Singleness

My co-worker got married this weekend in Jamaica, I didn't go to the wedding, but she e-mailed me the pictures and they were perfect, The tropical outdoor background was a perfect match for her ivory knee length dress; trimmed in black. There appeared to be a soft ocean breeze that gently swayed the chiffon of her dress as they stared each other in the eyes and exchanged vows. She is stunningly beautiful, he is handsome; they are very much in love. It is perfect.

I am single. I've been single since the death of my husband eight years ago. After eight years, I still have not found comfort in my singleness. I have, however, found moments of contentment. I ask a lot of my single Christian friends, how to find comfort and I seem to get mixed messages. The younger ones encourage me to date, get out more, e-harmony; the older ones say I should be more spiritual and the desires for a mate will disappear. All advice is welcome, if not well received. I can't imagine myself on e-harmony with two-hundred choices(the mind games I would play with myself) or even worse having to resign myself to the lie that I don't desire a husband, because it's easier than saying none desire me.

I look at the photos of my co-worker and see perfection for a day. I realize that after the wedding there is real life; and in real life there will be hurt, disappointment, disagreements and a constant exercise in forgiveness. Then I wonder if I should adopt a cat. He could curl up beside me to comfort me in times of loneliness and distress. We could share a meager meal of tuna as I tell him about my day. It would be perfect.

There is a stigma attached to being single in the body of Christ; an unspoken insinuation that you are not whole. Some times it comes in the form of a look, a gentle pat on the shoulder and some times it's voiced in an awkward attempt at match-making. It's hard to find comfort when others around you are so uncomfortable...I am content, satisfied in the knowledge that I'm not alone, I'm loved and desired... I matter and I belong. My hope is eternal, where one day there will no longer be singleness, but unity. All united as one, a bride.... His bride.. Yes my bridegroom waits in anticipation for his his bride; he waits for me, for us..It will be perfect!!