When I was a child I used to spin around in a circle until I got dizzy. I would fall to the ground and look up at the clouds and watch them spin. I would repeat this game until I would feel nauseated and have to quit before I lost my last meal. My brother Jimmy told me that the earth moved continuously and we had to spin to feel it. He also told me that we could dig a hole to China. We attempted that feat once, my grandma made us pick a switch ourselves for the spanking we got when she saw the hole we made in the backyard; not to mention the time she had trying to clean the dirt out of my hair. However it's the spinning I've been reflecting on today...
That's what my life feels like lately as if I'm spinning in one big circle and I'm falling to the ground dizzy, trying to feel the earth move. I'm a stranger in this land, a sojourner in a place that is not my home. Everything feels foreign, even my emotions seem counterfeit. I do the same things, but I'm strangely detached. I pray and ..nothing. No lighthearted banter from the lover of my soul, no stern rebukes just this unbearable silence. This silence is terrifying, I try to remember his last words to me. My mind is so crowded with the debris of self-pity and doubt the words just refuse to come to me. I scan the bible in hopes of finding a scripture that would alleviate my suffering; a word to draw faith from..nothing. I feel so empty right now, alone in a place where no one knows my name. All I want is Jesus; I want to dwell in his presence and remove my shoes because I'm on holy ground..nothing.
He is silent and like David my plea is please don't take your holy spirit from me. Where are you Lord? I know he will never leave me or forsake me, but his silence unbearable...no it's not the silence that I can't bear, it's my thoughts that I can not bear. Every fear that I have ever entertained has made an unannounced appearance to fill the void of this silence. I keep spinning in a circle going from faith to fear and back again. I'm dizzy and falling, the earth is moving and I'm just laying on the ground looking up. I'm waiting to be able to rise again.
