Once again I'm moving to yet another apartment. Last month I gave away all my furniture that has been in storage for a year and a half in Florida. I got tired of paying each month for furniture I could not afford to transfer across several states. I sat down today, and started thinking about how many times I've started over. I first moved away from home at the age of eighteen. When most girls my age are starting college, I was starting a family. I had a live-in boyfriend named John and our son Jason.
I was young and immature, but responsible. I still remember the darkness of those days. the fights, the verbal abuse that John heaped on me by the truck loads. I took it trying to keep my family together. Like most abused women I tried to be perfect, although my mind, will and emotions were in complete chaos, and most days my tiny young body badly bruised. We both worked and sometimes two jobs. We drank cheap liquor and fought on the weekends. From outward opinion we were the perfect young couple. We had a well kept beautiful house(that my grandmother gave me) a new Lincoln Continental and we were always buying the latest gadgets. Inwardly we both were fighting our own demons. One night after eight years I left taking only my son and the clothes on my back. Against all odds I got a three bedroom ranch style house that same night. It was fully furnished.
That was my first time, this is the fourth. The next three were not as painful or dramatic, but each time I've been like the character "Much Afraid," in the allegory Hinds Feet for High Places.
.
The apartment has a two year waiting list and I got it in two weeks. I thought I would have time to at least save some cash or pay off some credit. I should have known better. God spoke to me and said that he needed me to give myself over to prayer, fasting and studying his word. I guess my time with my sister and her children are over. I'm only moving a mile and a half away. The children are sad to see me go. They begged me to stay. It is hard to say no to them. I learned a long time ago you have to be willing to let all else go to follow Jesus. He wants all of me. Even in an empty apartment.
It doesn't matter: I will follow Jesus anywhere and under any conditions. We're in the season of God's High Holy days. It has taken me quite a few days to finish this post. Mostly, because the packing and moving. Then I had to get the internet setup in my apartment. I know it's no coincidence that I get these complete changes during that started on the Week of Rosh Hashanah( New Beginnings) and during The Ten Days of Repentance before Yom Kippur(Day of Atonement).
I knew the apartment building was renovated for the elderly and disabled. Though I have been medically discharged from working for two years; my mind never really registered that I am now considered disabled. One small heart issue and now I have a new label, more challenges to face, more prejudice to overcome, but worse than that I have my own prejudice to overcome. When I filled out the application for the apartment. There were no residents in the hall. When I moved in there's several people in the hall in wheelchairs and on walkers. I thought about my life a few short years ago and even in the last couple of years. I thought about the apartment I lived in a couple of years ago, with pool, exercise room, and Jacuzzi for young yuppies. I complained as if I were going into a nursing home. I told my sister it was the smell of disinfect and, "old people,"that bothered me most, but really it's pride and prejudice. I hate it when those little foxes that hide in my heart show up. It's hard to come face to face with my own sin. It's much easier to look at someone else and find fault.
I wish I could say I was grateful, humble and praising God for my blessings.
I wasn't...
I'm glad I get ten days of repentance, I need each one of them.
Fearless
I was young and immature, but responsible. I still remember the darkness of those days. the fights, the verbal abuse that John heaped on me by the truck loads. I took it trying to keep my family together. Like most abused women I tried to be perfect, although my mind, will and emotions were in complete chaos, and most days my tiny young body badly bruised. We both worked and sometimes two jobs. We drank cheap liquor and fought on the weekends. From outward opinion we were the perfect young couple. We had a well kept beautiful house(that my grandmother gave me) a new Lincoln Continental and we were always buying the latest gadgets. Inwardly we both were fighting our own demons. One night after eight years I left taking only my son and the clothes on my back. Against all odds I got a three bedroom ranch style house that same night. It was fully furnished.
That was my first time, this is the fourth. The next three were not as painful or dramatic, but each time I've been like the character "Much Afraid," in the allegory Hinds Feet for High Places.
.
The apartment has a two year waiting list and I got it in two weeks. I thought I would have time to at least save some cash or pay off some credit. I should have known better. God spoke to me and said that he needed me to give myself over to prayer, fasting and studying his word. I guess my time with my sister and her children are over. I'm only moving a mile and a half away. The children are sad to see me go. They begged me to stay. It is hard to say no to them. I learned a long time ago you have to be willing to let all else go to follow Jesus. He wants all of me. Even in an empty apartment.
It doesn't matter: I will follow Jesus anywhere and under any conditions. We're in the season of God's High Holy days. It has taken me quite a few days to finish this post. Mostly, because the packing and moving. Then I had to get the internet setup in my apartment. I know it's no coincidence that I get these complete changes during that started on the Week of Rosh Hashanah( New Beginnings) and during The Ten Days of Repentance before Yom Kippur(Day of Atonement).
I knew the apartment building was renovated for the elderly and disabled. Though I have been medically discharged from working for two years; my mind never really registered that I am now considered disabled. One small heart issue and now I have a new label, more challenges to face, more prejudice to overcome, but worse than that I have my own prejudice to overcome. When I filled out the application for the apartment. There were no residents in the hall. When I moved in there's several people in the hall in wheelchairs and on walkers. I thought about my life a few short years ago and even in the last couple of years. I thought about the apartment I lived in a couple of years ago, with pool, exercise room, and Jacuzzi for young yuppies. I complained as if I were going into a nursing home. I told my sister it was the smell of disinfect and, "old people,"that bothered me most, but really it's pride and prejudice. I hate it when those little foxes that hide in my heart show up. It's hard to come face to face with my own sin. It's much easier to look at someone else and find fault.
I wish I could say I was grateful, humble and praising God for my blessings.
I wasn't...
I'm glad I get ten days of repentance, I need each one of them.
Fearless
2 comments:
Can I just say what a relief to find someone who actually knows what theyre talking about on the internet. You definitely know how to bring an issue to light and make it important. More people need to read this and understand this side of the story. I cant believe youre not more popular because you definitely have the gift.
:)
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