Lately, I have been thinking about my journey. I even started a new journal called "journey of self-discovery." Yes, that's right I'm looking for me.Not the person that sees all her many failures and defeats. I want to know the person that has vision and dreams. The one that trust Jesus so completely she was willing to move across the country to please Him. I know I'm her, but I realize I haven't given her a voice. Not her real voice. I have hidden behind busyness and helping other people. I didn't believe she could shine, at least not with my whole heart.
Today listening to the rain, Father God let me know that when I was eleven years old and living in Kentucky with my great Aunt and Uncle and my cousin; I begged my mother if I could come home, but what I was really doing is begging her to want me. She had just had my baby brother. I asked if I could come home and help her take care of the new baby. She agreed to let me come home.
I remember how she always made me take care of my baby brother. She handed me him when he cried when his diaper needed changing when he needed a bath. She reminded me that I came home to take care of him. Even though I resented having to do as much as I was made, it made me feel needed and I needed to be wanted. That's where I picked up this character defect. I have been a caregiver every since. It's no wonder I went into nursing as a career. Don't get me wrong nursing is and will always be a rewarding choice of careers. However, Father God let me know I have based my worth on how well I can take care of others and in the process I lost myself.
Now here I sit a blank canvas waiting to be colored. Father said I was made to shine and not to carry others on my back. Once again I'm stripped of a character defect and false sense of identity. I am fearfully and wonderfully made but who am I really?
Today listening to the rain, Father God let me know that when I was eleven years old and living in Kentucky with my great Aunt and Uncle and my cousin; I begged my mother if I could come home, but what I was really doing is begging her to want me. She had just had my baby brother. I asked if I could come home and help her take care of the new baby. She agreed to let me come home.
I remember how she always made me take care of my baby brother. She handed me him when he cried when his diaper needed changing when he needed a bath. She reminded me that I came home to take care of him. Even though I resented having to do as much as I was made, it made me feel needed and I needed to be wanted. That's where I picked up this character defect. I have been a caregiver every since. It's no wonder I went into nursing as a career. Don't get me wrong nursing is and will always be a rewarding choice of careers. However, Father God let me know I have based my worth on how well I can take care of others and in the process I lost myself.
Now here I sit a blank canvas waiting to be colored. Father said I was made to shine and not to carry others on my back. Once again I'm stripped of a character defect and false sense of identity. I am fearfully and wonderfully made but who am I really?
Psalm 139:14-16World English Bible (WEB)
14 I will give thanks to you,
for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Your works are wonderful.
My soul knows that very well.
15 My frame wasn’t hidden from you,
when I was made in secret,
woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my body.
In your book they were all written,
the days that were ordained for me,
when as yet there were none of them.
for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Your works are wonderful.
My soul knows that very well.
15 My frame wasn’t hidden from you,
when I was made in secret,
woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my body.
In your book they were all written,
the days that were ordained for me,
when as yet there were none of them.
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:)
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