Looking beyond what I see

Isaiah 45:22

New King James Version (NKJV)

²² “Look to Me, and be saved,
All you ends of the earth!
For I am God, and there is no other.

I know I haven't been here in for a few weeks. I've busy and not so busy. I have sought Abba face and hid from him at the same time. I have come to a deeper understanding of my nature of sin. Any righteousness I thought I possessed has been stripped from me. That filthy rag I waved like a banner has been snatched out of my left hand. I stand empty handed and in tears.

Those so called big sins-fornication, swearing, adultery, drunkenness, lying, etc-are not bigger than any other sin; they're just easier to spot. It's the little foxes that spoil the vine. It's arrogance, spiritual pride, bitterness, people-pleasing, and looking to myself that tries to steal the truth from my heart. They're subtle sins and secret faults. Since I started this new bible study, I have heard from Abba faithfully as to what he want me to teach on. As I type up the lesson; somethings I try to deleted, thinking (in all my people-pleasing) it will cause offense. The things I taught on has caused offense and I have been told off, disliked, looked on as if I was judging them, and told what I should teach. Little do my accusers know that as He gives me the words I'm the first to have to repent. I type with tears in my eyes not only for them but, for me as well. I realize it is never a light matter to teach His word and I can't lean unto my own understanding. The first thing He told me is not to lean unto my own understanding. I went out and bought a little silver ring with that scripture inscribed on it so that I could have a reminder of that fact.

Even as I tried not to offend and deleted scripture, He told me, "Put it back!"  For some reason I was reminded of a super bowl commercial from a couple of years ago. This small child slapped this guy that came to his home to date his mother. The man reached and grabbed one of the child's Doritos. The child slapped him and said, "put it back!" I put the scripture back and went on to teach it.  

One thing the criticism I have come under has made me realize; even if you stand firm and refuse to back down, it still has a way of making me reflect inside of myself. I went for two weeks asking myself, "Did I really confuse my listeners? Is it true I don't know what I'm doing? Should I teach what they tell me? Is my voice to loud? I wanted to feel effective and loved and not criticized and persecuted. As I reflected on me, I could only see my weakness and ignorance. I know all of my critics are right. I am small and weak, loud and uncertain, frail and fearful, little and insignificant. I'm not a theologian and of a learned tongue, I know nothing. I'm the least qualified of all. I remember all my sins. Nothing about me is ready to be used by such a Holy God. During the two weeks that I was reflecting inside of myself, Abba was quiet. His only words to me were, seek my face. Seeking Him became increasing difficult. I got distracted with the most meaningless stuff. I played silly games on Facebook, watched video of the wisdom of men, visited my neighbor to watch television. Finally, with tears in my eyes and beggy prayers I did seek Him with my heart. 

This is what he said:

"Look to me and be saved. I know you are small and weak. My strength is made perfect in your weakness. A bruised reed I will not crush. What you search for is all in Me. I am your portion. Look to Me and not to yourself. I have made you a watchman on the wall. I have caused your voice to be like a trumpet. If I show you that my children are blindly walking into a deep pit, do you whisper a warning? Do not look to yourself, look to me. I made you, I called you. I chose the weak things of this world to confound the wise. I am God and beside me there is no other. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand and all that come against you shall be ashamed. Fear not little one, you are mine. It's not you they hate it's me"

Look to Him, He's more then enough.I need Him more then ever before. Not to be a great teacher or loved by all, I need Him to be saved.  

Fearless