Letting Go of Fears

Isaiah 41:10 (CSB) Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will hold on to you with My righteous right hand.

What would  do if I were not afraid? Would I bungee jump? Or skydive? Would I swim cross an ocean? Would I swim in the ocean? Would I climb the highest mountain or laugh in the face of a ridiculous bully? 

None of the above would I do. Mostly because they really don't interest me. What I will do is love without restrictions or inhibitions. Lately, Abba has been teaching me about love. Not the kind we see in the movies where it's about someone meeting my needs and I in return doing the same.

He's teaching me about real love where you're willing to lay down your life for a friend. Love that will die so that you can live. Love that's being perfected in Him. I have come to see fear for how despicable is truly is. I am understanding the meaning of the scripture, "There is no fear in love, for perfect love cast out fear. The two cannot coexist for one will rule in your heart. 

Several years ago Abba told me that fear is that high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of Him. All through the scripture before Abba gives instruction to His chosen people he addresses their fears. He assures them that He is with them. He is love. If love is with you, what do you have to be afraid of?

Their faces? Death? Pain? Rejection? Abandonment? Failure? All the things Jesus must have felt when He hung on the cross. Yet we claim to want to be like Him, but we fear the consequence of our choice on this temporal plane of existence. Love is eternal and the only thing that separates us as disciples of Christ.

I decided to love intentionally, to be an encourager, to esteem others above myself. To lay down my life for love. No one can take what you laid down. No one.

Fearless 

A Mother's Grief

Jeremiah 31:15New King James Version (NKJV)

Thus says the Lord:

“A voice was heard in Ramah,

Lamentation and bitter weeping,

Rachel weeping for her children,

Refusing to be comforted for her children,

Because they are no more.”

I watched two snuff movies this week. No, I'm not a crazy Satan worshipping deviant. I watched mostly by mistake, they were posted on Facebook. Two young black men coldbloodedly murdered by cops. I haven't got into the black lives matter movement. I refused to listen to watch/or be a part of to any of the issues concerning race relations in America. Not because I didn't care, but because I care too much. I didn't want to be manipulated and controlled by the powers that be. I saw a deliberate race baiting forming. One thing I know for sure is they hate us all. I saw the beginning of the destruction of our infrastructure and the intentional dividing of our people. This is my heart on the matter.

No mother should have to watch any other mother's children die. No mother should have to warn her child not to reach in their pocket if asked by police to see their ID. No mother should have to spend their whole day praying for their child to return home from work because they wear a blue uniform. No mother should have to choose what side to be on. We should not be asked to decide who children are the most important. I have not been able to stop crying for the bloodshed that is creating this racial divide.

I have one son and two grandsons, how do I tell them that they are considered worthless because of the color of their skin? How do I protect them from the sinister monster of racism? How do I tell the mother of a murdered child that prayer will change things without it sounding like a cop out? How do I teach love when hate is winning?

 How do I comfort a mother in the Middle East who child's life was considered collateral damage? How do I say we love you to a fellow Christian whose child was beheaded on a playground by USA funded terrorist? How do I tell a grieving mother of the Orlando tragedy that not every Christian hated your dead child for their lifestyle choice? How do you comfort a mother whose thirteen-year old's blood covers her bed? How do you tell a mother that it's not because her child is black, white, brown, yellow, red or wearing blue, Muslim, Christian or a Jew? It's just greed, bloodthirst and hate?

I have cried for each of these children. I have cried and cried. I sit here with a tear stained face and I say...ENOUGH! Stop killing our children. Stop killing God's likeness and image.

Oh, United States of America weep for your sins have reached heaven. 

Joel 2:12-14New King James Version (NKJV)

A Call to Repentance

12 “Now, therefore,” says the Lord,
“Turn to Me with all your heart,
With fasting, with weeping, and with mourning.”
13 So rend your heart, and not your garments;
Return to the Lord your God,
For He is gracious and merciful,
Slow to anger, and of great kindness;
And He relents from doing harm.
14 Who knows if He will turn and relent,
And leave a blessing behind Him—
A grain offering and a drink offering

Cry out weeping mothers! We have had enough, stop the innocent bloodshed all over this world.

And Jesus weep.

Come Lord Jesus!

Dear Girl Behind the Dumpster

Dear Girl Behind the Dumpster,

I read your letter last week and I have been meaning to write you. I have been afraid. Though I call myself Fearless I have many secret fears. God asked me to write this last week, but like I said I was afraid. Not of writing you, but of telling on me. You see I was the Girl on the Pee Stained Mattress. Though it was forty, yes forty years ago I still remember everything. I wasn't unconscious not to say one is better than the other just different, but judging by your letter the impact is just as devastating.

I know the how it feels not to want you own body anymore because it is suddenly and against your wishes contaminated. I know the powerlessness of not having a voice or authority over the very skin I was born in. You were unconscious I was too afraid to fight for me. You put on a brave face to spare your sister the anguish she must still feel. I remained silent, I hid his dirty secret not to protect him, but to protect the shame that had attached itself to me that night. I didn't want to become the girl who was raped, but I was her. 

Like you I lost all desire to communicate with the outside world. I didn't talk, I didn't eat and I didn't sleep. I relived it, over and over and over again. I dropped out of school, I sit in the same spot day after day. I was afraid to be left alone in the house. I was afraid to go out of the house. The world had become dark and uninviting. I slowly made my way back into the world, full of shame, secrets, and fears.

Twenty-five years later God asked me to write the story not only write it He asked me to give it to Him. I told Him it was a horrible story and I was over it why would He want that? He insisted so I reluctantly gave in. Back then I didn't have a computer, tablet, or a cell phone so I grabbed a loose-leaf notebook and start writing. I didn't know how many tears I would shade that day. Every bit of that night flooded my memory and assailed my senses. I remember details of the room, the smells surrounding me, the fear that gripped me and most of all how much I detested him and his touch. My story was three pages long front and back.I tucked it away in my wallet because frankly I didn't know what else to do with it.

Five years later it became the first story in an anthology. I met many wonderful sisters with similar stories, we forged an unbreakable bond.  We have conferences to tell our story. I was the only one that told it in front of men and a television station, they called me brave and I believed them. My rape had become my ministry. I went on to start a ministry. I told my story because it was setting others free and not just women there were many men that came to me secretly after a meeting. I prayed with each one, I prayed that they would forgive, I bound and loose shame off them. I became rape minister extraordinaire.

So you can imagine my shock when a couple of months ago God confronted me with the awful truth that I wasn't all the way free of my own trauma. Two years after my husband died God visited me and said He was going to send me another husband. I begged Him not to, I was awful in marriage. I wasn't a good wife. Please, I said don't do that to me, don't do that to him. He reminded me of this several times over the years, each time I had the same reaction.

 I haven't had many relationships I just thought I wasn't good at it so I avoided it. My family was happy when I finally married. I think they were beginning to give up on me. It's not like no one tried. So many kind guys did try. I just didn't think I loved any of them. I remember thinking something was wrong with me, I was so different from my friends. They loved, broke up and loved again. I didn't fall in love. I did get into many relationships when I was young, but none was successful. I was always the third wheel. I never attributed it to that night.

Last year God sent the man we'll just call him Joe to protect the innocent. I think I knew it when I first laid eyes on him. We became friends, he challenged me, encouraged me, listened to me and helped me through a very difficult time in my ministry. However anytime we would start getting too close I would feel this fear rise up inside of me. I felt as if I couldn't breathe and I wanted to run. I was telling my sister Gina about it one night, she told me to ask God what it is. I prayed and asked Him. He gave me a vision of Joe reaching in to kiss me and I smelled the stale alcohol breath of the rapist. The vision scared me, but I had an even worse vision. I had a vision of Joe and I talking and our words were giving each other life. Then my words got harsh and mean and my words pushed him away. God said,"you will chase him to your sisters, and he's a good man."

I prayed that I wouldn't do that. I prayed that I wouldn't hurt him, but I did exactly what God showed me I would do. That's when I realized that I have no control of what's broke inside of me and it has been broken for forty years. I tried to do the work on myself. I thought maybe I still have some unforgiveness. So I prayed for weeks for the rapist. I know I can never hold on to unforgiveness, bitterness, hate or resentment when I pray for someone. I prayed out loud, I prayed in my journal. I knew I wasn't holding on to hate. Finally, I asked the Lord what is it?

He told me to write it. It has taken me two weeks to sit down and write. I know it was coming out today. God woke me up with it. He told me that it's intimacy. You see it was easy to tell my story, I owed it, I loved God and he loved me. He walked me through the first part of my healing. I don't like the healing process I have to relive details or drop defenses. I have to feel the pain, grieve and let God comfort me. When I wrote the story that when in the book I laid on the floor and cried for three days.

I knew this would be hard to write. He said daughter you have refused to be intimate since that night. You have given your body but never your love and trust. The reason your marriage was so turbulent was because you never allowed true intimacy. I knew it was true. I gave my body but never could he have that tender area that would leave me vulnerable and afraid. So I build walls and learned resistance. No one could have all of me.  Joe got to close to my walls. He suddenly became dangerous to me. I didn't know how to fight as a teenager, I didn't know how to defend my body, so I lay as stiff as I could and defended my intimacy. He stole my body, my trust, my innocence but intimacy was mine it was the only thing I could protect. It was my way of saying, "You didn't get all of me."

I never dropped my defense of my intimate place. I know that now. Joe got to close to it. I had to find a way to fight. I sent letters with words that I intended to cut deep, words I have never ever even said out loud. I was angry and brash. I had to escape. I needed to breathe, the fear had overpowered me. I sabotaged the relationship and when I was good and finished. I said, "see God I knew he wasn't right." I sometimes have a huge capacity for self-deception. I can always make myself the righteous one. God is never impressed with my piety. He's given me no peace since my awful behavior. Joe went on to date someone else and I'm left with the pieces of my broken heart. God told me He's giving me beauty for ashes, but first, I had to give Him the ashes. Several times God spoke to me concerning the situation, I wrote long-winded text, some were nice most still had the sharp point of my dagger as an attachment.

Today, with my head bowed and tears filling my lap, I lifted my ash filled hands and said,"here they're yours, I don't want them anymore."

 So, Girl Behind Dumpster, continue to do the work on yourself don't allow that man to steal your intimacy. I'm proud of the way you have handled yourself so far. Keep doing the work to reclaim your life. And I know I speak for the 1 and 3 women everywhere that have suffered as we have, thank you for writing our letter.

Fearless

Standing Firm in Trouble

Job 4:3-5World English Bible (WEB)

3 Behold, you have instructed many,
    you have strengthened the weak hands.
4 Your words have supported him who was falling,
    You have made firm the feeble knees.
5 But now it has come to you, and you faint.
    It touches you, and you are troubled.

Six years ago I literally came back from the dead. I came back with two hundred thousand dollars worth of debt to the hospital. I could no longer afford my apartment, my car broke down before my out of town move. I sold it to my brother-in-law. My life was completely different. I woke to new life, but not to the one I wanted. I didn't know at the time that God was stripping me of everything that I put my trust in. He wanted all of me.

I found myself living among the least of these brothers and sister of mine that Jesus mentioned to in Matthew 25. At first, I tried to avoid them. He wasn't having that. He sent me to teach them his ways. I taught, I loved in the midst of anger,hatred and bitterness. I was cursed, persecuted, talked about, lied on and treated very badly. He was teaching me how to love when I wasn't loved in return. Sometimes I got it right, sometimes I got mad. I get it now.

God asked me to love someone lately. I know He asks us to love everyone. This time, it was direct and personal. Anytime my Abba gives me a direct command I know trouble is coming and I will be tested and trouble came exactly like He showed me. He sometimes shows me in advance what's going to happen. It happened just as He showed me. It troubled me. I got mad at Abba for requiring that from me. He told me off. I asked Him how am I suppose to love this person when they want nothing to do with me? They think I'm weird and unbalanced. 

I discovered it's easier to love the ones that curse you than the one that's indifferent to you. I don't now why that is. I guess I invested more of myself to the indifferent one. I wanted to be loved too. A couple of weeks ago I Abba gave me the answer. When Abba gives you a lesson it's best to past the course on the first test. I never do. So it keeps coming back to me.

Last night I finally got it. Every lesson on love is painful and beautiful. With the indifferent you have to simply love and earnestly desire the best for them. I prayed with tears in my eyes for them and my heart meant it. I will not stand before Abba to give an account to how anyone treated me. He's not concerned with how much of myself I invested with no dividends. It will always be, how I loved. I have to keep my heart clear of any debris. My love is pure and undefiled. I can't allow trouble to allow me to faint. All my trust is in my God. I promised Him all of me. 

The good news is that He's restoring all that I lost. Isn't it like Abba to bless you in the midst of trouble of your soul. I'm finally getting my credit back re-established, I have a wonderful new job, I'm also allowed to do what I love and will be paid nicely for it, my company should be up and running in the next few months, I'm meeting Lexington's most prestigious dignitaries and they are kind. And the best of all is Abba called me faithful. He finally got al of me. He always breaks us to remake us to the image of His Son. We really will go from glory to glory if we faint not, if we stand firm in the midst of trouble. Yes, my soul is troubled, but my Father is faithful.

Fearless

Seasons of Change

Ecclesiastes 3:1World English Bible (WEB)

3 For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven.

I have a job. I know I promised to never again work for anyone else. I tried to hold on and live what I like to call in simplicity. Not barefoot in clean white cotton, strumming on a guitar while singing campfire songs and eating veggies from my organic garden like I envisioned in my head. I did organic garden one year; I was a natural and I miss gardening. I even took guitar lessons, by lessons I mean Lisa Samson's son Jake gave me one lesson and it hurt my fingers and lost all of it's appeal to me.

I never quite became the hippie I wanted to be. I don't know why. I gave away all my power suits and high heels. I wore loud colors and big bright earrings, but hippie somehow escaped me just like it did in the seventies. I remember as a child in the sixties I would go to this hippie commune not far from my granddad's house with my siblings and cousins. They gave us tie-dyed paper flowers and said things like peace and love. I thought they were the epitome of cool. I wanted to be a hippie, but of course by the time I reached hippie age they were all gone to rehab or dead. Now they're called hipsters and they're artsy, liberal and condescending. I want to be like that.

I'm not. Not even a little bit. So I became the building minister. I did get the condescending part right. Abba called it pride. He has a way of calling sin by its proper name. Now I'm humbling myself. He put me in a job at a church under a pastor and his wife's watchful eyes. The first day was slightly uncomfortable, for them at least. I have a hard time not being my jovial self. So I didn't attempt not to be. I talked, told jokes, laughed at my own jokes. I know they were funny if you don't have a stick up your rear end. I don't think they know how to take me. Here's a clue, like I am.

I've been doing a lot of research for them. I wear office attire, the little that I still have left which isn't much. I wonder if I can wear hippie clothes. My season of just being comfortable and living and working in one small spot have ended. Abba called it my valley experience. Those valley experiences are rough. Jesus strips you of everything and leaves you with the bare minimum and test to see if you would still follow him. It's lonely and Jesus is always serious and sometimes a little stern. My season has changed. I'm now in a season of childlike faith again. I love this season. He's speaking tenderly to me and He's funny and I get to be His baby again. I can ask for things;silly things and He immediately answers in strange ways that make me laugh. Every day is like a new adventure full of wonder and surprises. I am so in love.

Fearless

After A While

The Death of a Refrigerator

1 Thessalonians 5:18World English Bible (WEB)

18 In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus toward you.

Saturday my refrigerator died. She served me well in the last few years. Not only did she keep my food housed and safe from spoilage, she held my grocery list, inspirational magnets, she even held my much neglected daily schedule. It wasn't always easy living together in such a small space. We have had our difficulty. Like the time her freezer clogged with ice and it melted and leaked all over my floor. There have been times in the middle of the night I stumbled into her on my way for a quick bathroom run. I always apologized. I like to think she forgave me. Other than that, we lived well together.

I was babysitting a five-month-old when I noticed the freezer was not working. I could hear the slight pulsating sound of life coming from the refrigerator, however the food in the freezer was wet and soggy. It was a mess of dripping blood and juices. I called maintance and reported a problem with my freezer. I had reported the freezer before I realized the refrigerator was not working. The light was on and I could hear the motor. Nothing was cold.

Caring for a five-month-old is difficult enough without a dead refrigerator, but its catastrophic when you combine the two. It was one of those days that I just didn't want to deal with a mess. If not me then who? I had to do something before maintance got there. The bible says in all things give thanks. I think dead refrigerators would fit in to the catagory of all things. The baby's grandmother picked him up and I went about the task of salvaging what I could.

Did I give thanks? Not at first. My first thoughts were whiny and complainy. Woe it's me, I have to clean and cook all day. My neighbor came over upset because he had been ripped off by a mechanic. I told him to praise and thank God for restoring what he had lost. That's when it hit me, I should take my own advise. In all things give thanks, that is the wil of God concerning us. My refrigerator died, I lost food, but the source of all my blessing still sits on the throne.

I lost quite a bit of food. I cooked all night what I could, and some I gave away so that others would benefit from my loss. I got a temporary replacement that night. Most of my fresh fruit and vegatable had started to fuzz and smell moldy. The frozen meat I cooked and gave away, but in the midst of it all I gave thanks. I thanked God that I could be a blessing to others. I thank God for the temporary replacemnt that came in the middle of the night. I thanked God that I was able to salvage a lot of the food. I thank Him because I know He will replace that which I lost.

Today I got a new refrigerator. I put my inspirational magnets on it. I put my mostly neglected schedue on it and the food I kept in it. And I give thanks.

Fearless

The Beautiful One

Song of Solomon 2:10-13World English Bible (WEB)

10 My beloved spoke, and said to me,
    “Rise up, my love, my beautiful one, and come away.
11 For, behold, the winter is past.
    The rain is over and gone.
12 The flowers appear on the earth.
    The time of the singing has come,
    and the voice of the turtledove is heard in our land.
13 The fig tree ripens her green figs.
    The vines are in blossom.
    They give out their fragrance.
Arise, my love, my beautiful one,
    and come away.

My life is changing so fast I find it hard to keep up myself. For years, the Lord has made promises to me. He has spoken tender love stories in my ear. He calls me the beautiful one even when I feel tired and haggard and not attractive at all. When my hair is dirty and stringy and my eyes bloodshot from crying, like right now. His love always leaves me crying with joy. Today, he felt like loving on me. I guess I needed a love feast today. For sure they are always welcome though unexpected.

He gave me the scripture that I posted today. I opened my bible and there it was. It's the same scripture from my story in Sistahfaith. It always touches my heart and reminds me of His everlasting love and covenant to me. For me it's personal.

Yesterday I had a phone call that left me feeling misunderstood and judged wrongly. I don't know why people see me different than I truly am. It's hard when someone is weighing your every word and you know it. Sometimes my speech is halting,not because I lack confidence, but because I want to give the right words so as to not be misjudged. I fail every time. I've come to the concussion that I should just be me. I'm freeing myself of trying to be understood or loved.

I know the one that loves me. I hear His voice and He loves me completely. I can't be separated from His love. I don't have to win His approval. I realize that a person can tell you that they don't love you one time and you may never feel as if they do again. I remember once as a young wife and mother that I told my husband that I hated him in a fit of rage.

I will never forget the devastated look in his eyes. Even after the argument was over the pain remained inside of him and he often reminded me of what I had said. I loved him and it was never true, but he never felt secure in my love again. To be secure in something means fastened to, held firmly. When you refuse to hold love firmly or fasten to it, why call the other person insecure? I gave him no safety or security. He was left with nothing to hold on to.

Jesus love is always firmly fastened. It's solid, it's where my security lies. Today I'm loved and called the beautiful one, even if I don't see it.

Fearless

Faithfulness for Much Afraid

1 Thessalonians 5:23-24World English Bible (WEB)

23 May the God of peace himself sanctify you completely. May your whole spirit, soul, and body be preserved blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.

24 He who calls you is faithful, who will also do it.

I am in awe of Abba. I have been reflecting on my journey so far. I see me as the character Much-Afraid in the book Hinds Feet on High Places. I don't always understand what Abba is doing. Sometimes I have to look back before I have the least bit of understanding. I wish I could say, "I got this." A lot f the times I feel as if I got tricked. He's so much wiser than I am.

In the book, Much-Afraid is talking to the Shepherd. He showed her a seed that looked like a thorn and asked to put it in her heart. And of course, true to her name Much-Afraid feared it would hurt. Here is the discourse between the two of them from the book.

“She bent forward to look, then gave a startled little cry and drew back. There was indeed a seed lying in the palm of his hand, but it was shaped exactly like a long, sharply-pointed thorn… ‘The seed looks very sharp,’ she said shrinkingly. ’Won’t it hurt if you put it into my heart?’

He answered gently, ‘It is so sharp that it slips in very quickly. But, Much-Afraid, I have already warned you that Love and Pain go together, for a time at least. If you would know Love, you must know pain too.’

Much-Afraid looked at the thorn and shrank from it. Then she looked at the Shepherd’s face and repeated his words to herself. ’When the seed of Love in your heart is ready to bloom, you will be loved in return,’ and a strange new courage entered her. She suddenly stepped forward, bared her heart, and said, ‘Please plant the seed here in my heart.’

His face lit up with a glad smile and he said with a note of joy in his voice, ‘Now you will be able to go with me to the High Places and be a citizen in the Kingdom of my Father"

For some love walked out on them, for me, love bled to death in my arms. I became Much-Afraid on a day that would have appeared beautiful in a romance novel. It was an early summer day. There were a gentle breeze and the one I loved also loved me. Nothing prepared me for his death. Yes, that's the day unbeknown to me that  I took on the moniker, Much-Afraid.

Abba know, he told me about the seed. I refuse to even consider planting that seed in my heart. I begged Him to spare me anymore heartache. I assured Him I would be just fine without it as long as I have Him. I was fine for the most part. I followed Him. His faithfulness never waivered even though I was Much-Afraid.

For the last seven months, Abba has truly worked with me concerning that seed. I like Much-Afraid finally found the courage to step forward and bare my heart to my Shepherd and say, "Please plant the seed here in my heart." And you now what? It did hurt.

Today I looked at the Shepherd's face and remembered His words, "When the seed in your heart is ready to bloom, you will be loved in return." He is faithful and He will bring it to pass.

Fearless

PS: Then he pressed the thorn into her heart. It was true, just as he had said, it did cause a piercing pain, but it slipped in quickly and then, suddenly, a sweetness she had never felt or imagined before tingled through her. It was bittersweet, but the sweetness was the stronger. She thought of the Shepherd’s words, ‘It is so happy to love,’ and her pale, sallow cheeks suddenly glowed pink and her eyes shown. For a moment, Much-Afraid did not look afraid at all.” 
― Hannah Hurnard, Hinds' Feet on High Places

My Cardboard Box

I'm home from a long stay in Michigan taking care of my sick mother. I don't mind traveling. I have been doing a lot of that lately. Mostly because I had begun to hate my apartment building. It's starting to look rundown and unkept. Most of the older women have either moved or died. The new tenants are men, mostly veterans fro Vietnam. Don't get me wrong I love our soldiers and I appreciate what they did for us-I really do. I just don't like the way some of them flirt and a couple of them look scary. Scary as in, don't ride on the elevator alone with them or you may become a statistic.

I know the old adage "You can't judge a book by its cover," but I was warned about them and their behavior before I saw them. A few of my neighbors warned me not to be friendly and invite them to the bible study because they have been involved in some pretty unsavory and questionable behavior. I don't like gossip and I don't like having formed an opinion on someone based on something that someone else said, but I hate to be told not to invite someone to meet Jesus.

So even though they flirt with toothless grins and might be or not be involved in drugs, bringing prostitutes in the building and may even murder me in an elevator; I was friendly and invited them to the bible study. I realized that is why I'm in the building, and why I'm in Lexington. Although I felt as if I did the right thing, my heart wasn't right. I was scared and a more than a little discussed with living here.

So I lived away for awhile.

I lived at my mom's house, I visited my best friend since childhood Joy's house. I lived out of my suitcase a lot. I was comfortable sometimes and sometimes not. I had no time for me. I wrote with clatter and friction. I learned to obey others rules. I made myself useful and available. To be honest I'm just not used to that.

My apartment is home to me. When I returned I was so glad to see it in all of it's purple glory. It's neat and clean, and it's mine. My neighbors don't knock a lot anymore. I have peace and serenity. When I returned God reminded me of a promise I made to him fifteen years ago. I promised him that I would live in a cardboard box if He was with me. I let fear and subtle intimidation and dirty hallway carpet usurp my promise to Him. The apostle Paul said he's knows what it is to be in need and what it is to have plenty and he learned how to be content in all things. He said he can do all things through Christ who gives him strength.

Today I'm content in my cardboard box.

Fearless

The Awakening by Sonny Carroll

The Awakening Sonny Carroll There comes a time in your life when you finally get it ... When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out "ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on." And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world from a new perspective. ..........This is your awakening.

You realize that it is time to stop hoping and waiting for something or someone to change, or for happiness safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that there aren't always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you. Then a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

So you begin making your way through the "reality of today" rather than holding out for the "promise of tomorrow." You realize that much of who you are and the way you navigate through life is, in great part, a result of all the social conditioning you've received over the course of a lifetime. And you begin to sift through all the nonsense you were taught about :

- how you should look and how much you should weigh,
- what you should wear and where you should shop,
- where you should live or what type of car you should drive,
- who you should sleep with and how you should behave,
- who you should marry and why you should stay,
- the importance of bearing children or what you owe your family,

Slowly you begin to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin re-assessing and re-defining who you are and what you really believe in. And you begin to discard the doctrines you have outgrown, or should never have practiced to begin with.

You accept the fact that you are not perfect ,and that not everyone will love appreciate or approve of who or what you are... and that's OK... they are entitled to their own views and opinions. And, you come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a "perfect 10".... Or a perfect human being for that matter... and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head or agonizing over how you compare. And, you take a long look at yourself in the mirror and you make a promise to give yourself the same unconditional love and support you give so freely to others. Then a sense of confidence is born of self-approval.

And, you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" hungry for your next fix, a new dress, another pair of shoes or looks of approval and admiration from family, friends or even strangers who pass by. Then you discover that it is truly in "giving" that we receive, and that the joy and abundance you seek grows out of the giving. And you recognize the importance of "creating" and "contributing" rather than "obtaining" and "accumulating."

And you give thanks for the simple things you've been blessed with, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about - a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, the freedom of choice and the opportunity to pursue your own dreams.

And you begin to love and to care for yourself. You stop engaging in self-destructive behaviors, including participating in dysfunctional relationships. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and exercising. And because you've learned that fatigue drains the spirit and creates doubt and fear, you give yourself permission to rest. And just as food is fuel for the body, laughter is fuel for the spirit and so you make it a point to create time for play.

Then you learn about love and relationships - how to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk away. And you allow only the hands of a lover who truly loves and respects you to glorify you with his touch. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say, intentionally or unintentionally, and that not everyone will always come through... and interestingly enough, it's not always about you. So, you stop lashing out and pointing fingers or looking to place blame for the things that were done to you or weren't done for you. And you learn to keep your Ego in check and to acknowledge and redirect the destructive emotions it spawns - anger, jealousy and resentment.

You learn how to say "I was wrong" and to forgive people for their own human frailties. You learn to build bridges instead of walls and about the healing power of love as it is expressed through a kind word, a warm smile or a friendly gesture. And, at the same time, you eliminate any relationships that are hurtful or fail to uplift and edify you. You stop working so hard at smoothing things over and setting your needs aside. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right to want or expect certain things. And you learn the importance of communicating your needs with confidence and grace. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that eventually martyrs are burned at the stake. Then you learn to distinguish between guilt, and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to Say NO. You learn that you don't know all the answers, it's not your job to save the world and that sometimes you just need to Let Go.

Moreover, you learn to look at people as they really are and not as you would want them to be, and you are careful not to project your neediness or insecurities onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love and relationships, and that that not everyone can always love you the way you would want them to. So you stop appraising your worth by the measure of love you are given. And suddenly you realize that it's wrong to demand that someone live their life or sacrifice their dreams just to serve your needs, ease your insecurities, or meet "your" standards and expectations. You learn that the only love worth giving and receiving is the love that is given freely without conditions or limitations. And you learn what it means to love. So you stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that "alone" does not mean "lonely" and you begin to discover the joy of spending time "with yourself" and "on yourself." Then you discover the greatest and most fulfilling love you will ever know - Self Love. And so it comes to pass that, through understanding, your heart heals; and now all new things are possible.

Moving along, you begin to avoid Toxic people and conversations. And you stop wasting time and energy rehashing your situation with family and friends. You learn that talk doesn't change things and that unrequited wishes can only serve to keep you trapped in the past. So you stop lamenting over what could or should have been and you make a decision to leave the past behind. Then you begin to invest your time and energy to affect positive change. You take a personal inventory of all your strengths and weaknesses and the areas you need to improve in order to move ahead, you set your goals and map out a plan of action to see things through.

You learn that life isn't always fair and you don't always get what you think you deserve, and you stop personalizing every loss or disappointment. You learn to accept that sometimes bad things happen to good people and that these things are not an act of God... but merely a random act of fate.

And you stop looking for guarantees, because you've learned that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected and that whatever happens, you'll learn to deal with it. And you learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time - FEAR itself.  So you learn to step right into and through your fears, because to give into fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. You learn that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophesy and you learn to go after what you want and not to squander your life living under a cloud of indecision or feelings of impending doom.

Then, YOU LEARN ABOUT MONEY... the personal power and independence it brings and the options it creates. And you recognize the necessity to create your own personal wealth. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart's desire. And a sense of power is born of self-reliance. And you live with honor and integrity because you know that these principles are not the outdated ideals of a by-gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build your life. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful opportunity and exciting possibility. Then you hang a wind chime outside your window to remind yourself what beauty there is in Simplicity.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you TAKE a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

A word about the Power of Prayer: In some of my darkest, most painful and frightening hours, I have prayed, not for the answers to my prayers or for material things, but for my "God" to help me find the strength, confidence and courage to persevere; to face each day and to do what I must do.

Remember this:- You are an expression of the almighty. The spirit of God resides within you and moves through you. Open your heart, speak to that spirit and it will heal and empower you.
My "God" has never failed me.

Warrior Prayer

2 Chronicles 7:14World English Bible (WEB)

14 if my people, who are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.

My prayer life has been off lately, to say the least. I've been praying, but not like I know how to do. I use to write my prayer. I use to come out of prayer renewed and refreshed, now I say a quick prayer to Abba as if we were strangers passing on a busy street. It didn't take me long to crash and burn.

I spent the weekend at my best friend since childhood home. I slept all of Saturday. She didn't disturb me. One thing about getting in a quiet place you will hear the voice of God. He told me to get back to a place of real prayer. I left my mother's house Friday with the worse attitude. I was sick of some of the people around me. They started treating me as if I were their maid. I like things tidy, they don't care. I think some of them perfer mess. When they started asking me to get them water or make them a sandwich, I had it!

Last year I came here to visit my mom and before I left I kind of snapped on them. By kind of I mean I pulled out pepper spray and a stun gun and I told them to get out and never come back. I think my attitude scared them all. It scared me. I don't know why this group can knock me off my square, I do know they can do it. I don't want to be the crazy lady that goes off on my family to get them to do the right thing. All I want to do is make sure my mom's house is a peaceful place.

I didn't say anything when I left but "I don't know when I'm coming back." I refuse to look at them and when I did I could see fear on their faces, "who pissed off the crazy lady."They started cleaning without saying a word. I left anyway. I needed to rest in Christ before the crazy lady decided to make an appearence. I'm not that person and I refuse to allow anyone to take my joy and peace from me.

Once I was well rested, Abba spoke. He said I must always take a Sabbath rest day and I must start warrior prayers for my family. I started praying like I use to. I can take at least a hour a day and give myself to prayer. Other then that my fresh will have its way. That crazy lady is only my flesh. I feel my connection with Abba back. I'm peaceful and loving toward my family. I prayed in earnest for them. I know my prayer are heard. I know He will save me and my household, because His word said He will.

I see my family members as puppets for the enemy with no control. I visualized the strings being cut in the spirit as I prayed. The only violence I need is to take my family by force and there's no greater force than the Holy Spirit. I prayed in the Spirit, I prayed in the natural. I called my prayer partner and we tore down demonic stronghold. Abba wants us to be dilligent in prayer.

Fearless

Following Christ

Matthew 19:28-30World English Bible (WEB)

28 Jesus said to them, “Most certainly I tell you that you who have followed me, in the regeneration when the Son of Man will sit on the throne of his glory, you also will sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. 29 Everyone who has left houses, or brothers, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name’s sake, will receive one hundred times, and will inherit eternal life. 30 But many will be last who are first; and first who are last.

I remember when I was first told to leave Michigan. My first three grandchildren were toddlers. I fit my work schedule around them so that I would have three days a week with them. I love them so much. When Jesus told me to forsake all others and leave them I cried. My mom got manipulative and angry that I was leaving, my son just got angry. I left anyway. Jesus has the last say.

Now more than a decade later I'm sent back. My mom is still manipulative. She tries to guilt me into whatever she desire me to do. I have grown up in Christ, though. I have watched over His lamb and His sheep. I know when I'm being manipulated and I will call it out. I will never disrespect my mom, however, I told her she would make the perfect Jewish mom trying to guilt trip me will no longer work. That always stop her.

My son is another story. He tries to manipulate with anger. He never got over the fact that I cut those apron strings. Lately, we talked about it. He finally got it out of His system. He said, "mama all I ever wanted was you, I use sit in the window waiting for you to come home." A lot of the time I didn't. I told him I'm sorry, I was too messed up as a young woman. I love him and I always have. He really did deserve a full-time mom. Since then I have watched a transformation in him. I have been apologizing to him for thirty years, but he never told his side of the story. Maybe he thought I couldn't handle his truth. I knew it, I caused it.

The rest of my family in Michigan can be a hand full. I never saw people as mean and entitled in one family. Except in the family of Christ. I don't know how many times I've said to Jesus, I can't with them, not my family. He told me His family is the same way and He puts up with them. Ouch.

I love my family, but they are worrying my mom. She has a baby brother my same age. She's really like a mother to him and he and I grew up together. He acts like he's twelve. He's a diabetic who refuse to do right. I had to take him to the hospital the other day. The doctor said he was stroke and coma level, his kidneys are failing and he has to get himself together. I left the hospital in tears. The next day he left the hospital against medical advice. He walked to my cousin house without a coat and still disorientated. When he made it here last night I told him, "I shed my last tear for you and if you want to die, make your peace with Jesus. I want to collect insurance. I will not pass the hat for you." He laughed, but I'm serious.

I have to stay focused in the midst of chaos. I never thought I would have to follow Christ back to my family, it's different with this group of misfits, our is it?

Fearless