Sunday, March 8, 2009

Hiding

To every thing there is a season and a time to every purpose under the heaven.
Ecclesiastes 3:1
There is also a time to just hide. Times when you're persecuted and lied on and misunderstood. When the tongue of man is more deadly then a mafia arsenal. It's a time of cleansing for me, cleaning me from the opinion of men. I'm in one of those times right now, God told me to just hide in him. I wanted to defend myself and started to retaliate with my own negative opinions..then he asked me one simple question, "How do you hide?" The only thing I could think of was, be still and quiet. Then I looked up the word in the dictionary. Here's the definition of hide.
Hide: 1.To put or remain out of sight 2.To conceal for shelter or protection, to seek protection 3:To keep secret
I'm learning how to stay hidden, of course like everything else in my spiritual journey I stumble. My flesh likes to be seen. I have to go now, back to my secret place.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Love Quest


I've been thinking about love lately, the real kind not my self-absorb fantasy of happy ever after. I come to the concussion that I have limited knowledge whatsoever on the subject. My sister Claudia says that I'm a lovebug. I beg to differ, I treat people the way I want to be treated, but there is a clause in that. You must never cross me or anyone I love. Then you have to deal with my nasty little attitude and vicious tongue.
I'm not above speaking very little and putting that person on the pay you no mind list. I will ignore you and talk and laugh with everyone else around us. I will totally keep you out of my sunshine. I will call my close associates and my sisters and trash that person, even though it feels heavy and painful. Then when it gets to heavy to carry any further. I tell Jesus on them. He takes it too, the heavy lifts and I begin to see a different side, I see the God's side. I receive his wisdom. I always have to go to that person and apologize for the part I played. His side is always the side of love. Mine is usually pride or wounded pride.
I'm starting to realize that love isn't easy for me because it requires something from me. Things like service and self-sacrifice. I read that it's kind and patient, seeks not it's own, is not easily provoked, the total opposit nature then the one I possess. I'm praying to be able to love like God.

Fearless

Saturday, February 7, 2009

My Great Conversion


It was a night like any other night, except it was a day that I chose to sleep for the first time in days. I mostly survived on cookies, chips, very little sleep and lots of cocaine back then. When cocaine finally let me sleep, I usually slept pretty hard. This particular night I was awaken suddenly and as I opened my eyes there was this bright light beaming down on me. It hovered over me great and fierce. To say I was afraid is an understatement. By my assessment, I couldn't run from it since it was covering the whole of my ceiling. I did the only thing I could think to do and I closed my eyes real tight and pretended to be asleep. I played possum, but he wasn't having it, he knew I wasn't asleep. Then the kindest, softest voice that seemed to soothe the fear from me said, "Don't be afraid, sit up,clean up your life, come out from among them I have work for you." And I said, "Me?..I don't know what to do Lord." I was sure he had the wrong house, the wrong person! I had thousands of dollars worth of cocaine stuffed in my underwear, a pistol at my side and a hopelessness born of pain and disappointment. I had not stepped inside of a church in at least a decade except for funerals. I was in my early twenties and mostly known in my family as the one that wouldn't amount to much. It didn't bother me that they stopped believing in me. I had stopped believing in myself several years before, on a musty, pee stained mattress against my will.

In the light came a vision, in the vision I was standing in a dark place with a white scarf draped over my head and at my feet were many wounded men. Hundreds of them, all had blooded bandages on one area of their body or another. Then just as quickly as it came, it was gone the light, the voice, the vision. I gazed at the ceiling for what must have been hours transfixed. I knew no one would believe me. If it hadn't of happened to me I wouldn't have believe it either. I didn't go back to sleep. I looked at the ceiling until I heard the birds singing. I went to church that day. I cried as I watched many people give their life to Christ that day, I didn't. I sat in the audience and cried.

I would like to offer you a sugar-coated miraculous transformation, but it wasn't to be. I wasn't giving up my life of sin and shame without a fight. It was too much a part of me. I held on to my guilt, unworthiness and shame with a white knuckled grip. One night of a fierce light couldn't break my grip. He was going have to pry my hand open finger by finger.

He didn't, he just followed me. He relentlessly pursued me like a unwanted suitor that loved me unconditionally. He didn't seem to care that I didn't want him. No one gave him the memo that I was no good. Everywhere I went he was there; him and his giant spotlight watching me, waiting on me. I just wanted him to go away and find someone else to do his work. He stalked me. I made my bed in hell and he sat on the edge of it. I begged him to go away, he wouldn't. He wouldn't fit neatly in my shoebox of past experiences. I couldn't fold him up and tuck him away. He just silently followed me with his giant spotlight and big puppy dog eyes.

He wasn't detoured by my choices either. I started dancing in this seedy little sex toy shop. I danced for forty-five dollars a song in this small Plexiglas booth. It had a phone on both sides. I could talk to the guys and they could watch me dance and listen as I pretended to desire them. Phone sex with a live visual. I hated every minute of it, but most of all I hated me. He didn't..he still followed me.

One night it had gotten to be to much for me. I didn't numb the pain. There was no white powder numbing, no liquor induced stupor. I left the shop with eight hundred dollars in my pocket feeling cheapened by the nameless faces that slobbered on the other end of that phone. I still felt that spotlight and his watching eyes. This particular night when I got home I turned on the shower full force as hot as I could get it.I wanted to be clean. I got in the shower and I said, "Okay, since you won't leave me alone, then clean me, please help me, I hate it all. I don't want those men looking at me like an object to be used for their sexual fantasies. I want one man to love me," I just want to be loved." The flow of my tears were as turbulent as the flow of the water, I scrubbed my skin raw trying to wash away my sins. That's the story of my great conversion. I stepped out of that shower forever changed.I was born again..

Fearless

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Ode to the Demon Doubt

Hello Doubt, I'm glad you could come today. I have so much to say to you, I don't know where to start. So I'll start by thanking you for all the contributions you have made to my life. You have invested greatly in my security and have keep me comfortable and stuck in the same place for a long time. I do appreciate all your efforts. I can't count the number of times you stopped me from making a fool of myself and kept me quiet, and how many times you had me question if God really said that. I can not imagine where I would be if it weren't for you. You have constantly reminded me that I'm not pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough or good enough. I don't know what would have happened if you allowed me to think more of myself. And if your weren't there to remind me of all my failures I may have even tried again. You even stuck with me when Faith came, as much as you hate her. I know you two had different messages, but Faith's voice was kind, sweet and patient and you roared and yelled and made my heart beat loud and fast. I realize now it was only because you demand to be heard and your friends should never doubt..no pun intended. I sincerely thank you for being that voice of reason, you are so practical. You have kept me from venturing into the unknown and made sure I've stayed on the broad path. While Faith has been so uncertain and the path so narrow but alias dear companion I have chose to follow Faith. I would invite you to come along but you don't like any of my other traveling companions. We'll be traveling with Abba Father, Yeshua(Jesus), Holy Spirit, Love, Hope, Patience and several others I won't name since your face is turning so red.I know you only travel with Stress, Worry and Anxiety. Tell them I said "Bye," I need not be rude to them, since you always brought them along when I entertained you...I know you did not want them to abuse me the way they did.
I know what you're going to say, "What about what we had."
It's over...
There will be someone else, though I think you should retire. I know I must have wore you out with all my beggy prayers for Faith while at the same time entertaining you, Stress, Worry and Anxiety. Can't you see I was never meant for you. I will miss your strong arms of bondage, but stronger arms are waiting on me. He said say "Good-bye" and walk away and don't look back..
Good-Bye Doubt..take care of you.

Fearless