Incredibly Flawed

Ephesians 3:8World English Bible (WEB)

8 To me, the very least of all saints, was this grace given, to preach to the Gentiles the unsearchable riches of Christ,

I know I haven't blogged in a long time. That doesn't mean I haven't been writing.My life had got so difficult. I had allowed the wrong people into my inner circle. I ignored what the Spirit was telling me. I had gotten complacent and carnal. I had nothing to share. I felt hard and callous. I became a product of my environment. I had let my guard down and took off my armour. I played a dangerous game. I got really sick, I could hardly walk, my blood work was off. The doctors thought I might have Leukemia, Multiple Sclerosis, Lupus, or Rheumatoid Arthritis. They found a huge tumor in my left ovary, I had to have surgery. My body was under attack, my faith was being tested. I took the pain pills they gave me until my body couldn't do without them. I was captured and shackled by the evil one. The flock Abba gave me were being scattered. The bible says strike the shepherd and the sheep will scatter. 

Abba told me this would be the year of Faith, Hope, and Love for me. I was persuaded by a charming and handsome man. I thought he was the one. We got engaged within a month. He was persistent, although I could see his words and his action didn't match. Something was wrong and I knew it. There was witchcraft involved I couldn't get my mind together. I tried to get through the fog. My strength faltered. I cried out for strength. I was told, "My Grace is sufficient, My Strength is made perfect in weakness. A prophet must be subject to another prophet." Then it hit me, no wonder I have vision and dreams. The prophet at the church kept making me sit in the pulpit and he called me a prophet. I went searching for another prophet. I thought I had to find this prophet. I was left lost and weaker. 

I broke off the engagement when I found out he had many women he was dating. I had helped him by writing some things for him for this council he had gotten involved in. They were having a red carpet banquet that I had wrote the proposal for. I wanted to attend. The only problem was I didn't want to show up alone. I had only two weeks to find a date. I have had this tower build around me for so long. Even the one I had gotten engaged to didn't break all the way through. I went to my mama for three weeks to get my thoughts together. I knew it was over when I got back. I told him my trip will either make us or break us. It broke us, he broke covenant with me. He went to other women to be satisfied because would allow me to do what he wanted. I can't say I was heartbroken, but I did feel some type of way. 

With the banquet approaching; I found a beautiful gown to wear. I pondered if I should purchase the gown without a date. I just thought I would look like such a loser by myself. I was on Facebook one day when I saw that some of my friends had liked Steve Harvey's dating site Delightful.com. Then with all the pettiness a carnal mind can give you, I made me a free profile. I wrote about myself, I did tell the truth about me, what I wasn't so honest about is the fact that I wasn't really looking for a relationship. When asked what I was looking for, I said Marriage, serious relationship, travel partner, casual relationship, friendship or even a penpal. I felt bad about the marriage and serious relationship part. I hoped no one would come to me wanting what I wasn't really willing to give. I got hundreds of hits in just a couple of days. However, I couldn't see who or what unless I pay for a subscription. I wrestled with the idea for a couple of days. I was offered a discount. Twenty dollars for one month. Since I was a desperate woman with an agenda, I paid.

I met many men quickly. They were coming fast. They wanted to get to know me. They all lived far away, I wanted someone local. Many gave me their phone numbers. One in men kept writing to me, I didn't even bother to read what he had written, I made the excuse of washing my hair to not call him. He kept writing me. I was irritated with him for being so persistent. I finally wrote back to him that I was going to call but realized the time and thought it was too late to call anyone, which was the truth. I called him shortly after that, mostly because he was kind. I wasted no time telling him why I was on the site. He volunteered to be my date as long as I didn't get him killed. Even though he went along with my pettiness, it was something about him that I found intense. He had read my profile. He knew things about me, he checked me on a few things. He seemed to see through my facade, he asked questions and made statements that left me feeling vulnerable and irritated. However, he was willing to come hundreds of miles to meet me and go to the banquet. I was spiritually weak and petty. I asked him how tall he was. I asked questions as if I was purchasing some slave; as if I was going to check his teeth. My date had to be what I thought was perfect. He was headed to his class reunion and willing to make a pit stop to visit me. I decided against the banquet and opt to go on a vacation to Florida.

He still was insisting on visiting me, I said yes. Mainly because he was so kind and not really judging my pettiness. He came after I put him off all day. I was so busy taking care of so many around me. I went to many doctor appointments with others. I was finally pain-free and free of the pills that had held me captive for so many months. I went back to hiding behind being busy taking care of people. I ran from real commitment. Real commitment means allowing accountability, vulnerability, transparency, we have to be willing to let our flaws show. I'm incredibly flawed. The day he was scheduled to arrive, I had so much to do. I'm president of the residential council and the following day I had a bake sale planned. My week was so full I had no time for myself. I was being harrassed by a couple of the women dealing with my now ex-fiance. I feel overwhelmed and haggard. I'm not trying to impress him at all. My apartment needs cleaning, my hair is growing and hanging down my back unkept.

He calls and says he's ten minutes away. I'm on the other end talking to my best friend since high school. I tell her about him, she's confused as to why I haven't mentioned him before since we had been speaking every day since I ran into her while in Michigan a few months ago (When I visited my Mama). I told her I wasn't really interested in him. She has always had an insight into things, she's gifted from God. She said, "honey, you're going to like him. He's going to surprise you." I doubted her but before we could finish our conversation he called and say he was here. I went to meet him. He was in his trunk. When he came around the car and I laid eyes on him, my heart skipped a beat. His smile was beautiful, his countenance was warm and inviting. He has his arm stretched to greet me with a hug. I melt into his embrace, he's not a stranger or at least he doesn't feel like one. He pull away a little and hold me where he can look me directly in the eyes. 

I feel ashamed that I didn't comb my hair or fix myself or my apartment up. I know he sees me and I don't want God to expose all of my flaws. He does. We have a great time together, we have a quiet candlelight dinner. He asked questions that get to the heart of the matter. He's disarming me and I don't know how he's able to do what no one else can. He's stronger than me and I don't like it and I do. He sees my flaws, it's okay to know I'm  weak and pathetic as long as no one else know. He's a prophet and I didn't have to find him.
Since we met he has challenged me, supported me, encouraged me, made me feel incredibly capable. My ministry has gotten more fiery. If I never see him again he has already added tremendously to my life. I'm eternally grateful for Abba's grace and mercy, and for sending a prophet to speak the words that set me free. I'm working on several projects and I don't have time for a social life right now., but my heart is finally open and free. My greatest lesson in all of that I've been through is that it's alright to be incredibly flawed, sometimes Abba uses our character deflects to humble us and put us back on the right path.

Fearless