In His Presence

Gen 3:8  And they heard the voice of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God among the trees of the garden.

I wrote a post earlier about His presence. As I was typing it just disappeared. I got irritated and laid down for a nap. I woke up with a crook in my neck. I decided to take a walk, I needed to clear my head. For one I couldn't remember what I had wrote. At first it felt like I was just typing letters hoping they would glide across the blank page; come together and make sense. Then I felt a real flow. His presence had come, then I lost it all.
This is what I can remember:

Lately I feel as if I go in and out of His presence. I'm searching for that abiding place. I guess I have been searching for that place most of my walk. My journey has lead me down many strange paths. I used to go from ministry to ministry chasing after a feeling. Hoping that this would be the big one; the one were genuine change would take place. Where there would be no more fighting my flesh. I looked for victory over sin's smelly embrace. No matter where I went or who laid their hands on me, I fought and most time lost the battle over my flesh. With ever loss I hid from his presence. I was the scared and ashamed to face my Abba.  I guess I wondered if each failure was the one that would make Him realize, that I'm a big disappointment.

That one never came. When I was a teen in my rebellious stage and no longer the perfect child that got straight A's and made the honor roll. My mom in her frustration over having to leave work to pick me up from school after another suspension, once called me a big disappointment. I guess those words cut deeper then I knew. One day Abba told me I will never be a disappointment to him. Those words dug into that old wound. They were the balm of Gilead to my wounded soul. I think I cried for a week after that conversation. That's the thing about wounds. Abba has to dig deep and cut out all the infection, then apply the balm. Still I searched in vain for that feeling of perfection. My mind knew I wouldn't find it on this side of eternity, my heart just didn't understand.

I would go anywhere I heard the presence of the Lord was. If a minster said run, I ran. If they said give to I couldn't pay my rent, I did. No price was to high to pay. I once searched around for hours on the ground looking for jewels from heaven( Don't judge me). I never found one. Things just seemed to go from abstruse to ridiculous. Nothing satisfied me. After awhile I would sit in services asking, is this it? Like Jason Upton says in this song, "somewhere on the journey I think I lost hold of the truth. Nothing really satisfies Like when you speak my name. So tell me that you'll never leave and everything will be ok. In your presence is where I belong." The more I searched with man the more frustrated I became. The more I cried out to God the more I realized he is inside of me.

He told me I need to stop relying on my feelings. My feelings are slick and greasy and change without warning. It's in his presence where the real change takes place; it's in our intimacy with Jesus. It all in Him. Christ in us, our hope of glory. He said we can come boldly to his throne of grace, to obtain mercy and receive grace in time of trouble. I don't have to try and hide like Adam and Eve did. I can come to him naked and unafraid. My victory is not in perfection it's in the blood of Jesus. I realized there's only two kind of people. Dead in sin or dead to sin. I choose the latter. The more you dwell in his presence the least you want to sin.

Okay, that's not what I wrote earlier, but it's close. I think it may contain one or two of the same words. In defense of my memory "It's the same video!" Enjoy it, enjoy His presence.

Fearless