In The Waiting

It's been over a year since Yeshua (Jesus) took me off my job. Over a year of endless waiting for my life to begin; or this useless feeling to end. As hard as I try to feel some sort of sense of self-worth, dignity or pride nothing is forthcoming. I remember my grandma used to say she was stuck between a rock and a hard place. I wonder if this is the place she was talking about. I have not made a contribution to anyone. Two years ago the Lord told me to learn how to "Be" and he would "Do." I went on a quest to learn how to be, the problem was I had no idea what it was I was to be. I asked everyone that mentioned the Lord and "Be" in the same paragraph. Some said for me to "Be," myself others thought it meant "Be" still and some like me did not have a clue. Than one Saturday morning after only six months of soul searching Yeshua told me what it was I was to "Be." He said "Be"...loved. Yes, my beloved just want me to learn to be loved and only in that being could there ever be any doing. I must "Be" and he will "Do."Once again he's teaching me deep truth about ministry. I have to wait until I have something to give. There is a reservoir of grace that's big and bright. Like the apostle Paul I am blinded by that light and my own self-righteousness. I'm learning to let go of all that I think I have to offer to the ministry and become an empty vessels.

Every step I take has to be in total obedience to the Holy Spirit. I have nothing to give except my body as a living sacrifice and it must be holy and acceptable. I have learned in my waiting that I have been the problem and not the solution, the hold up of the ministry. Me in all my inability wanting some kind of control. Maybe even some vain glory. I have nothing to offer the world except what I have learned in my years of being that broken but much loved vessel. Like the children of Israel he passed by me and saw me polluted in my own blood and he said to me to live. It's only in that life that I can give life; that a ministry can birth and bring forth life. It's only in the receiving that I have anything to give.

I wait..

Fearless