Does Anybody Hear Her?

Today I feel discombobulated; a tangled mass of raw emotions. For the last couple of days I have questioned my judgment, I ran to feeling that I ran from more than half my life ago. Life is strange and full of twist, turns,and heartaches that spring up without my permission. Past pains and regrets slowly creep in the corridors of my heart, they walk out of their hiding place and reintroduce themselves to me. And I remember what I tried to forget.

I remember that young woman.

He loved her and thought she was beautiful.

She hid her face from him. Her face housed her eyes and her eyes held all of her secrets. Her secrets were all she had left of that carefree girl she used to be. They were her's and her's alone. How could she tell him she was tainted? That someone had spoiled her. That the man before him that should have loved her beat her black and blue. That her own father abandoned her and didn't protect her. Would he understand that when she looked in the mirror she didn't see a beautiful young woman. How could she articulate that she was unattractive and unlovable?

He loved her and wanted to marry her.

She kept her mask in place. She didn't want him to know she was ugly and ruined. She said "Yes, she would marry him." She loves him and wants him to protect her; to keep the bad things out. The problem is the bad things are inside her. How can he evict an unwanted guess he can't see? How can he destroy the monsters under her bed when the monsters reside in her head?

He loved her and looked everywhere for her.

She ran away from his love, it was blind and unconditional, it was strange and uncomfortable to her. Her fear refused to let her give into it, for fear of losing it. So, she ran with tears in her eyes and her mask still safely intact. How could she tell him she's unattractive and unlovable. Couldn't he see? Didn't he know the mirror she looks into is cracked and broken? She's a cistern that can not hold water? How can she tell him he's better off without her? She let him go to free him from her torment.

She ran and ran it was easier to run then to face her demons.

She loved him...

She let him go...

She's crying even as she types this.

Fearless