Lost My Friend

Revelation 14:13New King James Version (NKJV)

13 Then I heard a voice from heaven saying to me, “Write: ‘Blessed are the dead who die in the Lord from now on.’”

“Yes,” says the Spirit, “that they may rest from their labors, and their works follow them.”

I lost my friend Evelyn today. I can't believe she's gone. One of the ladies from the ministry called me this morning and told me that Evelyn was rushed to the hospital with back pain. I know she suffers from sciatica. I didn't think much of it. I made a mental note to call her when I had a moment. I had a thought to call her yesterday and didn't.

The apartment manager called me crying a few hours later. She told me Evelyn didn't make it. It took me a minute to focus. She mentioned Evelyn son, and sisters. I thought she just wanted them to know that she was rushed to the hospital. Then she said, "she didn't make it."

I haven't talked much on the phone lately, mostly because I don't have much free time. It's been over a week since I talked to Evelyn and we never go that long without a conversation. I have just been so busy. Usually, before someone leaves me I know it, but this one seriously caught me off guard.

I can't imagine life in Lexington without my friend. We went out to dinner at least twice a month. We shopped together, we prayed together, we talked about Jesus, she introduced me to other ministers in Lexington, we lived in the same building and she was a regular at the bible study. She was a minister, sister and friend.

Every time someone close to me dies I feel this strange void. No one can take their place. Something good ended and life will never be the same. I don't grieve like I use to when I know they died in Christ. I still grieve, I grieve for her only son, I grieve for her sisters and I grieve for me. I can't believe she's gone and I'm so far away. Evelyn, time here is over, she's resting from her labor. I'll see her again on the other side.

 A few days ago one of our neighbors called me to tell me it was a blizzard going on in Lexington, it's unseasonably warm in Michigan. I asked Abba why he chose this day to call Evelyn to rest. I pray for her only son. I have one son and I know how much that only son loves his mama. Our son's use to act just alike. Her son's name is Jaime and my son's name is Jason. They're two weeks a part in age. We called them brother from another mother. We had never met anyone with a son so much like each others son.

I can't imagine what he must be going through right now. I prayed for him and I just went and hugged my son. I'm going to miss my friend, but her son is probably devastated. The tears are flowing freely down my face, I have to go.

Fearless

Unending Love

1 Corinthians 13:8Worldwide English (New Testament) (WE)

8 Love never ends. The gift of speaking words from God will end. The gift of speaking in different tongues or languages will stop. The gift of knowing many things will end.

Abba had a nice long conversation with me regarding my love walk. In the last few years, there have been people around me and in my family that have been very cruel or backbiting, mean and vicious toward me. I thought I had let it go. Their cruelty is not in the forefront of my mind. However, Abba let me know that it has left unforgiveness in my heart. Just when I thought I have repented and now I'm good. He shines His light in yet another dark area in my life. I told Abba to shine the light on all the dark places in my heart. My heart really is deceitful and wicked like the scripture says.

Today, I yield my heart completely to His Holy Spirit. I don't want anything standing in the way of my love for Him. There's not a person in the world worth losing Him for. I prayed and He showed me who I had problems forgiving. I prayed in earnest for both of them. Abba told me, love, never end/fail. If He is love that means He never fails. It doesn't matter what people do to you.

My heart is so soft right now for those two people that I prayed with tears in my eyes for them. He's so good to me. There's nothing about me that He doesn't desire. He even accept my sinful heart, all we have to do is stop being self-righteous and tell the truth. He uses our confessions to change us. As long as we refuse to bring our mess to Him, is how long we stay in it. He desires an eternity with us. He died for us to bring our raggedy heart to Him. He said His new covenant was writing His Law in our heart. His love really is endless, regardless of our failure, pain or disaster. His love is eternal.

Fearless 

Law Of Kindness

Proverbs 31:26New King James Version (NKJV)

26 She opens her mouth with wisdom,
And on her tongue is the law of kindness.

I'm from a family of people that make fun of everything. Nothing is beyond their ability to make a joke out of. They can also be vicious gossips or just plain mean. I have always been too sensitive for this lot. They thought my soft heart was a weakness that needed to be laughed at or at least toughened up.

They have always been meaner to me than anyone else in the family. Lately, it's getting worse. I have a brother and my mom's baby brother who is my age that is really awful. They visit every day. When they visit they cook or eat. They always leave a mess, talk about my cooking, make jokes that I realize aren't funny they are mean. I try to cook enough for my mom to have leftovers. They said she never eats, she always ask me for seconds. I'm not saying that I'm the best cook, but I know that I am a good cook. However, I have never gotten anything from the male in my family but ridicule.

Every time I come to town I realize my brother is angry at me. He says I think I'm the boss over them.What it is is that I stop their foolishness toward my mom and have them help her, paint her home, mow her lawn, clean her basement etc. My one brother is so vicious toward me that he uses social media to express his hatefulness. I love my brother but I have been away from my family so long that I can see them for what they are truly doing. They are users, and verbally abusive. I have a very comical family, but some of them use humor to hurt. He's one of them.

Yesterday, he and I went to the grocery store for my mom. He grabbed the money and walked away before I could get to mom. She asked me to get her money from him because he will spend ten of her dollars on himself. I asked her why she gave it to him. She said he took it when she pulled it out. I knew it was going to be a problem. I told him that I was doing the meal planning and I know what is needed. I could feel the tension. However, I left him no choice. He gave me the money and the list.

On our way in he made a statement about mom not trusting me because of my past drug use. I told him I didn't live in the past and the one thing I don't allow in my life is someone holding me hostage to my past. I'm no longer the person that made mistakes in my twenties. And at my worst I never stole anything from anybody. I told him that she said she can't trust people in her life now, and I hope he's not one of them. I asked him what was his problem with me really because we don't live in a thirty year past. I need to know what I have done to offend him because I never meant to do that and we need to resolve this issue.

I always speak with kindness to my family. My son accused me of, looking and waiting to say something wise to him. I do that because I have to wait until I can get across to him what is needed to be said. I see Abba doing a work on my family. I just sometimes wish I didn't have to fight so hard to get the truth of God's word across to them.

I know I haven't been a perfect person. They don't know if they wanted to bring my imperfection to the surface they really don't have to reach that far back. I do love Abba and I boldly go to His throne of grace. The law of kindness is his law. The word for law in Proverb 31:26 is Torah which is God's teachings. The word for kindness is, Kindness toward God first, goodness, mercy, faithfulness, reproof, etc.

When confronted with his behavior, my brother went on the defensive. I told him, I only came to help. His behavior is making me feel a little bitter toward him. I had to go to God and asked him to give me the grace to walk in love toward my own family. Today all those bad feelings are gone. Abba told me when he sent me back to my family I would be a light. Even Jesus had a problem with his fleshly family and neighbors. He said a prophet is not without honor except in his own household and with his own family. The one thing I am used to is rejection, but so is Jesus.

I prayed and I heard the words of Proverb 31:26. My lesson on opening my mouth with wisdom and my tongue being the law of kindness. It doesn't matter if the unruly tongues of my family spit out bitter words. I have to open mine with wisdom and kindness.

Fearless

Seeking His Kingdom

Matthew 6:33Worldwide English (New Testament) (WE)

33 `Work first for God's kingdom and what he calls good. Then you will have all these things also.

I started a new blog because Abba asked me to. I know I have not been faithful to this one, but apparently he's not concerned with that as much as I am. The new blog is about being a caregiver to my mom. Once again he told me to tell the truth, to give Him all of my weakness and He will give me His grace.

To be absolutely honest I don't like telling the truth on myself. I would much rather put on the mask of self-righteousness. Even when I'm finished preaching I always wonder what people think of me for disclosing all my unrighteous truth. However, I tell it anyway because He asked me to. Sometimes I have the begging conversation with Him. They usually go like this, "How will I help anyone by letting them know what a mess I am? That's embarrassing to tell." Heads-up, begging will not help, and you will find no peace until it's done.

So I tell my truth with the breastplate of His righteousness because He grace is sufficient and His forgiveness is always available as long as we forgive others, and turn from our wickedness. It's really not as hard and deep as we make it.

So now, He told me to write on both blogs, write the novel and take care of my mom's household and a couple of other things without murmuring and complaining. Which by the way, I constantly have to repent for. I didn't realize I had become such a complainer. I have always disliked complainers. I have had many friends whose phone call I had stopped taking because they were always whining.

Yesterday He told me to seek His Kingdom first, and all the things I have in my heart will be added until me. I got up this morning and I did just that. I made Him first in my thoughts. I gave Him the rightful place in my life. He gave me the ending of my novel.

I'm learning how to divide my time wisely and I have a pretty good flow going with my mom's needs. I'm loving this learning process and look forward to the rest of my journey.

Fearless 

Flowing With My Prayer

Proverbs 31:29-31New King James Version (NKJV)

29 “Many daughters have done well,
But you excel them all.”
30 Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing,
But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.
31 Give her of the fruit of her hands,
And let her own works praise her in the gates.

I'm in Michigan, a couple of months ago my mom got a cancer diagnosis. I had just come back from a cruise to Jamaica, Cayman Island, and Mexico. I got the call from her at the airport on my way home. Her doctor had told me he suspected she may have cancer but he was waiting on solid proof, another test result. He also let me know if it was true there's nothing that can be done for her. She insisted that I go on the cruise and she lied and told me the test was negative. I begged God not to take my mama, I still need her, I'm just a kid.

The airport is a weird place to get bad news. It hard to break down in a crowd of strangers. So you muster up all the strength in you and fight tears. There's no private place to cry so you silently slip into a bathroom stall and hope no one noticed the loud sniffing sound coming from your stall or the red-eyed woman emerging. I was with my oldest sister who was way calmer than I was. She had on her poker face. I don't own a poker face. My feeling has always been transparently obvious.Two days later I was in Michigan, sleepless and anxious. As soon as my sister Jill saw me she suggested I get some pills for anxiety. That was kind of funny to me, apparently I looked like I felt. I'm mentally unbalanced and unable to focus. The part that Jill didn't understand is that she had that exact same look on her face. I was trying to get her to lie down and rest and she was doing the same for me, except she wanted to use drugs on me. I was too far gone for a nap.

I went back home for a few weeks and now I'm back. At the same time, I'm trying to complete the task of writing a novel. Now I'm back in Michigan and I realize my mama is demanding, surly and not above-using guilt tactic to make sure she get all of my attention. It reminded me so much of how my grandmother treated her when she was sick before she died. I love my mother with everything in me, however, I'm not used to having to cater to someone else, especially to the very person that is being manipulative, complaining, and refusing me time to myself. Every time I think I have her together enough to sit and write or read on how to put this business together, she calls my name. "I didn't fill her ice cup totally, her pillow feels crooked, find something she lost, hand her the remote control, etc, etc. But the truth of the matter is, "whatever you do please don't leave my sight." The other night I went to help my childhood best-friend(who just moved) to unpack. My mama refused to eat or speak to me for hours when I returned.

  A few years ago I was reading Proverbs 31, and like I often do, I asked Abba to make me a Proverb 31 woman. Of course with all the teaching I've ever heard or read on the subject, it consisted of being celibate as a single woman and waiting on this godly man. Cool, no problem I can do this. Needless to say, I struggled. I failed miserably for a short while. However, by his grace, I had finally gotten that part together, or so I thought (that's another story). 
Lately, I have started to feel irritated at my mama. I don't want to feel that way, I want to be the person who selflessly sit by my mama's side with never an unkind thought. I want to be the person in my head when I made the decision to come here. Not the person that I'm becoming. I'm getting resentful in my thoughts, which is just as dishonoring as if I expressed them verbally to her in an unkind manner. Abba reads our thoughts, as well as our hearts. So, once again I have to give him the real me in prayer. Prayers that say please help me to honor my mama, she's getting on my nerves. I want to love her the way He requests but I can't without His grace.

He told me I requested to be a Proverb 31 woman and she look well into her household, brought a vineyard, perceived that her merchandise was good. I really read what I asked for, and I thought to myself. "Once again I didn't realize what I prayed for." Sometimes I feel tricked into asking for something. However, I know that it's His will for me. He told me He was answering my prayers. I read her candle doesn't go out at night, and she rise early to take care of her household. So she keeps long hours. She dresses up in linen and purple. Sells merchandise she made with her hands. The one thing she didn't do is eat the bread of idleness. I have to flow with my prayer and wait for Abba to do the rest. I disabled my Facebook since I only used it as idle time. I got rid of all that distracted me, and I'm looking carefully into how to utilized my time wisely and I thank God for allowing me to take care of my much-loved mama in her time of need.

Fearless

Wilderness Experience

Hosea 2:14World English Bible (WEB)

14 “Therefore behold, I will allure her,
    and bring her into the wilderness,
    and speak tenderly to her.

I'm in desperate need of a wilderness experience with God. I've done things he asked me not to do. Mostly out of frustration and impatience. I thought I was an extremely patient person. I can be, sometimes with people and their foolishness. However lately I have not been.

I have deliberately started stupid fights. I don't know how to be in a real relationship. It's still easier for me to run. I haven't retired my running shoes yet. Now I'm emotionally eating pumpkin bread smothered in butter. I know I should apologize, but isn't that saying, I'm wrong? God told me many years ago to give up my right to be right.

I desperately cling to it though I have no peace. I beg God for forgiveness and at the same time enlist the aid of my sisters and friends to validate my reasoning. I know I wronged someone I love dearly, yet I'm too embarrassed and ashame to admit it to him. God showed me in a dream a week or two before I showed off, that I was going to do it. I was going to say hurtful things. I did it anyway. Before and after the dream.

I know what Paul means now when he said, Oh wretched man that I am. In my case women. When I asked for forgiveness from God He told me to ask him to forgive me. It's been three days and I still haven't. I feel like I just need to be alone with God in the wilderness. The person had said some hurtful things to me in the past and I won't let it go.

Not being able to forgive is an awful sin that steals your peace. Even when I think I forgave I look for stupid reason to pounce like a lioness. I'm ashamed of myself and scared. Lord have mercy on me and give me the grace to forgive with my heart and not my head.

Floating out of control...
Fearless

Finding Myself

Yesterday I wrote a post about my new journal. My journey of self-discovery. It has been raining here for three days straight. The first day, I was scattered and random, unable to write, focus or get anything accomplished. Since getting a life coach I have cut a lot out of my life. Especially the toxic people that I minister to and live around. I let many of them go, I stopped going or taking them to their doctor visits, shopping center runs, and running errands. I had started to feel like everybody's mom. I wore myself out taking care of everyone else. I convinced myself that it was God's will even though He told me several times to "learn to say no to the demands of others, and listen to the Spirit call."

The stillness of my life felt overwhelming the first rainy day. I had no one making demands on me or my time. I was discombobulated by this realization. I didn't understand why. I sit alone pondering what I was feeling. I was stuck and I didn't understand why. The following day I woke and simply told my coach, "It's a new day."

Then the Lord lets me know my mothering of others started when I was eleven years old; when I returned home after living with relatives. I started basing my worth on how well I could care for others. Father said I was made to shine and not carry others on my back. Yesterday he asked me a question. The question was: Who are you?

My answer: I'm creative, I paint word pictures. I love to make things and can do wonders with a staple/glue gun paint and material. I love to make things beautiful. I have an uncanny eye for color and quality. When I write I evoke emotion because I feel deep, I'm kind but fiery. I love to learn and share my knowledge. I love words and stories, and I've been telling stories since I was a child. I love to challenge myself and I'm determined. I'm not a quitter and I won't stop until I learned whatever it is I set my mind to do. I'm strong, reliable, resilient, loyal, forgiving, I love unconditionally, and often allow others to cross boundaries. I have integrity and I'm honest. I love to work with my hands.I can be a loner and enjoy time to myself. I can also be the life of the party. I laugh easily and don't take myself too seriously.

There's probably more to me, however. that's what I know for sure right now.

Fearless

The Journey

Lately, I have been thinking about my journey. I even started a new journal called "journey of self-discovery." Yes, that's right I'm looking for me.Not the person that sees all her many failures and defeats. I want to know the person that has vision and dreams. The one that trust Jesus so completely she was willing to move across the country to please Him. I know I'm her, but I realize I haven't given her a voice. Not her real voice. I have hidden behind busyness and helping other people. I didn't believe she could shine, at least not with my whole heart.

Today listening to the rain, Father God let me know that when I was eleven years old and living in Kentucky with my great Aunt and Uncle and my cousin; I begged my mother if I could come home, but what I was really doing is begging her to want me. She had just had my baby brother. I asked if I could come home and help her take care of the new baby. She agreed to let me come home.

I remember how she always made me take care of my baby brother. She handed me him when he cried when his diaper needed changing when he needed a bath. She reminded me that I came home to take care of him. Even though I resented having to do as much as I was made, it made me feel needed and I needed to be wanted. That's where I picked up this character defect. I have been a caregiver every since. It's no wonder I went into nursing as a career. Don't get me wrong nursing is and will always be a rewarding choice of careers. However, Father God let me know I have based my worth on how well I can take care of others and in the process I lost myself.

Now here I sit a blank canvas waiting to be colored. Father said I was made to shine and not to carry others on my back. Once again I'm stripped of a character defect and false sense of identity. I am fearfully and wonderfully made but who am I really?

Psalm 139:14-16World English Bible (WEB)

14 I will give thanks to you,
    for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Your works are wonderful.
    My soul knows that very well.
15 My frame wasn’t hidden from you,
    when I was made in secret,
    woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my body.
    In your book they were all written,
    the days that were ordained for me,
    when as yet there were none of them.

Incredibly Flawed

Ephesians 3:8World English Bible (WEB)

8 To me, the very least of all saints, was this grace given, to preach to the Gentiles the unsearchable riches of Christ,

I know I haven't blogged in a long time. That doesn't mean I haven't been writing.My life had got so difficult. I had allowed the wrong people into my inner circle. I ignored what the Spirit was telling me. I had gotten complacent and carnal. I had nothing to share. I felt hard and callous. I became a product of my environment. I had let my guard down and took off my armour. I played a dangerous game. I got really sick, I could hardly walk, my blood work was off. The doctors thought I might have Leukemia, Multiple Sclerosis, Lupus, or Rheumatoid Arthritis. They found a huge tumor in my left ovary, I had to have surgery. My body was under attack, my faith was being tested. I took the pain pills they gave me until my body couldn't do without them. I was captured and shackled by the evil one. The flock Abba gave me were being scattered. The bible says strike the shepherd and the sheep will scatter. 

Abba told me this would be the year of Faith, Hope, and Love for me. I was persuaded by a charming and handsome man. I thought he was the one. We got engaged within a month. He was persistent, although I could see his words and his action didn't match. Something was wrong and I knew it. There was witchcraft involved I couldn't get my mind together. I tried to get through the fog. My strength faltered. I cried out for strength. I was told, "My Grace is sufficient, My Strength is made perfect in weakness. A prophet must be subject to another prophet." Then it hit me, no wonder I have vision and dreams. The prophet at the church kept making me sit in the pulpit and he called me a prophet. I went searching for another prophet. I thought I had to find this prophet. I was left lost and weaker. 

I broke off the engagement when I found out he had many women he was dating. I had helped him by writing some things for him for this council he had gotten involved in. They were having a red carpet banquet that I had wrote the proposal for. I wanted to attend. The only problem was I didn't want to show up alone. I had only two weeks to find a date. I have had this tower build around me for so long. Even the one I had gotten engaged to didn't break all the way through. I went to my mama for three weeks to get my thoughts together. I knew it was over when I got back. I told him my trip will either make us or break us. It broke us, he broke covenant with me. He went to other women to be satisfied because would allow me to do what he wanted. I can't say I was heartbroken, but I did feel some type of way. 

With the banquet approaching; I found a beautiful gown to wear. I pondered if I should purchase the gown without a date. I just thought I would look like such a loser by myself. I was on Facebook one day when I saw that some of my friends had liked Steve Harvey's dating site Delightful.com. Then with all the pettiness a carnal mind can give you, I made me a free profile. I wrote about myself, I did tell the truth about me, what I wasn't so honest about is the fact that I wasn't really looking for a relationship. When asked what I was looking for, I said Marriage, serious relationship, travel partner, casual relationship, friendship or even a penpal. I felt bad about the marriage and serious relationship part. I hoped no one would come to me wanting what I wasn't really willing to give. I got hundreds of hits in just a couple of days. However, I couldn't see who or what unless I pay for a subscription. I wrestled with the idea for a couple of days. I was offered a discount. Twenty dollars for one month. Since I was a desperate woman with an agenda, I paid.

I met many men quickly. They were coming fast. They wanted to get to know me. They all lived far away, I wanted someone local. Many gave me their phone numbers. One in men kept writing to me, I didn't even bother to read what he had written, I made the excuse of washing my hair to not call him. He kept writing me. I was irritated with him for being so persistent. I finally wrote back to him that I was going to call but realized the time and thought it was too late to call anyone, which was the truth. I called him shortly after that, mostly because he was kind. I wasted no time telling him why I was on the site. He volunteered to be my date as long as I didn't get him killed. Even though he went along with my pettiness, it was something about him that I found intense. He had read my profile. He knew things about me, he checked me on a few things. He seemed to see through my facade, he asked questions and made statements that left me feeling vulnerable and irritated. However, he was willing to come hundreds of miles to meet me and go to the banquet. I was spiritually weak and petty. I asked him how tall he was. I asked questions as if I was purchasing some slave; as if I was going to check his teeth. My date had to be what I thought was perfect. He was headed to his class reunion and willing to make a pit stop to visit me. I decided against the banquet and opt to go on a vacation to Florida.

He still was insisting on visiting me, I said yes. Mainly because he was so kind and not really judging my pettiness. He came after I put him off all day. I was so busy taking care of so many around me. I went to many doctor appointments with others. I was finally pain-free and free of the pills that had held me captive for so many months. I went back to hiding behind being busy taking care of people. I ran from real commitment. Real commitment means allowing accountability, vulnerability, transparency, we have to be willing to let our flaws show. I'm incredibly flawed. The day he was scheduled to arrive, I had so much to do. I'm president of the residential council and the following day I had a bake sale planned. My week was so full I had no time for myself. I was being harrassed by a couple of the women dealing with my now ex-fiance. I feel overwhelmed and haggard. I'm not trying to impress him at all. My apartment needs cleaning, my hair is growing and hanging down my back unkept.

He calls and says he's ten minutes away. I'm on the other end talking to my best friend since high school. I tell her about him, she's confused as to why I haven't mentioned him before since we had been speaking every day since I ran into her while in Michigan a few months ago (When I visited my Mama). I told her I wasn't really interested in him. She has always had an insight into things, she's gifted from God. She said, "honey, you're going to like him. He's going to surprise you." I doubted her but before we could finish our conversation he called and say he was here. I went to meet him. He was in his trunk. When he came around the car and I laid eyes on him, my heart skipped a beat. His smile was beautiful, his countenance was warm and inviting. He has his arm stretched to greet me with a hug. I melt into his embrace, he's not a stranger or at least he doesn't feel like one. He pull away a little and hold me where he can look me directly in the eyes. 

I feel ashamed that I didn't comb my hair or fix myself or my apartment up. I know he sees me and I don't want God to expose all of my flaws. He does. We have a great time together, we have a quiet candlelight dinner. He asked questions that get to the heart of the matter. He's disarming me and I don't know how he's able to do what no one else can. He's stronger than me and I don't like it and I do. He sees my flaws, it's okay to know I'm  weak and pathetic as long as no one else know. He's a prophet and I didn't have to find him.
Since we met he has challenged me, supported me, encouraged me, made me feel incredibly capable. My ministry has gotten more fiery. If I never see him again he has already added tremendously to my life. I'm eternally grateful for Abba's grace and mercy, and for sending a prophet to speak the words that set me free. I'm working on several projects and I don't have time for a social life right now., but my heart is finally open and free. My greatest lesson in all of that I've been through is that it's alright to be incredibly flawed, sometimes Abba uses our character deflects to humble us and put us back on the right path.

Fearless

All My New Titles

Since I haven't taken my ministry to the church the church came to me. I've been quite content with our small circle in the ministry. Twelve to twenty people pulling on me spiritually has been enough for me. However it apparently not enough for my Abba. One woman came and decided to have her pastor come to hear me teach. I was nervous and very apprehensive. The last thing I wanted was to have another person of God challenging me. The day the pastor said he would come I was praying and preparing when I heard the Lord say, "I'm opening doors for you". I knew he was letting me know why the pastor was coming. I must say that little information did nothing for my fear-unless you count enhancement. So with sweating hands and trembling voice I started teaching that night. After losing my train of thought and stumbling over my words a couple of times I decided not to let some big shot looking preacher intimidate me.

I gave complete control to the Holy Spirit. Just because I'm not some big hat wearing. smug acting hypocrite didn't make me unworthy. I teach because I was called by God to teach. I shouldn't let any man wrapped in flesh stop me. I let go. and Abba blessed it. My people were coming to me and saying, "You were on fire tonight, Carly." The pastor said , "You had me wanting to get up and rejoice. He gave me many compliments and asked if I would come to their Day of Atonement celebration the next day. I said I would think about it, I had however told the woman that had him come that I would. I had to keep my word.

There's a slight problem when you have basically belong to causal church for over ten years and you decided to go to a southern black church. I had absolutely nothing to wear, Not only is it a southern black church, it's a sanctified, wear little doilies on your head kind. There are two things you can't put on me even if I were dead: that's big church lady hat that match your suit and doilies. They're just not for me, If Jesus asked me to wear one of them I would, but I would have a long whining discussion before I reluctantly compiled. After rummaging throw a endless variety of comfortable causal clothes I found a long black skirt: a throw back to my preaching days in Detroit. I put on a black blouse and a multicolored suit jacket and flat black shoes ( I hate high heels now). I was late and the women kept texting me and asking if I was coming and how far away was I. I didn't think much of it, I wondered why she would be in church texting, but I have done worse during a boring service.

To say I wasn't prepared for what came next is an understatement. I walked into the service or what I thought would be the service and several people clapped. The door I came into wasn't the sanctuary but a big round table. Full of dignified looking men and women in high power church clothes. Even though it was a big table it was crowed, the woman that invited me hadn't been up front with the time church would officially start. I was sit up to meet the head Bishops., I looked at the expensive suits and the men all had on big Bishop rings. The women were classy and smartly dressed, I suddenly realized how inappropriate I am, with my outdated skirt and cheap flat shoes. I looked around for a chair that was as far away as I could get since I knew the ground probably would open up and swallow me. Alas, the pastor would have none of that, he said , "No, you sit next to the Bishops", and gave me his chair between two of the oldest Bishops.

The pastor told me had had told them about me, his words were, "I've been bragging on you." He asked me if I would consider being on their ministry team. The Bishop to my right said for me to take my time before giving a answer. No one else said much to me at least for the next fifteen or twenty minutes. The Bishop to my right started teaching on The day of Atonement. he asked me if I knew about the festival I said yes and the pastor said she knows all about it, I was introduced as Evangelist/Teacher/Pastor/Missionary. Each time a question was addressed to me I got a different title. They looked to me for confirmation to the title or may be they were hoping I would give them my official title so they could stop guessing. I looked for the same confirmation-you tell me because actually the only title I have is blood washed daughter of the Most High God. and I'm good with that. I should have done like Jesus when he asked Peter, who do you say I am?

Finally the Bishop to the right asked me, "what do you think, teacher?" I opened my mouth and the fire came out again. When I tell people that when I'm under the anointing I don't know what's about to come out of my mouth; I honestly don't think they believe me, but it's true. I don't remember what I said, but they were all amazed. That's how I winded up in the pulpit that day. Yes, I had to speak and again the audience was amazed, little did they know so was I. Sometimes I tell Jesus he plays to much, and he should warn me of what he's about to do so that I can try to talk him out of it. I think He gets a kick out of me. I think he's madly in love with me, I know I am with Him.

Fearless