Bad Fruit

Matthew 7:15-20

Common English Bible (CEB)

15 “Watch out for false prophets. They come to you dressed like sheep, but inside they are vicious wolves. 16 You will know them by their fruit. Do people get bunches of grapes from thorny weeds, or do they get figs from thistles? 17 In the same way, every good tree produces good fruit, and every rotten tree produces bad fruit. 18 A good tree can’t produce bad fruit. And a rotten tree can’t produce good fruit. 19 Every tree that doesn’t produce good fruit is chopped down and thrown into the fire.20 Therefore, you will know them by their fruit.

Lately I have been thinking about bad fruit. Mainly because as usual I have been having trouble with people in the ministry (HA! I didn't say bible study). This one person that at first appeared to know Abba. He spoke of being filled with the Spirit of God, gave me Christian DVD's, listened to some of my favorite ministers, they had a form of godliness. Early on I did notice that they had a bad habit of vicious gossiping, and putting others down, especially those that have not yet received Christ fully in the ministry. That did put a check in my spirit, but I have a tendency to override the initial warning trying not to be judgmental.

The person seemed kind, but still heavy in bondage to alcohol. That should have gave me a clue, but again I didn't want to judge because I know that some of God's people need deliverance and healing. This person even gave me several drunken prophecies. I told my sister about them and she reminded me of several bible prophets. Isaiah was naked, Jeremiah was a crybaby, John the baptist eat locus and honey. So once again I went into override. Then the Holy Spirit spoke and said, "You will know them by there fruit."

One time I was in the market and I was buying the green seedless grapes. I had chosen the brand I normally get from California. Then my eye spotted a different brand. They were round, and fat much larger then the ones I had, and they were from Mexico. I quickly put the bag I had back and chose the big pretty round ones. I will never forget the bitterness of those grapes. As soon as I bit into one, my eyes squinted closed and my face scrunched; as if I had just bit into a lemon. They were ridiculously sour.

Bad fruit!

I realize that's gossip, accusation, unforgiveness, slander, and self-righteousness is just plain ole bad fruit. It's bitter fruit. If the fruit of the spirit is love, peace, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control, joy, patience and kindness which all pertain to our actions and character then all else is bad fruit. I'm finally getting what Abba meant by our fruit. What are we producing? We can't call ourselves followers of Christ and have bitter fruit. If we have no love for our neighbors we're liars and the truth is not in us. During these next several days of awe I plan on examining myself to see what sort of fruit I'm producing and repenting of any bad fruit I may have. I taught on Yom Teruah the other day. The Feast of trumpets-the time the ancient Israelite taught the books would be opened. I read Rev 20:12 and realized there are "books," beside the book of life.

Revelation 20:12New International Version (NIV)

12 And I saw the dead, great and small, standing before the throne, and books were opened. Another book was opened, which is the book of life. The dead were judged according to what they had done as recorded in the books.

We're being recorded! What's in your book?

Fearless

Back Home

Mar 5:18  As Jesus was getting into the boat, the man who had been demon-possessed kept begging him to let him go with him.
Mar 5:19  But Jesus wouldn't let him. Instead, he told him, "Go home to your family, and tell them how much the Lord has done for you and how merciful he has been to you."

I'm back home. I really enjoyed my adventure. Like the man that had been demon possessed Jesus sent me home. What's strange about the whole matter is that Florida felt like home while I was there. Now that I'm back to my colorful apartment with the nine foot ceilings and purple couch I realize that I'm home. I missed my apartment. I think it missed me too. Judging by the drawers with clothes hanging out, stove with one of the eyes pulled out like it lost a fist fight, and colorful pillows thrown on the floor; I think a little TLC is in order. Worse case scenario it may be suffering with abandonment issues: in that case intense therapy. I'm just glad to be home.

I'm back home more in love with Jesus. I think I fall more in love with Him everyday. I had such a wonderful time with my friends. I was treated like royalty, like the daughter of the King. Because I am the daughter of the King. Jesus said go home and tell your family how much the Lord has done for you and how merciful He has been to you. I don't know where to start. I spent time in St. Augustine from there I, from there I sit by the pool in Ormond by the Sea. Then to Daytona Beach where I spent my time overlooking the ocean. I walked on my friend's pier where we watched the dolphins swim. From there I was treated to a weekend at a Boca Raton resort. We had massages, drank high price coffee and had breakfast on the deck. I spent one Friday night in Orlando at the Voice of the Apostles conference. I received gifts of jewelry, clothing, and electronic gadgets, but most of all I received the gift of love. I missed my friends. The Lord is so tender toward me. My sister-in-law said to me, "Your friends spoil you." I told her, "My Abba spoil me!" 

I'm back home full of the joy of the Lord. I have my instructions from Jesus. I know what I'm to do. I enjoyed my R&R time to get back to work. My family in the building need what I have to give. Back to ministry. First things first, tomorrow I clean my apartment.

Fearless

Trembling Faith

Zep 3:17  The LORD thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing. 

Zep 3:18  I will gather them that are sorrowful for the solemn assembly, who are of thee, to whom the reproach of it was a burden. 

Zep 3:19  Behold, at that time I will undo all that afflict thee: and I will save her that halted, and gather her that was driven out; and I will get them praise and fame in every land where they have been put to shame. 

I'm still in Florida. All of last week we have been nonstop moving. Last week my sister from Chattanooga came down for our annual Sisters Weekend. We spent much of our time in the pool, and on the beach. We laughed hysterically, looked at old photos and reminisced.  Sisters Weekend lasted a whole week. All was good until I went to Orlando with a friend of mine. When I came back my sisters were annoyed at my sister-in-law. My sister-in-law came down with me. She lives in Detroit. When I was in Detroit, I went to visit her and my brother. Their marriage is in tatters. She was in the bed crying her eyes out. I prayed for her and I asked her to come to Lexington with me to get away for awhile. She made it a week before my Florida trip.

She mostly slept at my place. I didn't mind. I know how my Abba works, it is his plan to bring salvation to my brother household(something I have been praying for for years). She came to the bible study and had a great time. She started calling the people who attend the study, my cute little family. They are my cute little family. Before I left Lexington to come to Florida, Abba spoke to me and said for me to bring her to Florida with me that He would save her there and she will go back and be a light that would bring salvation to her family. He kept His word as I knew he would. On the first Sunday in Florida we attended my sister Jill's church. Lena went up during a altar call, and right there in front of all present he filled her with his precious Holy Spirit. 

I cried, mainly because He never cease to amaze me, and another is because He loves us so much. He's so faithful with His promises. All He ask of us is to hear His voice and follow him. I heard Him and I followed Him, Lena heard and followed. Since then we have been working in my sister Jill ministry. They recently moved into a new building. We have been helping in the decorating, and flag making. Lena look like a new person. She's radiantly beautiful with the Spirit of the Most High God. I on the other hand can't stop crying. My tears are not tears of sadness, but tears of joy that words cannot express.

I also know how easily a infant christian can be wounded by older more experienced Christians. As soon as I heard my sisters complaints about Lena, I went into overprotective mother hen modus-operandi. As much as I love my sisters I must admit they still need Jesus to cook them a little longer in their love walk. I called a good friend of mine and asked her if we could stay at her place for a couple of days. I know it's not time for us to leave yet. Abba need to strengthen us a little more. He's been dealing with me on a number of issues. I left my sister's home quickly. I must protect my Abba's babies.

Since I left Michigan and even before I went. I struggled with trusting Him with my child and grandchildren. I had beggy prayers concerning them. On my first week in Michigan my three year old granddaughter( my twin) and I were in the yard "killing mushroom," (her words). The Lord spoke to me and asked me if she was precious to me. My whole heart said, YES. She's so sweet and precious to me. He said, "she's more precious to me." Still a few weeks later I begged Him to keep them safe. I had got to the point of worry over my babies, all of them. They are my greatest blessings and I have to trust my Father with them as I take care of His babies, because that's His promise to me. If I take care of His and He will take care of mine.

The other thing He dealt with me about is calling what I do a bible study. He told me to call it what it is- a Ministry. Every time I said ministry I would correct myself and say bible study. I didn't check myself and ask why I did that. He told me why since I've been in Florida. He say I haven't fully committed myself to His work and if I say ministry that means It will cost me something, and if I said bible study I can walk away or quit whenever I felt like it. He told me he desires my whole-heart and from now on I must say ministry. I know that's one reason I was sent here. He emptied me on purpose. Jesus said we must first count up the cost. My cross has been heavy. I first had to get through my good christian friends getting on me for not having a church home or covering. In their eyes I'm a ragamuffin vigilante. No way could God send me. I trust Abba with that too. He will let me know when and where to go. They feel that I need to be like them, and never leave the comfort of being a church member. I should only witness and bring souls to someone else to teach them. They have spent the last twenty or thirty years in discipleship. I dare to follow Jesus and went to make more disciples. I stepped outside the church doors to a dying word. I walked past their whispers and frowns. It's not the first time I have had to do that. That's part of the cost of following Jesus.

I did have a dream yesterday. I was praying and I suddenly felt too tired to do anything, but lay down. I tried to work in my sisters yard. I almost fell out. My legs felt like lead. I realized that when this has happened in prayer before it was Abba's way of getting past the noise and monkey chatter in my head. He wanted me to sleep so that He could tell me something. I finally laid down. I had a dream of a ministry and even a name of a women who is to help and cover me. During the time that I have been in Florida the church next door to the building I live in has decided that we have to come to the church to have our bible study. We can no longer take their table and chairs. I have been worried and my faith has been trembling or "halted" faith for a few months now. Sometimes Abba has to wrestle the trembling out of us. Love never fails. He doesn't want me to tremble with fear that He might not do what He has promised. Or to fear being a failure. He wants our trust to be for the mere fact that we know He's faithful.

One of my friends here in Florida gave me the above scripture. He sings over us. He even has promises for me with my halting faith.

Fearless

My Florida Adventure 2

It's been six days since I took off on my Florida Adventure. On adventures you should always expect the unexpected. Living with the Holy Spirit is like an adventure. I never know what He's going to do. I prayed for refreshing while I'm away from the bible study. Lately I have felt empty in the bible study. It's been harder and harder to separate myself from ministry.To be honest the time with my family was hard. I went back to my people tired and desperately in need of some R&R.  I have an excellent spiritual support team in Florida. I call them for prayer, encouragement and to just let off steam. Right now I need to be surrounded by them.
Not to mention my love for the ocean. The beach is my favorite place to pray; it's the place I go to reflect on how small I am and how big my God is. It's easy to put things in perspective when I see the vast blue of the ocean and the sky.

Yesterday on my adventure my friend Wendy daughter planned are day. Our day started early. The first thing on her agenda was a trip to Ripley's Believe It or Not museum in St Augustine. We had a ball. We sit on a big wooden chair called a Love Meter. As soon as you put two quarter (of course you have to pay to check your love meter) the chair started shaking, your whole body gets shaken. I started to laugh hysterically because it tickled me, Wendy  kept rubbing her nose with her thumb and index finger saying "I feel it in my nose," Lena sit straight up as if being somehow soothed, and said "This is nice." My love meter ended on Tease, Wendy's ended on Cold, and Lena ended with Passionate. After that we took pictures with creepy looking wax figures. I took a picture with Alligator man. Some guy that hunted alligators and had a plate of false teeth made of gator teeth. Some of the things were creepy some very cool art work, like dresses made of news paper or jelly bean art and an all candy portrait of Elvis. The tour took us about two hours. We laughed the whole time. We had our hands dipped in hot wax and impression made from them.

After the tour we took a ride on the red train around the ST Augustine. We even went to the fountain of youth. There we met The Senator; a 600 year old oak. I thought I could probably use a small sip out of the fountain, but before I could get to it my eyes sighted one of the 35 peacocks that guard the area of the fountain. It's was magnificent in color and form. It never opened it's wing yet I was captivated by it's beauty. I figured the fountain was more myth than fact. It's just to many elderly people in St, Augustine. St Augustine brags of being the oldest continually occupied European city in the nation. It also boast of much bloodshed, We went on a daytime tour and a ghost tour at night. All most everywhere we stood we were told of some horrible battle or slaughter and how we were standing on once blood drenched ground. That felt creeping and weird and I couldn't help but wonder if like Abel whose brother Cain slew their blood was crying out from the ground. Each story made me sad. The story of the native Americans, the African slaves the French Huguenots. So much bloodshed in such a small place. Don't get me wrong it was a small rather quaint town, full of history and I loved the little shops and the horse and carriage rides, and all the little bed and breakfast. It also has some of the best restaurants, and the beach is huge.

However, the history only reminded me of the history of our nation, a history of hatred, injustice and vicious cruelty. So I started to pray and repent for all the innocent bloodshed of our nation. Not only on our soil, but the soil of many nations. America needs to repent.We need to fast and pray and turn to God with our whole heart. I disliked walking on ground someone else bled and died on. But it's there to remind us of that dark side of our nation. The side we overlook when we call ourselves a Christian nation. The side that stink in God's nostril. Despite the fact that I spent a great deal of my time praying we still had a great time in St. Augustine.
Fearless

My Florida Adventure

I'm in Florida. I have spent a couple of days getting reacquainted with the beach. I met up with one of my dearest friends Wendy. She moved from Florida to Boston a year before I left Florida. She visited me right before I was leaving to moved to Lexington. We sit at a restaurant named The Ocean Deck. On the Door it says. "No Ragamuffins or Cry Babies." I would have missed the fact that I wasn't allowed, being both ragamuffin and cry baby, but Wendy stopped me from entering. She looked at me and pointed to the sign and said, "Carlean you're not allowed." I told her it was blatant discrimination, I threaten to call a lawyer and sue. They must have heard my threat from the other side of the doors, because I got in without any trouble. The Maitre D laughed at me when I expressed my displeasure when he was seating us. Our favorite spot has always been the deck overlooking the Atlantic ocean. On the deck we usually eat coconut shrimp and a drink mojitos or margaritas. Abba said not to be drunk I don't think he begrudges us a drink. If you know you can't take a drink without getting drunk it's probably best not to touch it. Wendy always says, "We have a good life, don't we?" I will say."The best."

She live in an apartment on the beach in Boston. The day of the Boston Marathon bombing she called me before I could call her to let me know she's alright. Her friendship is one of the greatest blessing of my life. I love her like a sister. So, when she called and asked me to meet her in Florida. I did, even though my resources are limited and I have no idea when and how I will get home. My sister in law Lena is with me. Her and my brother are having problems at home. She needed to get away from her situation and breath. Her funds are limited as well. I told her and Wendy we're going top rename our trip. It's not a vacation. On vacation you plan ahead for lounging/sights to see/things to do. I call our trip an adventure and a faith trip. So far it has been great. We're camped out at Wendy's daughters home. They had a condo build in St. Augustine. It's beautiful. They have taken us to the best restaurants and to the beach. It's day four and we're really tried and old. Wendy has been sick and even though we talk on a regular basis, she has failed to tell me. I asked her why didn't she tell me she's sick,she said she didn't want to worry me. I don't know why it is that when we get sick we feel the need to protect the mental health of our love ones. I told her I would be fine, but I need to know what to pray for concerning her.

One of her daughters has a whole long day planned for us tomorrow, which include a trip to Ripley"s Believe it or not, a train ride, a zipline across a crocodile pond (which I adamantly refuse to do) and several other adventures. I don't have a clue what's going to happen. I do know we're off to a great start. Faith is blind and sometimes a whole lot of fun. Wendy and I just want to sit on the deck of the beach and reflex on how awesome our life is.

Fearless
(ziplining across crocodiles is foolish NOT Fearless)

My Wonderful Friends

Proverbs 17:17

Easy-to-Read Version (ERV)

17 A friend loves you all the time, but a brother was born to help in times of trouble.

I don't know if this happens to anyone else but, I sometimes wake with the Lord teaching me. Some of the lessons are long, some others short. I sometimes write what He says, but most time I'm still half sleep. I once told Him that He should wait until I'm fully awake, because I probably won't remember what He said. He told me it would come back when I needed it. Well, yesterday He was teaching me about love and friendship.

I have many friends. Friends from all walks of life. I have friends that are rich, friends that are poor, friends that are educated and uneducated. I have artsy friends and writer friends. I have friends that have disabilities and friends that help the disabled. Friends that are doctors, nurses and teachers. I have friends that are lawyers and factory worker. I have friend that use a whole lot of words to say very little. I have friends that say a whole lot with very little words. Each of my friends are different than me. The Lord told me that most people stick to friends that they have a lot in common with. He said people like to be around what is familiar to them. Most don't want to be stretched. It's easy to love those that are like-minded. Each of my friends are unique and wonderful.

However, it takes something of you to love those that are different. It takes kindness and patience to deal with those whom you don't normally associate. I once read that everything you do or learn in life is for the will and purpose of God. There are no coincidences in life. Last year while dealing with my nephew Kamau after his brain injury I went on the internet to learn words in sign language. I did it because Kamau was persistent. If he wanted something he would ask for it relentlessly. He refused to take no for an answer. Because what he asked for was NEVER conducive to his recovery. I would stick to what I said, which was mostly NO! although he would keep asking. So I decided one day to learn sign language, because I told Kamau I thought he must have problems with his hearing. I started with the word no, but I thought it was pretty funny so I would learn new words everyday. Kamau would laugh and learn sign with me. It was mostly a joke between us.

Recently a guy that lost his ability to hear in a school bus accident at age 14 has started coming to the bible study. His speech is slurred and unrecognizable. He can read lips, but he lost his glasses and it's difficult for him to read lips without them. He came to me after the study to communicate. I talked to him in broken sign language. However, I understood him better then anyone else. Those around me looked to me to interpret. What is amazing is I actually could. Somethings he had to repeat, but a lot I knew. All because I one day I wanted to make a point with my nephew. I wish I could say I learned sign for reasons other than the reason I chose. Although, my learning sign may have been for less than noble reasons, it was still God's will for me to learn.

God takes people of all color shape and size and make them family. His family. I never know what new challenges I may face, I do know that I am already equipped for each new challenge. I also know nothing is wasted in the kingdom of God, and there truly are no coincidences, only divine appointments and Abba wanting to stretch our love. I can't imagine living in a silent world or being ostracized because of it. My new friend faces these challenges everyday Yet he's upbeat and optimistic. He showed me how to sign I love God and I have Jesus in my heart. He's been kind and sweet to me. Even though our ability to communicate is limited by my inability to understand. I have found a new friend and brother in Christ. I have watched Him show the love of Christ in his actions and deeds, and truly I feel blessed to have met him.

Fearless

Righteous Right Hand

Isaiah 41:10

21st Century King James Version (KJ21)

10 fear thou not, for I am with thee; be not dismayed, for I am thy God. I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of My righteousness.

Several Years ago Abba spoke this scripture to me. I have always battled fear, even when He told me I had courage. I could never see myself as a person with courage. It's not easy to follow Jesus sometimes. I seem to always find myself making the difficult decision between obeying him or appeasing man. I used to be the worse kind of people-pleaser. I had a bad habit of apologizing to everyone that disliked or found-fault in me. I struggled with wanting to be accepted since my childhood. It started at home with my own siblings. It was easy to beat me down verbally. I have always been sensitive to others feeling. I couldn't deliberately verbally wound my siblings. I have lost many verbal disagreement. It was easy to make me the villain. I accepted the role without question. Like any abused person I believed it was my fault. That somehow I could be a better person.

Imagine my surprise every time Abba takes my side. Which is most every time someone comes up against me. Him the God of all of creation justifies me. Me, the one that justice alluded for most of my life. I still have to fight believing the lies spoken against me. I have to refuse to be that abused little girl. I have had to stop apologizing for being who Abba made me. It not always easy. If you hear negative words long enough, you'll start believing them.

I recently went through a very trying time with someone close to me. During the time I first learned of it I heard the Lord speak to me, "I have your back." I said to myself, "What now?!" I just want my life to be simple. I want to love and be loved. Jesus didn't say that the world would love us. On the contrary He said the world would hate us. Even though the person profess to be a Christian, her devotion is questionable at times. I'm not judging, trust me I can't judge anyone. I can judge others behavior though, how else can you know them by their fruit?

Abba told me what to do in the situation, but I hesitated, mainly because I was concerned what someone (another person involved) would think of me. For three or four days the Holy Spirit nudged me. I finally gave in. The one small seemingly insufficient thing changed the course of the situation. Even though all the hounds of hell seemed to be unleashed against me. I was lied on, talked about, things were said to discredit me. I was yelled at and told that I shouldn't have done the very thing I was instructed by the Holy Spirit to do. Although I knew better I, as I often do started to question my actions. Was I "Out of order?" 

I had to repent for not being obedient those first few days. I know I wasn't obeying the voice of my God. I was more concerned with the comfort of my flesh. Abba told me I should always, bring those thought captive. Anytime you hesitate or tell yourself "this can't be Abba, it must be me." to avoid uncomfortable confrontation or rejection, it's the voice of your flesh. Abba already knew what would happen. He had also already let me know He was on my side. I like that He speaks to me in a language the ghetto girl that I am understands. "I have your back." It means, I'm on your side and I won't let any enemy jump you from the behind or overtake you. It means He's faithful. He upholds me with the right hand of His righteousness. I'm still find the thought of being so completely loved unbelievable. Me, the one that everybody else rejected, being accepted, not only accepted, but desired. I'm the apple of His eye and that knowledge fills my eyes with tears.

When Abba speaks a word to you, hold on to it for dear life. He's faithful to do exactly what He promises(Over and over). He knows we can be fearful, uncertain. He's not worried. He will never lose control. He can get through all those thoughts that scream at us from our past. He told me I was more honorable than the other person. Me, honorable in the sight of My God. Who would have thought it?

Fearless

The Voice of God

John 10:2-5

Common English Bible (CEB)

2 The one who enters through the gate is the shepherd of the sheep. 3 The guard at the gate opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. 4 Whenever he has gathered all of his sheep, he goes before them and they follow him, because they know his voice. 5 They won’t follow a stranger but will run away because they don’t know the stranger’s voice.”

I had a great day today. I had a great time with the Lord. I had a wonderful time in prayer. Then I taught tonight. I had a full house. I spoke on hearing God's voice, again. Everyone was receptive and I could tell the Spirit of the living God was flowing through me. The Lord asked me to teach them to hear his voice. The first thing I asked them if they could hear from God. Of course you know all hands went up. I love this crowd though I know they're mostly carnal. I also know God's people have a hard time hearing from him outside of reading their bible. How do I know that?...I have been told by numerous believers. I know someone in the crowd wasn't being truthful. How do I know that? God asked me to teach His people how to hear his voice. Either He's confused or they're lying. I will venture to say they are lying since He's not the author of confusion.

I spoke on their need to get quite before the Lord. Just give him time to respond to their prayers. I asked them to turn off the television and anything that would distract from their time with the Lord. You would have thought I said swear words to them. Some of them come to me or call me and speak about television programs and characters as if I know them or care what is going on with them. I want to shout, "It not real, they're not real and I don't have a clue who you're talking about!" 

I don't. I just listen and respond as politely as possible in my ignorance.

Mainly because I know most of the people in the building look to the television for company. Most are lonely and don't have much family. We have become family to each other. I don't watch television very often. I will have coffee with one woman in the building each morning. I watch until my coffee is gone. I did watch Dancing with the Stars last season, for the first time ever. I watched it to be a friend to one of the women. She's a real sweetie and she's unable to do much because of her physical limitation. I watch television mainly to keep her company when her loneliness overwhelmed her. 

When I do watch television I am somewhat taken aback by what I see. Do we not have ANY censors? 

I was not asking them to throw away their televisions. I just asked them to learn how to discern his voice from the voice of their flesh and the voice of the enemy. I asked them when was the last time they just spent time with Him, just because you love Him. Anyone you love you spend as much time with them as possible. I am totally in love with Him and I have to get past the monkey chatter and clutter of my brain, before I can hear His voice. They're a reason He says to seek Him with our whole hearts. It's can be a struggle to crucify the flesh. However what you feed will grow. I made a choice to feed my spirit man. I still struggle with the little foxes of distractions. The flesh doesn't want to die, and the enemy doesn't want us to hear from our Abba. Our spirit man knows our God. Let feed our spirit the word of God. Lets be still and know that He is God. He wants to be Lord over every area of our lives. Socially, physically, relational, etc. Everything that concerns you. He said in ALL our ways acknowledge Him, and he will direct our path.

After bible study a few of them came up to me and said, "That was some good teaching." 

Wow, I'm scared!

Fearless

Twenty Five things about me

Okay, I have been asked on several occasions, via Facebook, message and email to write 25 things you didn't know about me.

1) I had a large collection of beanie babies for years.
2) I have slept in a twin bed since my husband died fourteen years ago.
3) I have a latex allergy and had to wear vinyl gloves even in surgeries
4) I never won a beauty contest, but I won a Halloween ugly contest
5) On my 23rd birthday I drank three long island ice teas and entered a wet tee shirt contest
6) I won a wet tee shirt contest on my 23rd birthday.
7) I wear socks to bed.
8) I buy pajamas and snuggle up in the bed when my faith is being tested. I call them faith pajamas
9) I own a lot of faith pajamas
10) The first boy that ever told me he loved me was drunk when he said it.
11) The last man that told me he loved me was drunk when he said it.
12) I rock when I eat.
13) I can play the cup song with or without a cup.
14) The beach makes me ridiculously happy.
15) I like Jacuzzi's better than swimming pools.
16) My family used to call me Ceedie Sally.
17) My name means strong and Father sees in Hebrew.
18) I'm obsessed with the color purple and always have been.
19) I detest the taste of tap water.
20) I like my own company.
21) I use to sleepwalk as a child.
22) My favorite book as a child was The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran
23) I have a keen sense of smell.
24) I sit with my legs folded Indian style.
25) I hate trying to think of 25 things about myself

Chasing Fireflies

I'm back in my apartment in Kentucky. The first thing I noticed about my apartment is how clean it is. I left feeling as if it needed cleaning. Not only was it clean; it was empty. Not because I lack furniture, I have furniture now. It's really beautiful but, empty of my children and grandchildren. There are no skinny love hungry arms wrapped around me. No chubby little toddler reaching to sit in my lap. My arms are empty. I never noticed the hollowness of my apartment before. I'm suffering with separation anxiety. I need my grandbabies and they need me.

 The day before I was to leave a friend of over thirty years made an observation concerning me. He said I have never had that great love or real love. He proceeded to tell me of his aunt who found happiness and love at the age seventy-five. I said I never give that much thought. I have accepted being single without any loneliness or longing. I am content being a minister, friend, sister, grandmother, daughter and mother. I have many people to love, but like any seed that you water (thought on to much) it started to take root.  By the time I got home to my empty, obsessively clean apartment, I had become (in my thoughts) a big love loser. The ugly duckling, undesirable one. It didn't help that my sister posted on her Facebook status that God has put a Godly man in her life. My sister has been married four times and has been in and out of relationships. I'm concerned about her with every new relationship, and each broken covenant. She once said I'm just jealous because no one wanted me, one of my other sister said the same thing to me a few times. I really was concerned for their souls. Do those who love me see something I don't see? Men do flirt with me, I just don't want to dishonor myself or my God. I spent the early years of my life looking for love in all the wrong places. I came to realize, it was always Jesus love that I was missing.

With that being said, I have been soul searching all day. What broke inside of me when my friend said I have never been loved? Why did my sisters hurtful remarks come back to haunt me? Why did I feel like such a loser? I have been perfectly happy loving my grandbabies, mom and children. I didn't feel loved starved or deprived. However, It didn't help that my sister is working on husband number five. I feel suddenly overwhelmed. My son's family is falling apart. He kept asking me to stay and help him fix it. Me, the master of problem solving and relationship fixing could not help him. He is causing the problem, but not intentionally. He works out of town and when he finally come home he spends his time with his friends drinking until he's obnoxious. He told me he doesn't know how to change and he tried and can't. I can't fix his problem. I can't kiss his booboo and make the pain go away. He asked me why God is always sending me to help other people and not my family. The only answer I had was, "I'm here now."

  My granddaughter asked me every night to go outside with her to catch fireflies. The problem is that there's a limited supply of fireflies in Detroit. With each failed attempt she would cry. She's ten years old, I thought her reaction was too over-the-top. I asked her what's wrong? She put her little arms around me and said, "grandma why do my mom and dad fight so much?" She went on to tell me about a vicious argument where he threatened to hit her mom. She told me she was scared and didn't go into the room even though her mom called for her. When her dad left without actual physical violence she went to her mom and asked her if she was okay. Her mom in her pain told her to "get out," she didn't try to help when she called. A year later she's still devastated by the whole incident. She said, "they don't love me." In a way we all struggle with feeling unloved one time or another. We chase our own elusive fireflies. When she said that I thought of how easy it is for a child her age to feel unloved. I thought about me at her age.

I was nine or ten the year I started chasing fireflies. I lived in Lawrenceburg Kentucky with my great aunt and uncle and their teenage daughter. My dad had been sent to prison a year or so before. One day my aunt and uncle came to town. My sibling and I were all called into the living room of my grandmother's house. I remember getting chose or feeling like I was picked out of the crowd. Like the wild awkward puppy that's to adorable to pass up. Not long after that I was told I was going to visit with them for awhile.I had never been away from my mother or sibling before. I was scared and felt awkward and unsure of them. I think my only saving grace was my cousin Sheila their daughter. She was beautiful and I loved her. I followed her around like a puppy. I wanted to look like her and act like her. I was the sad little puppy begging for love.

In Lawrenceburg the fireflies were plenty. I caught them by the dozen, but like my granddaughter I cried for those elusive fireflies. I didn't know why I was sent away, why my mom and dad just didn't love or want me anymore. I acted out and misbehaved. Aunt Maude didn't spare the rod, but she did hold me when the fireflies got away. She had a way of helping through my rejection, fear and anxiety. She always knew what to say to catch those slippery fireflies. I held my grand baby and reassured her she is loved. I caught those slippery fireflies. I thought about Aunt Maude a lot while I was with my granddaughter. I am the same age aunt Maude was back then. She was my second mother and I miss her. I can only pray to be what she was to me, to my granddaughter. I told my granddaughter about her. Mainly because of her influence I am the woman I am today. I just didn't know it until recently. I think those shifty fireflies of rejection flew past me today, but now I know that I am loved. I am beloved.

God gave me a scripture to pray regarding my son. Proverbs 11:21 Though they join hand to hand, the wicked shall not be unpunished: but the descendants of the righteous shall be delivered. 

Fearless

I have been in Michigan for about a month. I was planning to come this weekend and spend a couple of weeks with my grandchildren. I never intended to come as early as I did. The decision was made to come earlier, with a three o'clock AM call from my crying hysterically mother. I can think of nothing worse then to hear my mother crying, though I may have caused her many tears. I know it's bad news, I could hear my heartbeat as I waited for her to be able to tell me what had happened. I kept saying what's wrong mama? After a few more heart-wrenching sobs, she said, Janet died! Her last sister and the one she has always been closest to. This is the second sister she lost this year and the fourth in three years. She said, "I have buried my whole family." I can only imagine the depth of her pain. I couldn't find words to comfort her, so I spoke the first thought that came to my head, "It's not your whole family." I regretted those words as soon as they came out of my mouth. I know my words sounded selfish, shallow and uncaring. I did care, I cared deeply I just didn't know how to comfort her from such a distance. I wanted to hug her; to hold her in my arms the way she did me whenever I needed comforting. Hugs doesn't require proper words or sound for that matter just the closeness of someone that loves you.

So, I came the next day. I find out right before I come to Michigan that my mother has hurt her back and has been on a bedpan for a week. I talk to her several times a week, she never mention her injury to me. Slowly our rolls are reversing. I always heard this would happen, I just didn't think it would be so soon. I have four sisters, but I think I have always been the one being prepped for caregiver. That's okay with me, I love my mother. I came in took charge(even over my brothers with much protest). Within the first week I had her back on her feet. I held her at the funeral, she cried loud and from her heart. I cried with her, there were no words..none were needed.

Fearless

Never Forsaken

Hebrews 13:5

Common English Bible (CEB)

⁵ Your way of life should be free from the love of money, and you should be content with what you have. After all, he has said, I will never leave you or forsake you.

Yesterday after writing in my prayer journal I decided to take a prayer walk. The one thing that was on my mind was personal ambition. I guess personal ambition is on my mind because, my sister Jill called me from Florida. Her and my friend Robbin just moved into new homes. Expensive new homes. Jill and her husband are starting a new business. Robbin is expanding her dental practice and is about to open another office. They are excited and can't wait for me to visit. They're arguing over whom I will stay with when I get there. Jill asked me what it is I want, because Abba was blessing them so. The question took me back. I couldn't think of anything, but I want to do His will. I want to be in His good, perfect and pleasing will.

That kind of made me wonder when my mindset changed. I used to go from one thing to another trying to figure out what it is I wanted from this life. I no longer have any personal ambition? Does He want me to have it? I find that I am content. I no longer feel the need to look into the future or own the best. That never really worked for me, plus it made me miss experiencing the moment I was in. Now, I wake each day happy; to have another day and to have people to love and to be loved. I tell my sister Claudia, "This is the best day EVER." I was riding in my brother in laws car listening to old Motown songs. Just enjoying the moment, the company and life. I realized that's what life is all about; moments of contentment and fellowship.

Don't get me wrong I haven't dropped out of society, but I have dropped out of the rat race. Things are no longer important to me, however people are. Most of the things I purchased in the past were not for me at all, but a pretense of a level of success for others to see. It was a lonely empty sham. I was always preoccupied with with trying to obtain the thing that would satisfy me. I was always disappointed and empty. It was always Jesus I desired. I just didn't always know it was Him.

I know I am suppose to write a book. I know that because Jesus asked me will I write for Him. I said yes I will do anything for you. I had second and third thoughts about it since then. Mostly fear, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of rejection and criticism. Now that I get all of that on a regular basis, I no longer have anything to fear. I realize that even writing isn't a personal ambition. I do want to be a yielded instrument in Abba hand, but that's after many years of running from His call. I never wanted to teach, preach or anything that would put me in front of people. I still struggle with shyness, although people tell me they can't tell when they hear me public speak. I can tell-it takes a good five minutes for my voice to stop cracking from nervousness. 

I'm glad I finally have found contentment in life. It's only the Holy Spirit that helped me to accomplish that. I do wonder if I have hid some secret desire of my heart. I know Abba knows, I just wish I did. I do know I'm not forsaken. That's enough for this moment.

Fearless

No Greater Love

John 15:12-13

Common English Bible (CEB)

¹² This is my commandment: love each other just as I have loved you. ¹³ No one has greater love than to give up one’s life for one’s friends.

The last few days have been rough with a capital R. The guy who told me the story of watching his mom murdered, and being raped in the orphanage had a major relapse. He was drunk and unruly for five days. I probably wouldn't have noticed if he would have stayed in his apartment, but he knocked on my door at least twenty times a day. It stared on Wednesday and ended last night; with me taking his beer and vodka from him.

When he knocked on my door most of the time he left before I could get to the door. He left a gift of food behind each time. A package of hamburger, a bag of canned goods, package of microwave popcorn, chicken etc. I didn't know who was leaving me food, and wonder if someone in the building heard I was starving. Which I'm not, on the contrary I can afford to miss a few meals. I asked one of my neighbors that happened to be passing by, as I stood in the doorway with a gallon of milk in my hands completely perplexed. He told me who had just walked away from my door.

I walked to the guys apartment and asked him to please stop giving me all his food, or I will feel compelled to cook to make sure he had something to eat. I don't mind feeding him the word of God, but I haven't cooked much since my husband's death and my son grew up. I can eat a hotpocket and feed my whole family. I know this might sound lazy, but I don't have a problem with it. I cook when I have a taste for something special or once or twice a week on a good week.He insisted that I keep it, because "You prayed for me, and anyone that prays for me can have anything I own."

He's one of the nicest people I have ever met, but one of the most broken. I grew up with an alcoholic/drug addicted father. I have had my own struggles in the past. I know first hand the hopelessness and pain, but I also know the chaos. It got worse and worse too. One day I thought he was sober enough to go to the market...big mistake! He seemed to have gotten drunker by the minute in the backseat of my brother-in-law's car. I probably wouldn't have taken him with us, but he was about to get in a cab to the market, and he asked to ride with us. He refused to shop, got lost, and I had to rescue him from two burly cops. That was day three. It got worse. One day he knocked on my door soaking wet, he said, "sis, I took a bath."I said, "In your clothes?" He assured me that was the best way to do it, as he could wash his clothes at the same time.

During the most chaotic moments I prayed. I prayed because I started to remind myself of that little girl that picked her daddy up from the front lawn. She was always scared, disappointed and ashamed. This time the only missing emotion for me was the shame. However it was very apparent that he was ashamed, he kept apologizing. He cried and felt as if he disappointed Abba, me and a few others in the building that call him friend. I assured him the only person he disappointed is himself.

Eight years ago Jesus called me his friend, the day before the council meeting that I was suppose to get, "beat-up" at, as I was studying the word I heard the Spirit say, people have to watch how they treat my friends. I didn't think He was talking about me since He mention what happened to people who came against Moses. I thought to myself, "He once called me His friend, but that was eight years ago. Mostly I thought of my many failures in the last eight years, surely I'm no longer His friend. A couple of days later He asked me why I try to put Him in time. Eight years is a long time to me, but nothing to Him. That was His way of letting me know I'm still His friend, and to remind me He lives in the eternal. I have a puny way of seeing things sometimes. Yesterday, when I thought I would lose the last remaining patient I possess with the guy, Jesus said to me, No greater love has anyone that they lay down there life for a friend.

I guess I have always thought that scripture was referring to Jesus sacrifice, which it was, but the word is always a two-edged sword. I went back and reread it. Jesus told the disciples he no longer called them servants, but He now call them friend. I didn't lose patience, I did however take the booze from the guy. Through all I had to endure in the last few days, I did have an opportunity to minister to the guy. He broke a few times and told me some of the things that has happened to him. He cried, but he tried not to. I told him to get it out, he has held other people sin to long. He finally said, "I was just a kid why wouldn't anyone love me?"

Today the Holy Spirit let me know that I'm the first person he has told most of his story to. I pray that his soul is liberated from the awfulness of his past. I think fifty years is long enough to hold it. I pray that I will learn when to be there, when to pull back, when to speak and when to listen. The guy told me the reason he told me his story is, because I'm holy and loving. I'm always amazed at how others view me. It's not like I don't tell my story in the bible study. I'm so far from holy, and I'm just learning how to love.

During these last few weeks, I have had several melt-downs. I cried to Abba, "these people are in bad shape they need healing and deliverance. I told him I'm not qualified he should get someone else. He told me it's His work, and to yield to Him. I wrote a long-winded, crybaby email to my pastors wife. They moved to Israel a few years ago. She wrote back several times even though she was in flight back to Israel from Florida. She said I was pastor to the people at the bible study. I think that scared me more then anything I have dealt with recently. I don't mind the thought of running a bible study. It feel more flexible. I can stop and leave at anytime. I can quit without notice, give up, throw in the towel. I never replied to her last email, nor did I pray about it.  I guess I should encourage the souls from the bible study to find a nice church to attend. I did at first, but many are church hurt. One woman when I first met her she said, " I hate it when people try to force religion on me." She's one of the most faithful and loving.

I guess we are all grasping in dark murky waters looking for a lifeline. We need each other. We have to go from being a bench warmer in the church to a friend of Jesus, and His friends lay down their lives for Him, because He laid down his life for his friends.

Fearless

Fill up the Lack

Colossians 1:24

New King James Version (NKJV)

²⁴ I now rejoice in my sufferings for you, and fill up in my flesh what is lacking in the afflictions of Christ, for the sake of His body, which is the church,

The council members had our emergency meeting today, the regular people didn't show up. We had members that haven't participated since I've been secretary. People that the nosy lady can control. It was an awful attack on me, subtle and vicious. Mostly by the nosy lady. She slipped up at the end by telling a big woman that is battling cancer, that she glad she didn't "beat anyone up at the meeting." I had prayed before the meeting so I held my dignity. One of the women she got to come to the meeting is a dear sweet lady that gave me a set of dishes when I first moved in, another comes to the bible study regularly, both were really late for the meeting and trying to appease her without offending me, the other (the big lady fighting cancer) she actually did the same, but said more then the others. I took notes, made a suggestion that we should have an annual cook-out on one of the summer holidays for the residents that don't have family. Ms. Nosy veto it with the most hateful look one can imagine. Still I held my peace. Before long the meeting was over.

I walked back to my apartment, a little hurt and kind of mad. I was mad at that last comment, "beat anyone up." Of course my flesh wanted to challenged her to try it, but I don't walk after the flesh, but I walk in the Spirit. I tried to make a phone call to talk about my accusers but my phone hung up, I want to say by accident, but I know who hung it up. I just said, okay, I'm bringing it to you. I prayed some more. Then I walked to the guys who told me about his sisters being raped at the orphanage. I had an overwhelming urge to go pray for him. He was drinking vodka and having real issues. He told me he was raped too. I have known that since the day Jesus told me about all the pee-stained mattresses he sit and cried on. The guy also told me he watched his mother murdered by a boyfriend for catching the guy molesting her eight year old daughter. My heart broke for him, I prayed with him and left. By the time I got back to my apartment I couldn't feel anger for any of them. All I could feel is the suffering I felt the day Jesus told me about their past. All I have in me is His love.

I think I finally understand what Paul is saying in Colossians 1:24 I understand the suffering, I know mine is small compared to Paul's and really small compared to Jesus's, but at the same time it's not small, because I feel His pain. It's intense and I feel it in the pit of my stomach. This is the actually the third time this pain has happened to me. Once, when I had to minster to a group of street women. His love and pain for them was so intense I spent the night crying in a fetal position. The next time it was after I wrote the story of being raped, he told me he's going to use that story to set many free. I spent three days in that fetal position. My friend Melodie visited me during that time. She told me it's a blessing, because I was "travailing." She said she wish she could feel it. At that point I wished the same thing, anybody but me. It didn't feel like a blessing at that time. The third was a couple of weeks ago concerning the people in the building. It's not easy to share in His suffering, but that's the only way we can reign with him.

I did go to nosy lady's apartment to give my resignation from the council. I just don't need the aggravation. Ms Nosy has the spirit of the mean girl or bully. I confronted it head-on. She cried and denied everything. I told her I was not angry, I'm just not for childish games. She went on to try to combat what I was saying by complimenting me, like the pharisees did Jesus. I wasn't having it, I called that demon for what it is. I asked if I could pray, all the time I was praying she was making petitions for Abba to tell me she was not guilty of what I said (she did), she screamed loud with tears, It was sad and awful. I hugged her and told her I love her, I really do. I didn't resign, only because Abba told me not to during the prayer. I did things Jesus's way. I had something against her so I went to her. She came up against God and lost. I know it wasn't me. I think I may have finally gotten it right, but not without a whole lot of help from the Holy Spirit. It's His work, I'm just a vessel, a big glob of clay being molded by the Potter. I do rejoice in my suffering it's what makes us beautiful.

I walked downstairs and yet another women from the bible study, whose not apart of the council came to me and asked how the meeting went. She has never asked me anything about the meetings or taken any interest in them. Apparently she had heard of the conspiracy against me. I told her it went well. Truly all is well.

Fearless

Preparing To Be Maligned

Last week the Holy Spirit spoke to me and said, "prepare to be maligned." I thought to myself, oh no! To be honest I'm not really good at being lied on and talked about. By not good I mean, I defend myself and get hurt feelings. I have been known to get feisty and mean too. Not to mention the way I call my mother, sisters and friends and trash the gossipers. Talk about a group of sharped tongued, quick-witted, vicious women. They make the gossipers sound like saints. I usually take comfort in the way my love ones defend and affirm me. It usually works for at least a minute or two, as soon as I hang up the phone the hurt in the pit of my stomach returns and I fight the back the tears-or not. However Abba wants me to bypass my calls and come to him with my pain. I know that's the right thing to do, but I sometimes have a hard time doing the right thing, No matter how many time He tells me it's him they are coming against,s it still feels like me. I'm such a crybaby sometimes.

My sister Claudia told me I have to develop tougher skin. She also advised me against the kind of verbal attacks that wound the gossiper. That don't seem fair! But I know she's right. I have to always remember that everyone that I come in contact with is a person Jesus died for and I'm His ambassador. I have to give up my right to be right and let him fight my battles. He once stopped me in the middle of my smart-ass defense and verbal insult that my quick-witted, genetic and environmental rearing afford me. As soon as I open my mouth Jesus said, " I never uttered a word." I know immediately that He didn't want me to defend myself, because He never defended Himself. I was predisposed to being a total smart-ass, but I shut up mid sentence.

As a young child of seven or eight after my dad went to prison, I thought I needed to be more grown up. I had to protect my mama from the neighborhood creeps that were always hitting on her. There was this one guy that was particularly annoying. He was considered a neighborhood good guy, but I knew he had bad intentions. He was always knocking with offerings of food, rides or any type of help he thought we needed. To say I despised him would be an understatement. One particular day during one of his many futile attempts at winning my mama heart, she had gotten really annoyed. I asked if she wanted me to get rid of him for her, she said, "yes." Me, never one to miss an opportunity to misbehave legally asked, "can I curse?" She must have really been annoyed that day, because she said "yes." Boy oh boy did I let him have it. "What the hell do you want? Why are you always knocking on our door? My mama not here! and if she was she don't want you, your buckets of chicken or anything else you have, now get your ass away from our door." My mama gave me a disapproving look, but not before I caught a twinkle of laughter in her eyes. My brothers and sisters were laughing hysterically. After that day I was unofficially declared the household smart ass. My job was to get rid of all annoying communicators whether it was would be suitors or bill collectors. I took my job seriously, although I was never allowed to say bad words again.

It's been years that Abba has worked on me to unlearn these crazy behavior patterns. Not long after that day I was sent to live in Kentucky with my great-aunt Maude, uncle Charles and my all time best big sister/cousin Sheila. They lived in a small quiet country town. Everyone knew each other, most went to church on Sunday. Sheila played the piano at church aunt Maude attended regularly. I was probably quiet and sweet the first few days, I have always been mostly shy, but it didn't take long for the hell-raising me to come out of hiding. Aunt Maude had no problem taking the strap to the backside of that little hell-raiser. I never got spanked for what I did, it was always something out-of-line that I said. I wasn't used to spanking as I never did anything I was told not to, but I was always allowed to say whatever came to mind. Years later aunt Maude told me some of the things I said, I was mortified. Despite the spankings I was loved by my new family, and because of aunt Maude I meet Jesus for the first time. He's been trying to keep that hell-raiser in check every since. I pray that during this maligning that I get it right, and realize that they really did do the same to Jesus, and it's not me, but the fact that I teach the unadulterated gospel that drives the talkers desire to discredit me.

The talking has started, one woman that has an IQ of 65 per her, called me stupid at least 3 times that I heard. The nosy lady is mad at me for changing the council annual memorial day yard sale until the first of June, I just thought it would be better to wait until the mostly senior and disabled people get a check in case they want to purchase anything, and for the neighborhood folk to not be busy doing other things on the holiday. She has called me twice in the last couple of days being completely nice-nasty. I'm almost certain she's bad-mouthing me. There's no telling who else is talking about me. I'm surrounded by wounded and hurting people, unfortunately wounded birds will peck you no matter how you love them. I just don't want to be ever found guilty of wounding them more. I just want to set my face like a flint, and look to Jesus the author and finisher of my faith. I want to love despite the ridicule and rejection.

Fearless

PS not defending myself is not one of my strong suits.

Comforted

Mat 5:4  Blessed are they that mourn! For they shall be comforted. 

I'm amazed at how fast the bible study is growing. I have fallen hopelessly in love with every toothless, wrinkled or weather-worn face. I have been teaching on the ministry of the Holy Spirit. I pray each of them receive this awesome gift Abba will freely given, to all who ask. I'm leaning more about these precious souls that Abba has trusted in my care this season. One guy told his story, he was raised in a Catholic orphanage, him and his three sisters, he said all of his sisters were raped. He said it was a horror story for all of them. He found it hard to believe in Jesus. One drunk night he stumbled into a tent revival and Jesus touched him, not only touched him, but filled him with His Holy Spirit. His brokenness lead him back to drinking. Yet he shows up sober, which might be his only sober day of the week.

The self-proclaimed devil's advocate said she was raped at the age of eleven. She didn't go any further with her story. I could see the raw pain in her face, though she sort of took on an attitude of bravado. She told this story to me when we were having lunch together one day.

One nice sweet lady told me she was kidnapped by a man she had befriended several months prior to his kidnapping her. He beat her black and blue and she managed to get away by jumping down a steep flight of stairs. If the assault was sexual too, she left that part out. 

One lady was beat and strangled by a husband that sexually assaulted her ten year old daughter by a previous relationship.

While they are telling me the stories, I look them in their eyes and tell them I'm sorry that they were treated so badly. I tell them they deserved to be loved and honored, and truly they do, but when I'm alone with Jesus, when no one is there to peek into my soul. I cry for their innocence being stolen, their trust being broken. I cry to Jesus to heal them, I cry to the Holy Spirit to comfort them, I cry to Abba redeem them.

When Jesus wanted to set me free from the pain of being raped, he told me to ask Him where He was when it happened. Finally He told me He was on that piss stained mattress with me crying. I wonder how many piss stained mattresses has he had to sit on crying. Jesus said He was there for each one of them and He held them even though they didn't know He was there. He saw it all, every detail no matter how small.

One day soon He going to wipe all the tears from our eyes. This time we will know He's there wiping our tears, that He's with us, and loves us, and has always loved us. 

Today I cry with Him.

Fearless

High Things

2Cor 10:4  For the weapons of our warfare are not fleshly, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds,
2Cor 10:5  pulling down imaginations and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought into the obedience of Christ;

Lately the Holy Spirit has been teaching me about strongholds. Of course me being the detail needing-question asking person I've always been. I looked up the word stronghold in the Thayer Greek Definitions Dictionary, I sometimes like their definition better than Strong Dictionary, that's just my own personal preference. This is their definition:  

ochurōma

Thayer Definition:

1) a castle, stronghold, fortress, fastness

2) anything on which one relies

2a) of the arguments and reasonings by which a disputant endeavours to fortify his opinion and defend it against his opponent.

It's basically a belief or system of beliefs that we hold on to, argue about, reason, hold ourselves prisoner to, rely on, and refuse to give up even though it exalts itself over the knowledge of God. I asked Abba to show me how strongholds work. I fell asleep soon after asking Him to show me how stronghold work. This is what I dreamed.

 I was with a friend and I went shopping for tools to build my house. I went to the mall three times and each time I got a new tool. I was the proud owner of brand new tools to build me a house. Each new tools was perfect to me. I had begun to work on my house when all of sudden I had a strong urge to do drugs. I knew the thoughts were crazy and harmful, but the desire was so strong I decided to look for drugs. Now me being an ex drug user I knew how dangerous the desires were, but still I wanted it. I realized I didn't know anyone that knew where to get drugs, so I went back to people I knew that still used drugs. My friend was with me and He keep trying to reason with me, but I keep telling Him I would only do drugs once and I could handle it. The thought of using drugs began to consume me. The more I reasoned the more I desired. Finally my friend gave me drugs. As soon as I did the drugs I realized I didn't want them nor did I need them. My friend asked me if I was happy now that I had drugs, I said, No. He asked what I would do now, and why did I do the drugs? I didn't have a physical need for drugs. I said get more drugs, He asked me with what? Since I didn't have anything accept my tools. I told him I would sale my tools. Then I woke up.

This is what I got out of the dream. As long as I believe there was something I needed or as long as I reasoned/ relied on and desired things that were no good for me, I would give in to my belief system. The tools were the things I truly need in order to live godly. I noticed how it was three tools, I think that represented the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit and/or Grace, The Blood of Jesus and Keys to the Kingdom. Lately I have asked about healing and deliverance. My friend was Jesus, he allowed me to have what I wanted because I refused His wisdom. Yet, he never left me, however giving into those desires would cost me everything I need to build my house. I would willingly give up my tools.

 Why is the body of Christ sick and full of addictions and let's face it, demons? He said it's strongholds. Us refusing to let go of our ungodly beliefs. If you believe the doctors are wiser than the scriptures, then you will believe God is unable to heal. Some Christian will argue that depression is a real clinical problem instead of a soul issue. Don't get me wrong I know anyone suffering depression really feels that darkness and despair. I challenge the origin of it. If God promise joy, than were does despair come from? I remember hopelessness and despair it used to be my constant companions. But the stronger man came and set me free.

Jesus told it in the parable of the strong man and stronger man after the pharisees accused him of casting out demons by the power of Beelzebul. He said the stronger man must first bind the strong man and take his spoil. The stronger man is IN us. He gave us the Keys, whatever we bind on earth is bound in heaven. Why can't we hold that truth? God is who he says He is. There is only two kind of people in this world, believers and nonbelievers. I believe he can heal, I believe he can deliver, I believe my sins are covered, I believe that greater works shall I do. It's time to renounce all those strongholds that make us rely on the world and the ways of the world for anything. It's not in a job, a doctor, wisdom of this world-which is foolishness to God or self-reliance. Our lives are in His hands. I asked God to make me a fool for Him like Paul and Peter. I didn't realize that meant going against the core of what we have come to believe. He told me if I would believe His word he will show me great and wonderful things. Dare to believe with me. Forget about the past, where you may have believed for someone's healing and they died or any unanswered prayer. Dare to believe He heals the sick and raises the dead, cast out demons, and saves the lost. Get rid of those strongholds that exalts itself over the knowledge of God.

Get over those high things. Dare to arise in the power and authority He has given us. Don't sale your tools for something that has no substance.

Fearless

All Things

1Cor 9:19  For though I am free from all, yet I have made myself servant to all, so that I might gain the more.
1Cor 9:20  And to the Jews I became as a Jew, so that I might gain the Jews. To those who are under the Law, I became as under the Law, so that I might gain those who are under the Law.
1Cor 9:21  To those who are outside Law, I became as outside Law (not being outside law to God, but under the Law to Christ), so that I might gain those who are outside Law.
1Cor 9:22  To the weak I became as the weak, so that I might gain the weak. I am made all things to all men, so that I might by all means save some.
1Co 9:23  And this I do for the sake of the gospel, so that I might be partaker of it with you.

The bible study is growing. It quickly went from twelve to sixteen even though a couple of people moved out the building. I have always been an introvert, shy, quiet and a loner. My sisters and brothers understand this about me. Not the people in the building. I had so many calls and knocks on my door today. It's not that I don't love them, I'm just not used so much company. I don't own a television or anything that could distract from my social awkwardness. I offer all I have, a snack, a cold drink and Jesus. Lots of Jesus.

I have somehow turned into a mediator, confidant, problem solver, the one who rebukes and chastises, a mother, an up-lifter, spiritual leader, and a friend of the sinner. It's happening so fast. Yet I realize it not I, but Christ that lives in me. I just wanted time alone with Jesus today. He wanted me too. He always wants me. He said, "Don't try to answer every call or you will get weary, teach them to depend on Me." It's Him they want. It's always Him we want, even when we don't know it. I'm not upset that they come to me looking for Him. I want to share Him. I want them to know the love that fills me to overflowing. I want them to taste an see. May be then they will understand my need to be alone with Him.

The come to me, the lame, elderly and mentally handicap, they come to me on oxygen or reeking of stale alcohol and cigarettes. I hug, I rebuke, I offer a cold drink, a snack, Jesus and love.

Fearless

Driving Out the Mocker

Pro 22:10  Drive out a mocker, and conflict will leave. Quarreling and abuse will stop.

My biggest critic came back to the bible study. It has been so peaceful without her. Everyone shares and participates. To be honest it has been joyful, everyone has been so sweet and respectful to one another. The glory of the Lord has rested over us. Then the self proclaimed devil's advocate showed up after a month. I felt a heaviness over the meeting, the people that usually laugh and share the most were quiet or half sharing. I could tell they did feel safe enough to openly share their struggles. These are people who normally over share.

I have been really distracted, slack in prayer and study. In others words I have been the disciple without discipline. I have however master several games on Facebook. I have grieved the Holy Spirit, how I know is I feel it in my belly. I told Abba that I know he wants my time and attention, but I didn't feel like praying. Prayer seemed impossible or tedious to me. I sometimes wonder why it's not a puff of smoke were I used to be. His grace really is without merit, and His love is endless. He told me the more of my real self I give Him the more of Himself He will give me. I get afraid that He going to get me for sure for some o the things I've told Him. Those our the times he sets me free from my bondage to sin. He's faithfully even when I'm not. That makes me love Him even more.

Okay, back to the mocker, even though I have been totally out of order I didn't want anymore chaos or opposition in the bible study. So I was searching through YouTube one day and I see this scripture that I hadn't thought about in years, so I wanted to hear what the YouTuber had to say, well she spoke on casing out or not dealing with the mocker. However it wasn't for a bible study, it was just in general, mostly saying don't allow anyone to abuse you. I thought to myself, "Yeah, she has verbally abused me I can cast her out, because it's in the word of God". I called my mama so I could run it by her. She told me I can't do that. I had to sit on my hands so I wouldn't hang up on her. I'm a respectful daughter so I listened to her. I gave her my best argument of why I should, I quoted the scripture, but she refused to listen.

I prayed, I mean really prayed. I prayed because I needed to. I prayed because I had to, but finally as I prayed it turned into because I want to. I realized that there is another proverb that would best describe the self proclaimed devil's advocate in my life. Proverb 27:17 As iron sharpens iron so does one person sharpen another. I actually need her in the bible study mainly because without her I didn't give them my best. And worse then that, I didn't give Abba my best. I know my best is always found on my knees with tears and supplication.

I thought I had escaped any backlash from her between bible studies. HA! She got me after the resident council meeting. First she told me she didn't like the fact that everyone was talking in the bible study, especially since I have such a hard time explaining the scripture. I didn't let her know that I had gotten a few complaints against her. I just looked her in the eyes and said, you know God can heal you of your breathing problem. She looked shocked and I walked away wondering if I chose the right proverb.

Fearless

Looking beyond what I see

Isaiah 45:22

New King James Version (NKJV)

²² “Look to Me, and be saved,
All you ends of the earth!
For I am God, and there is no other.

I know I haven't been here in for a few weeks. I've busy and not so busy. I have sought Abba face and hid from him at the same time. I have come to a deeper understanding of my nature of sin. Any righteousness I thought I possessed has been stripped from me. That filthy rag I waved like a banner has been snatched out of my left hand. I stand empty handed and in tears.

Those so called big sins-fornication, swearing, adultery, drunkenness, lying, etc-are not bigger than any other sin; they're just easier to spot. It's the little foxes that spoil the vine. It's arrogance, spiritual pride, bitterness, people-pleasing, and looking to myself that tries to steal the truth from my heart. They're subtle sins and secret faults. Since I started this new bible study, I have heard from Abba faithfully as to what he want me to teach on. As I type up the lesson; somethings I try to deleted, thinking (in all my people-pleasing) it will cause offense. The things I taught on has caused offense and I have been told off, disliked, looked on as if I was judging them, and told what I should teach. Little do my accusers know that as He gives me the words I'm the first to have to repent. I type with tears in my eyes not only for them but, for me as well. I realize it is never a light matter to teach His word and I can't lean unto my own understanding. The first thing He told me is not to lean unto my own understanding. I went out and bought a little silver ring with that scripture inscribed on it so that I could have a reminder of that fact.

Even as I tried not to offend and deleted scripture, He told me, "Put it back!"  For some reason I was reminded of a super bowl commercial from a couple of years ago. This small child slapped this guy that came to his home to date his mother. The man reached and grabbed one of the child's Doritos. The child slapped him and said, "put it back!" I put the scripture back and went on to teach it.  

One thing the criticism I have come under has made me realize; even if you stand firm and refuse to back down, it still has a way of making me reflect inside of myself. I went for two weeks asking myself, "Did I really confuse my listeners? Is it true I don't know what I'm doing? Should I teach what they tell me? Is my voice to loud? I wanted to feel effective and loved and not criticized and persecuted. As I reflected on me, I could only see my weakness and ignorance. I know all of my critics are right. I am small and weak, loud and uncertain, frail and fearful, little and insignificant. I'm not a theologian and of a learned tongue, I know nothing. I'm the least qualified of all. I remember all my sins. Nothing about me is ready to be used by such a Holy God. During the two weeks that I was reflecting inside of myself, Abba was quiet. His only words to me were, seek my face. Seeking Him became increasing difficult. I got distracted with the most meaningless stuff. I played silly games on Facebook, watched video of the wisdom of men, visited my neighbor to watch television. Finally, with tears in my eyes and beggy prayers I did seek Him with my heart. 

This is what he said:

"Look to me and be saved. I know you are small and weak. My strength is made perfect in your weakness. A bruised reed I will not crush. What you search for is all in Me. I am your portion. Look to Me and not to yourself. I have made you a watchman on the wall. I have caused your voice to be like a trumpet. If I show you that my children are blindly walking into a deep pit, do you whisper a warning? Do not look to yourself, look to me. I made you, I called you. I chose the weak things of this world to confound the wise. I am God and beside me there is no other. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand and all that come against you shall be ashamed. Fear not little one, you are mine. It's not you they hate it's me"

Look to Him, He's more then enough.I need Him more then ever before. Not to be a great teacher or loved by all, I need Him to be saved.  

Fearless