Proverbs 31:29-31New King James Version (NKJV)
29 “Many daughters have done well,
But you excel them all.”
30 Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing,
But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.
31 Give her of the fruit of her hands,
And let her own works praise her in the gates.
I'm in Michigan, a couple of months ago my mom got a cancer diagnosis. I had just come back from a cruise to Jamaica, Cayman Island, and Mexico. I got the call from her at the airport on my way home. Her doctor had told me he suspected she may have cancer but he was waiting on solid proof, another test result. He also let me know if it was true there's nothing that can be done for her. She insisted that I go on the cruise and she lied and told me the test was negative. I begged God not to take my mama, I still need her, I'm just a kid.
The airport is a weird place to get bad news. It hard to break down in a crowd of strangers. So you muster up all the strength in you and fight tears. There's no private place to cry so you silently slip into a bathroom stall and hope no one noticed the loud sniffing sound coming from your stall or the red-eyed woman emerging. I was with my oldest sister who was way calmer than I was. She had on her poker face. I don't own a poker face. My feeling has always been transparently obvious.Two days later I was in Michigan, sleepless and anxious. As soon as my sister Jill saw me she suggested I get some pills for anxiety. That was kind of funny to me, apparently I looked like I felt. I'm mentally unbalanced and unable to focus. The part that Jill didn't understand is that she had that exact same look on her face. I was trying to get her to lie down and rest and she was doing the same for me, except she wanted to use drugs on me. I was too far gone for a nap.
I went back home for a few weeks and now I'm back. At the same time, I'm trying to complete the task of writing a novel. Now I'm back in Michigan and I realize my mama is demanding, surly and not above-using guilt tactic to make sure she get all of my attention. It reminded me so much of how my grandmother treated her when she was sick before she died. I love my mother with everything in me, however, I'm not used to having to cater to someone else, especially to the very person that is being manipulative, complaining, and refusing me time to myself. Every time I think I have her together enough to sit and write or read on how to put this business together, she calls my name. "I didn't fill her ice cup totally, her pillow feels crooked, find something she lost, hand her the remote control, etc, etc. But the truth of the matter is, "whatever you do please don't leave my sight." The other night I went to help my childhood best-friend(who just moved) to unpack. My mama refused to eat or speak to me for hours when I returned.
A few years ago I was reading Proverbs 31, and like I often do, I asked Abba to make me a Proverb 31 woman. Of course with all the teaching I've ever heard or read on the subject, it consisted of being celibate as a single woman and waiting on this godly man. Cool, no problem I can do this. Needless to say, I struggled. I failed miserably for a short while. However, by his grace, I had finally gotten that part together, or so I thought (that's another story).
Lately, I have started to feel irritated at my mama. I don't want to feel that way, I want to be the person who selflessly sit by my mama's side with never an unkind thought. I want to be the person in my head when I made the decision to come here. Not the person that I'm becoming. I'm getting resentful in my thoughts, which is just as dishonoring as if I expressed them verbally to her in an unkind manner. Abba reads our thoughts, as well as our hearts. So, once again I have to give him the real me in prayer. Prayers that say please help me to honor my mama, she's getting on my nerves. I want to love her the way He requests but I can't without His grace.
He told me I requested to be a Proverb 31 woman and she look well into her household, brought a vineyard, perceived that her merchandise was good. I really read what I asked for, and I thought to myself. "Once again I didn't realize what I prayed for." Sometimes I feel tricked into asking for something. However, I know that it's His will for me. He told me He was answering my prayers. I read her candle doesn't go out at night, and she rise early to take care of her household. So she keeps long hours. She dresses up in linen and purple. Sells merchandise she made with her hands. The one thing she didn't do is eat the bread of idleness. I have to flow with my prayer and wait for Abba to do the rest. I disabled my Facebook since I only used it as idle time. I got rid of all that distracted me, and I'm looking carefully into how to utilized my time wisely and I thank God for allowing me to take care of my much-loved mama in her time of need.
Fearless
But you excel them all.”
30 Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing,
But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.
31 Give her of the fruit of her hands,
And let her own works praise her in the gates.
I'm in Michigan, a couple of months ago my mom got a cancer diagnosis. I had just come back from a cruise to Jamaica, Cayman Island, and Mexico. I got the call from her at the airport on my way home. Her doctor had told me he suspected she may have cancer but he was waiting on solid proof, another test result. He also let me know if it was true there's nothing that can be done for her. She insisted that I go on the cruise and she lied and told me the test was negative. I begged God not to take my mama, I still need her, I'm just a kid.
The airport is a weird place to get bad news. It hard to break down in a crowd of strangers. So you muster up all the strength in you and fight tears. There's no private place to cry so you silently slip into a bathroom stall and hope no one noticed the loud sniffing sound coming from your stall or the red-eyed woman emerging. I was with my oldest sister who was way calmer than I was. She had on her poker face. I don't own a poker face. My feeling has always been transparently obvious.Two days later I was in Michigan, sleepless and anxious. As soon as my sister Jill saw me she suggested I get some pills for anxiety. That was kind of funny to me, apparently I looked like I felt. I'm mentally unbalanced and unable to focus. The part that Jill didn't understand is that she had that exact same look on her face. I was trying to get her to lie down and rest and she was doing the same for me, except she wanted to use drugs on me. I was too far gone for a nap.
I went back home for a few weeks and now I'm back. At the same time, I'm trying to complete the task of writing a novel. Now I'm back in Michigan and I realize my mama is demanding, surly and not above-using guilt tactic to make sure she get all of my attention. It reminded me so much of how my grandmother treated her when she was sick before she died. I love my mother with everything in me, however, I'm not used to having to cater to someone else, especially to the very person that is being manipulative, complaining, and refusing me time to myself. Every time I think I have her together enough to sit and write or read on how to put this business together, she calls my name. "I didn't fill her ice cup totally, her pillow feels crooked, find something she lost, hand her the remote control, etc, etc. But the truth of the matter is, "whatever you do please don't leave my sight." The other night I went to help my childhood best-friend(who just moved) to unpack. My mama refused to eat or speak to me for hours when I returned.
A few years ago I was reading Proverbs 31, and like I often do, I asked Abba to make me a Proverb 31 woman. Of course with all the teaching I've ever heard or read on the subject, it consisted of being celibate as a single woman and waiting on this godly man. Cool, no problem I can do this. Needless to say, I struggled. I failed miserably for a short while. However, by his grace, I had finally gotten that part together, or so I thought (that's another story).
Lately, I have started to feel irritated at my mama. I don't want to feel that way, I want to be the person who selflessly sit by my mama's side with never an unkind thought. I want to be the person in my head when I made the decision to come here. Not the person that I'm becoming. I'm getting resentful in my thoughts, which is just as dishonoring as if I expressed them verbally to her in an unkind manner. Abba reads our thoughts, as well as our hearts. So, once again I have to give him the real me in prayer. Prayers that say please help me to honor my mama, she's getting on my nerves. I want to love her the way He requests but I can't without His grace.
He told me I requested to be a Proverb 31 woman and she look well into her household, brought a vineyard, perceived that her merchandise was good. I really read what I asked for, and I thought to myself. "Once again I didn't realize what I prayed for." Sometimes I feel tricked into asking for something. However, I know that it's His will for me. He told me He was answering my prayers. I read her candle doesn't go out at night, and she rise early to take care of her household. So she keeps long hours. She dresses up in linen and purple. Sells merchandise she made with her hands. The one thing she didn't do is eat the bread of idleness. I have to flow with my prayer and wait for Abba to do the rest. I disabled my Facebook since I only used it as idle time. I got rid of all that distracted me, and I'm looking carefully into how to utilized my time wisely and I thank God for allowing me to take care of my much-loved mama in her time of need.
Fearless
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