Chasing Fireflies

I'm back in my apartment in Kentucky. The first thing I noticed about my apartment is how clean it is. I left feeling as if it needed cleaning. Not only was it clean; it was empty. Not because I lack furniture, I have furniture now. It's really beautiful but, empty of my children and grandchildren. There are no skinny love hungry arms wrapped around me. No chubby little toddler reaching to sit in my lap. My arms are empty. I never noticed the hollowness of my apartment before. I'm suffering with separation anxiety. I need my grandbabies and they need me.

 The day before I was to leave a friend of over thirty years made an observation concerning me. He said I have never had that great love or real love. He proceeded to tell me of his aunt who found happiness and love at the age seventy-five. I said I never give that much thought. I have accepted being single without any loneliness or longing. I am content being a minister, friend, sister, grandmother, daughter and mother. I have many people to love, but like any seed that you water (thought on to much) it started to take root.  By the time I got home to my empty, obsessively clean apartment, I had become (in my thoughts) a big love loser. The ugly duckling, undesirable one. It didn't help that my sister posted on her Facebook status that God has put a Godly man in her life. My sister has been married four times and has been in and out of relationships. I'm concerned about her with every new relationship, and each broken covenant. She once said I'm just jealous because no one wanted me, one of my other sister said the same thing to me a few times. I really was concerned for their souls. Do those who love me see something I don't see? Men do flirt with me, I just don't want to dishonor myself or my God. I spent the early years of my life looking for love in all the wrong places. I came to realize, it was always Jesus love that I was missing.

With that being said, I have been soul searching all day. What broke inside of me when my friend said I have never been loved? Why did my sisters hurtful remarks come back to haunt me? Why did I feel like such a loser? I have been perfectly happy loving my grandbabies, mom and children. I didn't feel loved starved or deprived. However, It didn't help that my sister is working on husband number five. I feel suddenly overwhelmed. My son's family is falling apart. He kept asking me to stay and help him fix it. Me, the master of problem solving and relationship fixing could not help him. He is causing the problem, but not intentionally. He works out of town and when he finally come home he spends his time with his friends drinking until he's obnoxious. He told me he doesn't know how to change and he tried and can't. I can't fix his problem. I can't kiss his booboo and make the pain go away. He asked me why God is always sending me to help other people and not my family. The only answer I had was, "I'm here now."

  My granddaughter asked me every night to go outside with her to catch fireflies. The problem is that there's a limited supply of fireflies in Detroit. With each failed attempt she would cry. She's ten years old, I thought her reaction was too over-the-top. I asked her what's wrong? She put her little arms around me and said, "grandma why do my mom and dad fight so much?" She went on to tell me about a vicious argument where he threatened to hit her mom. She told me she was scared and didn't go into the room even though her mom called for her. When her dad left without actual physical violence she went to her mom and asked her if she was okay. Her mom in her pain told her to "get out," she didn't try to help when she called. A year later she's still devastated by the whole incident. She said, "they don't love me." In a way we all struggle with feeling unloved one time or another. We chase our own elusive fireflies. When she said that I thought of how easy it is for a child her age to feel unloved. I thought about me at her age.

I was nine or ten the year I started chasing fireflies. I lived in Lawrenceburg Kentucky with my great aunt and uncle and their teenage daughter. My dad had been sent to prison a year or so before. One day my aunt and uncle came to town. My sibling and I were all called into the living room of my grandmother's house. I remember getting chose or feeling like I was picked out of the crowd. Like the wild awkward puppy that's to adorable to pass up. Not long after that I was told I was going to visit with them for awhile.I had never been away from my mother or sibling before. I was scared and felt awkward and unsure of them. I think my only saving grace was my cousin Sheila their daughter. She was beautiful and I loved her. I followed her around like a puppy. I wanted to look like her and act like her. I was the sad little puppy begging for love.

In Lawrenceburg the fireflies were plenty. I caught them by the dozen, but like my granddaughter I cried for those elusive fireflies. I didn't know why I was sent away, why my mom and dad just didn't love or want me anymore. I acted out and misbehaved. Aunt Maude didn't spare the rod, but she did hold me when the fireflies got away. She had a way of helping through my rejection, fear and anxiety. She always knew what to say to catch those slippery fireflies. I held my grand baby and reassured her she is loved. I caught those slippery fireflies. I thought about Aunt Maude a lot while I was with my granddaughter. I am the same age aunt Maude was back then. She was my second mother and I miss her. I can only pray to be what she was to me, to my granddaughter. I told my granddaughter about her. Mainly because of her influence I am the woman I am today. I just didn't know it until recently. I think those shifty fireflies of rejection flew past me today, but now I know that I am loved. I am beloved.

God gave me a scripture to pray regarding my son. Proverbs 11:21 Though they join hand to hand, the wicked shall not be unpunished: but the descendants of the righteous shall be delivered. 

Fearless