Mouth almighty

I grew up in a family that expressed themselves. We were loud and voiced our opinions, every one of us in our own way. We were never stopped from expressing our feeling, whether it was hurt, disappointment, anger, joy or laughter. Feelings were never right or wrong, they were simply feelings. I remember once in my early teens, feeling unwanted and unloved, so I came up with the conclusion that I was adopted.

I decided to let my mother and grandmother know that I figured out the truth, and I didn't appreciate being taken from my "real" family to be unwanted and unloved by them. I stood in the middle of the living room floor as my captive audience looked on from the couch. I cried and told them everything they had done wrong to me--in my opinion. I cried "real" tears, nose running tears. My performance ended after about twenty minutes, I thought they had had enough and would be ready to repent of their evil deeds. They gave each other a quick glance, as if to say, "you want to take this or should I". My grandama won. She gave me a look of compassion and understanding. I had won... She said "Who told you ?, I told them not to tell". I stumped away muttering something about them "always trying to be funny".

They enrolled me in drama class shortly after that, I was good,too!

I told that story to say I was never taught how to hold my tongue, especially if I thought an injustice had occured against me or someone I loved. I was notorious for defending the underdog, and myself if pushed enough. I was so use to saying what I thought or felt, that when I went to stay with my grandma's sister the summer after the second grade; I was shocked and confused as to why I was being spanked for my "smart mouth". She gave me lots and lots of spankings... I never stopped.


I work in a place that If you visit every three months, you will meet a brand new staff, some don't stay that long. Several people went to lunch and never returned. There is always injustice, and there's me (mouth almighty). I never thought it was a bad thing, until Jesus whispered to me one morning as I was mentally preparing the nasty, cutting remarks I was going to make that day. He said "I never uttered a word"....Huh....what..."You want me to be quiet?"

I want to be like Jesus, I want to melt down and pour into the character of Jesus, I was made in the likeness and image of God, it shouldn't be this hard to keep my big mouth shut. It's been such a struggle for me. I had a few victories, I told everyone that would listen about them, but I lost more then I won. I seem to have a two day rule, I'll allow the injustice, verbal abuse and nit-picking to roll off my back for two days, then on the third day I'll let them have it with a barrage of words that would probably make a demon blush or very proud. Where does it come from, this fiend in me that would rather battle than exercise self-control. I can't help but feel there's some hidden place in my heart desperately in need of healing. When Jesus first said to me that he never uttered a word, I was quiet for two weeks. My boss came to me crying and apologized! I got two raises in two days!!

Today I got rude, nasty and mean, I feel awful; like a giant God-failure. And it hurt to fail God... I know all my well-meaning friends would tell me don't beat yourself up. I don't want to hear that! I want to know how to be obedient to the Father's will. I need to know how to love him enough to get pass my own discomfort. I need to know how to love others enough to see the person Jesus loves, even when they're being nasty, mean and rude. I need to know how to be like Jesus and not them. I need to repent and to cry. I need to get this right. I need to be still and quiet. My sister Jill and friend Melodie prayed with me and decreed a speak-no-evil fast. It will probably be easy for Melodie, it would be easier for me to give up food and water for forty days. I'm determined to do it though, I'll get it right this time.... I'll pray. I'm realizing that it's not about fighting injustice, it about a soul Jesus want to draw. It's about love and nothing else, (nothing).

Pray for me.