Never Forsaken

Hebrews 13:5

Common English Bible (CEB)

⁵ Your way of life should be free from the love of money, and you should be content with what you have. After all, he has said, I will never leave you or forsake you.

Yesterday after writing in my prayer journal I decided to take a prayer walk. The one thing that was on my mind was personal ambition. I guess personal ambition is on my mind because, my sister Jill called me from Florida. Her and my friend Robbin just moved into new homes. Expensive new homes. Jill and her husband are starting a new business. Robbin is expanding her dental practice and is about to open another office. They are excited and can't wait for me to visit. They're arguing over whom I will stay with when I get there. Jill asked me what it is I want, because Abba was blessing them so. The question took me back. I couldn't think of anything, but I want to do His will. I want to be in His good, perfect and pleasing will.

That kind of made me wonder when my mindset changed. I used to go from one thing to another trying to figure out what it is I wanted from this life. I no longer have any personal ambition? Does He want me to have it? I find that I am content. I no longer feel the need to look into the future or own the best. That never really worked for me, plus it made me miss experiencing the moment I was in. Now, I wake each day happy; to have another day and to have people to love and to be loved. I tell my sister Claudia, "This is the best day EVER." I was riding in my brother in laws car listening to old Motown songs. Just enjoying the moment, the company and life. I realized that's what life is all about; moments of contentment and fellowship.

Don't get me wrong I haven't dropped out of society, but I have dropped out of the rat race. Things are no longer important to me, however people are. Most of the things I purchased in the past were not for me at all, but a pretense of a level of success for others to see. It was a lonely empty sham. I was always preoccupied with with trying to obtain the thing that would satisfy me. I was always disappointed and empty. It was always Jesus I desired. I just didn't always know it was Him.

I know I am suppose to write a book. I know that because Jesus asked me will I write for Him. I said yes I will do anything for you. I had second and third thoughts about it since then. Mostly fear, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of rejection and criticism. Now that I get all of that on a regular basis, I no longer have anything to fear. I realize that even writing isn't a personal ambition. I do want to be a yielded instrument in Abba hand, but that's after many years of running from His call. I never wanted to teach, preach or anything that would put me in front of people. I still struggle with shyness, although people tell me they can't tell when they hear me public speak. I can tell-it takes a good five minutes for my voice to stop cracking from nervousness. 

I'm glad I finally have found contentment in life. It's only the Holy Spirit that helped me to accomplish that. I do wonder if I have hid some secret desire of my heart. I know Abba knows, I just wish I did. I do know I'm not forsaken. That's enough for this moment.

Fearless