Wisdom

Pro 3:15 Wisdom is more valuable than precious jewels; nothing you want compares with her.

I don't know about anyone else, but I know I want a lot of things. I want to be rich, thin, beautiful, young and married would be nice. I'm not any of those things. I'm poor, slightly overweight, average looking, older and single. I have desires that were never fulfilled. I have dreams that never came to pass, but I have wisdom.

Some of the wisdom has come with age and experience; those came with a high price tag. I have made many bad choices and cried myself to sleep more then I care to remember. I lived foolishly for many years. I dwelt in the upmost parts of hell. I have wished for death but was afraid to die.

True wisdom came only when I stopped running from Jesus. I remember when the realization came to me. I lay naked except for a paper gown in a room that was padded in soft but smelly rubber. I had made an half hearted attempt at sliting my wrist. I say half hearted because truly I wanted help more then I wanted to die. It took eight big burly guards to hold me down and strip me. I fought with everything I had left inside of me which wasn't much. I had walked away from Jesus. I started doing drugs on a full scale bases.

My life had lost all meaning, I was only existing. I thought God must surely hate me now. I hated myself. Sometimes we create God in our own image. We make him petty and self-centered, unloving and judgmental. I had no self-esteem or self-worth and my little god had no use for me. I saw through a cracked and distorted mirror and I thought God peeked into that same broken glass.

I went into the store and looked into a camera and stole something on purpose. The security asked me one question, "Why?" All I could do is tell him it was because I wanted someone to help me. Later that night I made my cry for help. I was tired of holding on to the guilt I felt after my husband murder. If I was not such a horrible person, he would still be alive. I was tired of living with the shame of being raped as a teen-ager. I took the fault for that one too. Guilt and shame hung off of me like a cheap suit. Unworthiness was my constant companion. Grace followed me into that padded room, that's the strange thing about grace there's no where it will not go to find you.

I laid in that padded cell and cried to my Abba. I begged him to help me. I asked him what was wrong with me? What was so broke inside of me that I would walk away from his love. I remembered that girl that he found covered in the filth of her sins. He didn't judge me or condemn me. He picked me up, washed me clean. He covered me with his love. I knew back then what I had forgotten. God loves me! He loved me and I walked away.

I cried and asked for forgiveness, I asked for healing, I asked for wisdom. I asked him to accept me back and clean me up again. I asked for a sign that he forgives me, that he heard my prayers. I promised not to run from what he asked me to do. He said, tell my people about me. He simply asked me to tell the truth.

The bible says the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. I do fear him. I fear that he will take his spirit from me. That if I'm foolish enough to walk way again that I wont make it back to him. I fear he will talk stop talking to me. I fear the fact that without him life is not worth living. Without him is truly death. I fear of being separated from him eternally.

The next morning I woke to a woman standing over me with a bible in her hand. I knew at that moment all the pain and heartache, unworthiness was over. It's been a long hard road but, he healed me, delivered me, gave me the wisdom and self-worth to make better decisions. He set me free!

I love him so much because he first loved me.

Fearless