Jeremiah 2:5 Thus saith the LORD, What iniquity have your fathers found in me, that they are gone far from me, and have walked after vanity, and are become vain?
I took a few days off from blogging, but I am back. Anyway the rest of the story:
RECAP: That Friday night I get thrown off the alter and probably for good reason. I was annoyed at the stinky breath pastor that was praying for me. I never spoke louder then a whisper but I did challenge her so called spiritual authority. I didn't like anyone twisting my words. She disliked my challenge. So off the alter I was thrown.
I left the church that night feeling vulnerable, hurt and embarrassed. I couldn't sleep that night. The Lord is talking, my spirit is troubled. the LORD tells me he caused the scene that left me shaking my head and troubled because I compromised. I told him that I didn't find it in the least bit humorous. He let me know it wasn't funny and he gave me that scripture (even though I didn't know until later that it was scripture) and told me to go back and ask them "what iniquity did they find in him that they would go far from him and walk after vanity and become vain. I wrestle with him all weekend. He would listen to my protest but not relent. I said I wasn't the right person to send I just got out of rehab, they wouldn't listen to me. I beg him to send some holy vessel that they would respect, they threw me off the alter, they would probably stone me like Stephen( I mention the stoning of Stephen every time he sends me on a mission; it's my hold card I try to play a mind game with GOD it's my way of saying if you love me you wouldn't send me to a hostile crowd..It never works! I was chosen. He has chosen the weak thing of the world.
Sunday morning comes. I wake-up shaking; my stomach is nervous but I'm determined to do as instructed. I'm on the way to the church. The closer I get the more the butterflies in my stomach dance. By the time I get to the door of the church I'm sure they're having a rough and tumble break-dance contest. I walk in to the church wondering if anyone remembers I was the horrible person thrown off the alter just a couple of nights ago. No one greets me. I'm a stranger, a lone soldier and once again I don't belong.
I sit and silently pray. I don't know when or how to say what I have to say. Do I say it during praise and worship? Do I stand to give a testimony and say it? Do I scream out like a crazy women like I did when they grabbed the injured guy? I don't have an instruction manual. I change my mind about saying it. LORD please don't be mad at me but I don't want to say anything bad to people.. Give me something good to say. He said "Everything I say is good." I tell him I don't know when to say it, so I ask him for a fleece like Gideon. If you really want me to say it then make a way for me to talk to the apostle. The congregation is singing a beautiful song. I can't remember the words verbatim. The song was of deep longing to see Jesus face to face one day. I started crying. The tears were running uncontrollably down my cheeks. I didn't want them to see Jesus with their hearts far from him. I have to say it!
After praise and worship and testimony it was time to give an offering. I walk up to the front of the church in a nice neat line that the ushers had formed. I'm in the midst of the crowd. The Apostle reaches out to me and grab my hand as I give my offering and ask me am I "OKAY." I tell him I am fine but I need to talk to him. He says "Okay after service we will talk."
I started going over in my mind how to say what I had to say to him. Do I say the words and walk away? should I write it on a piece of paper hand it to him and run? do I say thus saith the LORD like I imagine Elijah would do? If they try to stone me can I call down fire from heaven?
Service end and I go to the Apostle he beckons the pastor and his wife that's over the congregation and ask them to talk to me. I wasn't aware that he didn't pastor the church. I never saw these two before. I turn to go with the pastor and his wife and she dismisses me with a wave of her hand and say "I don't have time for this. she walks away. Her rejection didn't bother me much. I was too focused on my assignment.
The pastor takes me to this little room slightly off from the alter. There's three or four others people in the room. I asked if we could go somewhere private he says it was okay to talk where we were at. I first asked him was he at the church on Friday and he said no. I asked did he know about the guy that got thrown out he said he heard about it (he probably heard about me too). I asked why they threw him out of the church in such a cruel manner. He said the Lord lets him and the apostle no what spirits to put out of the church. So I asked him if the LORD made the difference in which demons to cast out and which persons to cast out? Was he beyond deliverance? I said he never did anything? Why would he get cast out of the church, what was his crime? He told me he wasn't there it wasn't him. I said but you told me that the LORD lets you know whose beyond deliverance or not. So, tell me does the LORD tell you whose to far gone? He started getting loud and aggravated I see spittle shoot out of his mouth and there is fire in his eyes. I was no longer afraid. I was surprised by the wisdom that comes out of my mouth and the calm of my demeanor. After a little more discourse (I don't remember the words) He yells, since you're so smart tell me what the Lord said. It strange how you can fear a situation until you confront it. I looked in his eyes with my hands on my hip, head rolling, colored girl don't play attitude voice and said. "HE said ask my people what iniquity they found in me!He never let me finish, he shouted "that's stupid there's no iniquity in GOD". The Lord told me to walk away. I walked away in a hurry. I said Lord he's not the one that I should have talked to.
As I was walking out the door who but the apostle is sitting where I could walk right by him. That was not to be. He stopped me and asked if I was satisfied now that I had talked to the pastor. I sit down beside him and asked him if the injured guy had previously come in a caused a problem? He said no, I asked what did GOD mean when he said ask if they found iniquity in him. He said God is holy there's no iniquity in him. He said I belong at that church and demons was trying to stop me from attending. I asked him if in the future he threw someone out can I go behind them to check on them. He got angry and said "NO, THAT'S MY SIN." The Lord told me to walk away and don't go back until they ask me back. Years and years later I still haven't gotten an invite. I never went back and somehow I don't think I was missed.
Fearless
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:)
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