Seeking His Kingdom

Matthew 6:33Worldwide English (New Testament) (WE)

33 `Work first for God's kingdom and what he calls good. Then you will have all these things also.

I started a new blog because Abba asked me to. I know I have not been faithful to this one, but apparently he's not concerned with that as much as I am. The new blog is about being a caregiver to my mom. Once again he told me to tell the truth, to give Him all of my weakness and He will give me His grace.

To be absolutely honest I don't like telling the truth on myself. I would much rather put on the mask of self-righteousness. Even when I'm finished preaching I always wonder what people think of me for disclosing all my unrighteous truth. However, I tell it anyway because He asked me to. Sometimes I have the begging conversation with Him. They usually go like this, "How will I help anyone by letting them know what a mess I am? That's embarrassing to tell." Heads-up, begging will not help, and you will find no peace until it's done.

So I tell my truth with the breastplate of His righteousness because He grace is sufficient and His forgiveness is always available as long as we forgive others, and turn from our wickedness. It's really not as hard and deep as we make it.

So now, He told me to write on both blogs, write the novel and take care of my mom's household and a couple of other things without murmuring and complaining. Which by the way, I constantly have to repent for. I didn't realize I had become such a complainer. I have always disliked complainers. I have had many friends whose phone call I had stopped taking because they were always whining.

Yesterday He told me to seek His Kingdom first, and all the things I have in my heart will be added until me. I got up this morning and I did just that. I made Him first in my thoughts. I gave Him the rightful place in my life. He gave me the ending of my novel.

I'm learning how to divide my time wisely and I have a pretty good flow going with my mom's needs. I'm loving this learning process and look forward to the rest of my journey.

Fearless 

Finding Myself

Yesterday I wrote a post about my new journal. My journey of self-discovery. It has been raining here for three days straight. The first day, I was scattered and random, unable to write, focus or get anything accomplished. Since getting a life coach I have cut a lot out of my life. Especially the toxic people that I minister to and live around. I let many of them go, I stopped going or taking them to their doctor visits, shopping center runs, and running errands. I had started to feel like everybody's mom. I wore myself out taking care of everyone else. I convinced myself that it was God's will even though He told me several times to "learn to say no to the demands of others, and listen to the Spirit call."

The stillness of my life felt overwhelming the first rainy day. I had no one making demands on me or my time. I was discombobulated by this realization. I didn't understand why. I sit alone pondering what I was feeling. I was stuck and I didn't understand why. The following day I woke and simply told my coach, "It's a new day."

Then the Lord lets me know my mothering of others started when I was eleven years old; when I returned home after living with relatives. I started basing my worth on how well I could care for others. Father said I was made to shine and not carry others on my back. Yesterday he asked me a question. The question was: Who are you?

My answer: I'm creative, I paint word pictures. I love to make things and can do wonders with a staple/glue gun paint and material. I love to make things beautiful. I have an uncanny eye for color and quality. When I write I evoke emotion because I feel deep, I'm kind but fiery. I love to learn and share my knowledge. I love words and stories, and I've been telling stories since I was a child. I love to challenge myself and I'm determined. I'm not a quitter and I won't stop until I learned whatever it is I set my mind to do. I'm strong, reliable, resilient, loyal, forgiving, I love unconditionally, and often allow others to cross boundaries. I have integrity and I'm honest. I love to work with my hands.I can be a loner and enjoy time to myself. I can also be the life of the party. I laugh easily and don't take myself too seriously.

There's probably more to me, however. that's what I know for sure right now.

Fearless