The Shrew!!

Okay, it's official I can't do anything right! As hard as I have tried to please my mommy I can't do it. I have been in Chattanooga for two weeks nursing my mother (who's sick from mold and unable to breath) and my oldest sister (who had back surgery). I get up early every morning and cut up fresh fruit, cook bacon and eggs or whatever they desire. Only to be told the fruit isn't sweet, the bacon to hard, the eggs too cold, etc, etc by my mother.

For a week straight I listened to her complain and waited on her as any dutiful daughter would do. There's nothing particularly self-sacrificing or honorable in serving your family when the need arrive. You do it because you love them. I however have been living alone for many years and have all but forgotten how to serve anyone else. My life has been simple, there has been no relationship that I had to post, "It's complicated," about. There is no husband or boyfriend not even a pet dog. I spent my days dreaming of remote villages in Africa where I would start and orphanage. In my dreams I'm always the selfless woman of God, fighting for the rights and freedom of the down-trodden. I'm the provider of love, the hero that saves the day.

Boy, am I full of delusions. It's strange how who we are and who we see ourselves as, are always at odds with each other. I'm not a injustice fighting hero. I'm a dreamer! I'm not selfless, I'm mostly selfish. I can't save the world, I'm working out my own soul salvation with true fear and trembling.

I made my mom a cup of tea this morning and she complained that I drink large cups of coffee and give her small cups of tea. I wasn't trying to deprive her of tea. Over the years I have sipped tea from tiny delicate china tea cups and drank coffee from mugs. My mother has had to sacrifice so much for her nine children. She has had to drink her tea in jelly jars or plastic cups. There was no delicate china for her or fancy church-lady teas with big hats, great manners and fake grins. It hasn't been an easy life for my mother. It's been only disappointment, faded dreams, hopes, pain and misery. If you want to know what happens to dreams deferred, look into an elderly black woman's eyes.

My mother's complaint in her eyes is legitimate. I, however must be the worse shrew God ever put breath into. I can't believe my actions after she made that one small assessment. I asked her if there was anything I could possible do right. Than I asked her if she could show just a little gratitude. I stormed out of the back door and sit alone of the balcony and cried. I am so ashamed of my actions. This week has taught me that I am human and very limited. I could never be a saint because being human is hard enough. I must rely on God for everything, even the grace to honor my mother.

Fearless