Sunday, November 25, 2007

Love Story

I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine: he feeds among the lilies.
Song 6:3 KJV

Yesterday I was invited to a dinner at a good friend's home, her home is beautiful. I fell in love with the landscape and view. Her place is off the beach with the backyard overlooking the river complete with her own private pier. There's an oak bench that sits in the center of the backyard near the pier. I sit in silent meditation while everyone else mingles and socializes. That's semi-normal for me, I'm sometimes awkward and shy, introverted and alone. Other times I'm friendly and loud, full of laughter and joy. Today joy feels like a unattainable mystery that God has hidden from me. The scenery is perfect but I am not. I'm shattered and broken, like shard glass, in a million small pieces. My way is foggy and uncertain. The water is loud and brooding like my soul. I listen to the sounds of the crashing waves, in the river of despondency.

My beloved spoke and said unto me Rise up my love my fair one and come away
Song 2:10 KJV

"What's troubling you so?" he ask. I reply as I did previously "You know", "Are you questioning my knowledge of the fact that you are God?" "No" he replies I'm questioning your knowledge of the depth of my love for you."You see, I loved you when we first thought of you. I loved you when you were knitted together in your mother's womb. I loved you when you were tiny and fragile, asthmatic and weak. I loved you when you were a skinny kid with poor coordination, all skin and bones, rolling eyes and smart comments.

His left hand is under my head and his right hand doth embrace me
Song 2:6 KJV

"Yes, but do you love me when I'm full of lust and desires? When I rather settle for lust because love seems to vast and great for my selfish nature? Did you love me when I willingly participated as my friend tried on his male whore shoes? When I'm wet and messy full of secrets and fears? Did you love me when I was all hands and arms, groping, feeling, touching places that are sacred?  All because I want to be loved. Did you love me when I felt desirable but undesired? Did you love me when I was rejected like the last kid on the playground to be picked? Do you love me when I'm crazy, unbalanced and full of the emotions that I know I shouldn't have? Do you love me when I run from your love; only to run to it when my light is dim? Did you love me when the flower of my virtue appeared as withered as a unscented piece of potpourri? Did you love me then?"

I am the rose of Sharon and the lily of the valley
Song 2:1 KJV

"Yes, I love you especially then. I love you when you are confused and unwilling to trust me. When you are selfish and self-centered full of manipulation and lies. I love you when you stumble that's why I never let you fall. You see, I loved you as I counted every hair on your head. When I bottled every tear you ever shed. I love you when you walked away from me to follow other gods. I cried as you walked away. I loved you as I searched high and low for you, only to be met with indifference. I loved you when you rejected my love like the last child picked on the playground. I loved you when I felt desirable but undesired. Did you doubt my love when I accepted you back without hesitation? Did you doubt me then?

I sleep but my heart waketh, it is the voice of my beloved that knocked, saying open to me, my sister, my love, my dove, my undefiled for my head is filled with dew and my locks with drops of the night
Song 5:2 KJV

As I sat with teary-eyed amazement pondering the greatness of his love against my smallness. I watched as the clouds hid the moon and formed a heart shape formation that appeared to be surrounded by ribs. I felt an overwhelming warmth that seems to ingulf every fiber of my being. I realized that I was in the center of his heart listening to the warmth of his life force. And it was great and vast and higher then any thoughts I had. Lately I have wanted to lay on someones chest and listen to their heartbeat, a life force, to love and be loved. I have wanted to belong to someone. And my beloved willingly participated in my quirky love Jones, because his love is bigger that my smallness. His love is warm and fuzzy, overwhelming and intoxicating. I woke this morning to the sound of my heartbeat it was loud and fast with a rhythm reserved for my beloved.

I am my beloved and his desire is toward me.
Song 7:10

Fearless