Stumbling upon Faith...again

Heb 11:6  But without faith no one can please God. We must believe that God is real and that he rewards everyone who searches for him.

Yesterday I had a meeting that could bring some financial release to me. I really need it. I need it so badly I started thinking on everything that could go wrong. The night before the meeting I was suddenly gripped with fear. I woke with the same fear. After a brief (and I do mean brief) prayer I went to my meeting. I went into the meeting trying to fake a confidence that I didn't feel. Before long I broke into a cold sweat. Fear and dread accompanied me to the meeting. I hate when that happens.

I know that fear and dread have haunted me most of my life. My natural life anyway. I sometimes still struggle with that little girl of an alcoholic/drug addict father, she waits for disappointment and for the shoe to drop, the bottom to fall out. She's so insecure and afraid. Then in the meeting the unthinkable happened; a computer glitch! I have to wait two more days for any news. I left the meeting in a panic. I called Georgia, California and Florida to my prayer partners. I was desperate and emotional. They were all busy, one was in the bathroom, one at work and the other at the doctors. The one in the bathroom listen to the panic in my voice. I kept saying one word..."Pray!"

She told me to wait until she used the bathroom. Personally I didn't see anything wrong with her praying while on the john. Just because she had to take a crap doesn't mean God wouldn't hear her. Did she not hear the desperation in my voice? She hung up and told me she would call me back. I was left alone to pray for myself. It's hard to pray when you let go of your faith and grab the hand of fear. Fear really does have torment. 

I just started praying, mostly I repented and spoke only what the word of God said. In the meeting every fault I have came to my mind. I just wasn't good enough for God. I said a couple of swear words this week. I had the worse thoughts. I got to lazy to pray a few days. When that wasn't enough to condemn me I went back ten years of sin and messiness. The blood of Jesus stopped being enough for me. It was a vicious assault on my mind. I sometimes secretly believe I have to earn God's love, like the sad little girl of the alcoholic/drug addict.

He never tire of reassuring me of the contrary. He couldn't love me more, his love is perfect. I'm not hard to love, I don't have to be perfect to please him. He delights in me. I'm not a child of an alcoholic, but the child of the King. He has given me the keys to the Kingdom. I don't have to stand out in the rain when I have the keys in my hand. He said, that when I pray for anyone else I pray with great faith, but not for me. He said to ASK, and it will be done. He told me to ask and rest. So that's what I did...and you know what? Perfect love really does cast out fear.

Fearless for real