and uncertain, frail and fearful, little and insignificant. I'm not a theologian and of a learned tongue, I know nothing. I'm the least qualified of all. I remember all my sins. Nothing about me is ready to be used by such a Holy God. During the two weeks that I was reflecting inside of myself, Abba was quiet. His only words to me were, seek my face. Seeking Him became increasing difficult. I got distracted with the most meaningless stuff. I played silly games on Facebook, watched video of the wisdom of men, visited my neighbor to watch television. Finally, with tears in my eyes and beggy prayers I did seek Him with my heart. 

This is what he said:

"Look to me and be saved. I know you are small and weak. My strength is made perfect in your weakness. A bruised reed I will not crush. What you search for is all in Me. I am your portion. Look to Me and not to yourself. I have made you a watchman on the wall. I have caused your voice to be like a trumpet. If I show you that my children are blindly walking into a deep pit, do you whisper a warning? Do not look to yourself, look to me. I made you, I called you. I chose the weak things of this world to confound the wise. I am God and beside me there is no other. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand and all that come against you shall be ashamed. Fear not little one, you are mine. It's not you they hate it's me"

Look to Him, He's more then enough.I need Him more then ever before. Not to be a great teacher or loved by all, I need Him to be saved.  

Fearless